Never Put Pinecones in Your Microwave and other Helpful Hostess Tips.....

I've morphed from desperate housewife.....into potential dazzling hostess the last couple days.

We're having "The Holiday Party" for my hub's office at our house this year. I scheduled the party early in the season.....so people wouldn't be worn out (and whining) from too much eating and drinking.... and folks might actually enjoy themselves.

I started seriously prepping yesterday....cleaning cleaning.....getting the the industrial strength shop vac out....sucking on the baseboards and pookies settled in corners and behind the furniture.

The men folks were confused by this activity.

"I thought the cleaning ladies were coming before the party."

"They are."

"Why are you cleaning then?"

"To get ready for the cleaning ladies."

Guys just don't get it. You have to prep to be cleaned. You can't have cleaning ladies come to a dirty house or they will spend all their time cleaning...but it’s the wrong type of cleaning....it's cleaning for daily life rather than cleaning for a party....which is a totally separate type of cleaning.

So after scouring the house with my gigantic vacuum looking for offending dust bunnies, spiders, and dog hair......it was time for the fun part......decorating!

Well, I thought it was going to be fun........but....Murphy ’s Law or Santa’s Revenge was at work......because nothing went right.

So I thought I'd share some important hints and tips I’ve learned from my recent mishaps...so if you’re getting ready for your parties.....you might be spared some big time pre-party trouble.

1) Never put old pine cones in a microwave. I like natural decorations....pine cones in a wooden bowl.....cat-tails(as in flora not fauna) in vases.....but if your pine cones are dusty and you wash them......do not dry them in a microwave... ( it seemed like such a logical idea at the time) because you won't have anything to put back in your bowl..... old wet pine cones ...explode....like popcorn kernels. The only positive... a nice piney smell while you're cleaning up the hot sap.

2) Always allow plenty of time for glitches with new creative ideas. So here's the problem....everyone will end up in my kitchen at the party.....right? The standard party clump.

To encourage mingling, I'm spreading out the beverages....wine in the family room, beer off the kitchen and a champagne station in the living room. This also allows folks who are a tad nosey to look around my house...without embarrassment. Trouble with the champagne station......no tablecloth large enough to elegantly drape over the card table....and serve as the bottom for the topper (I believe that line comes from an erotic novel.)

Brilliant idea: use the 2 gazillion thread count cotton flat sheet from the new bed linens. Bad idea: Wash the 2 gazillion thread sheet and put it in the dryer. Know what happens to a pure cotton sheet post dryer?

Wrinkles.....thousands and thousands and thousands of wrinkles.

So....I’m ironing and ironing....20 minutes.....40 minutes.....the sheet is never ending.....and it's still crumpled.

So I channel my feisty Lithuanian grandma (okay not really but I did think about her)....and remembered what she used to do.... drape a towel over her shoulder and have a bowl of water near the ironing board....she’d press the wet towel on the sheet....iron....then viola....linen as smooth as a baby's butt.

Happy to report it works...sad to report it took me an hour and half to make my sheets look like a baby's butt.

The Champagne station....please appreciate the perfect white old linen cloth and the marvelous bed sheet underneath.

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3) Never put silk flowers near your candles. A couple weeks ago I had a writer’s meeting at my house. Folks were chatting. I heard a tinkling sound.

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Damn that cat.... I thought...she probably came downstairs and knocked over something.

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I almost ignored the sound....but decided to see what fell over. Walked into the foyer...and saw flames shooting at least 6 inches above a large glass bowl I had on the stairs.......melted wax was running down the stairs....and a black cloud of smoke was rising.

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I thought of yelling for help....but then remembered the boys’ bathroom was at the top of the stairs. What’s always in my boys’ bathroom???....wet towels and dirty clothes....so I scooped up some of their clothes...dumped it on the fire....smothered the flames and tossed the smoking dripping hunk out my front door into the garden.

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After discreetly plugging in a fan....and covering the hot wax on my stairs with a towel.....I returned to my guests...thinking holy shit.....my decorative accessories nearly started the house on fire.

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Today...I removed all silk flowers from all containers with candles....so we inadvertently don’t turn our house into a Yule log.

And finally......

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4) Always read the tags on your linens. I pulled my good dining room tablecloth out of the dryer this evening...and it shrunk to a size more appropriate for a Little Tikes Toddler Table. I checked the tag...Dry Clean Only....geez who the hell dry cleans their tablecloths?

Well....I have one more new gazillion thread flat sheet....perhaps I'll iron it and see how it looks.

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Everything will be okay ...right?

~~~

Apparently I'm Just You're Basic Free-Spirited SEXY Liberal...Who Can't Sleep....

I try more and more to think in a positive manner....to even accept setbacks and bumps and bruises with the idea that they will bring something else my way.....but damn if someone forgot to tell my subconscious the good news.....for at times...I wake up in the night and find myself problem-solving or reliving some situation or event.

Last night was a doooosey.....I woke up twice.....in full blown mental busyness. I told myself....hey didn't you get the good news on this .....you know one door closes another door opens thing? or hello.....wasn't this resolved like a week ago?

A friend of mine who is a retired psychologist...... told me that he never stays in bed when something like this happens. He gets up and goes someplace else...because he wants his bed to remain a place of peace and restfulness....(I know.... these psychology folks are interesting aren't they?).....so instead of lying there ....I got up and surfed the net...

I was reading a blog when I came across a little dohickey that said take this blog test...and found myself at a site which had about ... 50 "quizzes" ....want to find out how your name would be translated into a Native American language? click here....(by the way my name turned out to be something like bright red flute...lol) want to know if you're a good kisser? if you have a tendency to be a kleptomaniac? well click away and discover....

So I thought I would post a few of my late night results:




Hey this is funny at 3AM....I'm just one hot woman surfing the net...the best in sex....a great flirt...strong...generous....and let me say that again.....the best in sex....suddenly all I could think of was that dumb song....and so I You-Tubed it....to torture myself....and thought I would add it for your enjoyment....now think of me....when you're listening to this......





I took a liberal/conservative test and came out.....an equality/fairness buff ....which I found comforting.

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Social Justice Crusader, also known as a rights activist. You believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.

Take the quiz at http://www.fightconservatives.com/Inside-the-Book/What-Breed-of-Liberal-Are-You.html

And if you enjoy reading this blog....or you've read some of my other blogs....well ...nothing like aiming for the well- educated.....cause a test run of my blog.......showed it to be ....well little more than school yard drivel....



and finally.....why not take a girly test....with questions like....how often do you get a pedicure ....and how many pink things are in your room....and if you absolutely must have girlfriends accompany you shopping>>>

You're 46% Girly.....
You're a very free spirit.
Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.

So I hauled my elementary free-spirited sexy ass to my restful peaceful bed.....and told my subconscious to cool it.....which it did....

because the alarm clock was about to go off....
~~~~~~

Never Ever Sit in This Chair..........

"I have a complaint...... are you the manager?"

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It's 9:06 A.M. and the bookstore I work at on Sundays...has been open a total of 6 minutes. What could possibly go wrong in 6 minutes.
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"No, I'm not the manager....would you like me to call him?"
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The guy...gray-haired and in his early sixties...in khaki pants and crisp ironed plaid shirt smiles a little. Maybe this a joke... maybe I look so cute in my new tight Vera Wang sweater with a nice whallop of cleavage showing this morning.... he wants to throw me off balance... telling me the problem is I'm so gorgeous he can't concentrate on his reading materials.
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"We have a complaint." A gray-haired woman joins him. Okay forget the compliments.......this woman is serious with a capital S. She has a naturally upturned nose and unfortunately has titled her head up so I can stare deeply .....into her nasal canals.
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"I want you to inform the manager there aren't enough upholstered chairs in the store," she says.
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This is a new one for me. I'm not quite sure what to say..... maybe they haven't found our stash of chairs. "We have 4 chairs in the back of the store."
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"Yes....but someone is already sitting in one of them and we want to sit together," she whined. I put on my concerned retail sales face so I won't roll my eyes and grimace at her. She's cradling three notebooks and a bunch of pens in her hand so she's probably planning to use the store as a library ......copy information without buying a thing.
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"There's two chairs by the children's department."
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"We don't like to sit there."
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"There's a row of wooden chairs by the news stand."
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The woman's lips curl upward and the combo of upturned nose and lips creates a frightening snarl.
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"We don't like the wooden chairs, why don't you have more upholstered chairs?" The man chimes in.....since his wife is too busy making faces at me.
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"They're harder to keep clean and get worn out." I'm not sure this is the reason the upholstered seating has declined in our store but it sounds logical and could be true. They squint at me......I have upset them with a grain of truth.
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"That's no excuse...." the guy snaps.
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"Listen....let me tell you about......" but I don't complete my sentence. I smile and count to 5 or maybe 6. "I'll forward your concerns to the store manager."
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"I suggest you do that, " he says with a formality smacking of a BBC character.
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They head off to the unacceptable chairs by the children's department. I check out the chairs by the computer and see one of our regulars has occupied it. An older man....in dirty slacks, greasy glasses, unkempt hair and dirty yellow fingernails. He comes into the store....finds a hardback....takes the dust cover off and drops it to the floor....then reads for hours...occasionally picking his nose or rubbing his hands on his face and then resting it on the arm of the upholstered chair.
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I didn't tell them....but I'm going to tell you.
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Never sit in an upholstered chair in a bookstore...unless you're in a air tight space suit certified by NASA.
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Do you have any idea who sits and wallows in these chairs for hours?
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Here's a list of people:
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Drooling babies.
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Barfing babies.
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Toddlers with sticky hands who spill the contents of their sippy cups all over the chair.
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Old guys who haven't bathed.....and may be greasy and smelly or both.
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Homeless men and women who occasionally sit with us for a spell.
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Young guys in crumpled dirty clothes that haven't seen a laundry in weeks.
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Workmen,who are taking a quick break, with debris (paint, oil, smudges) on their clothes and stains on their hands.
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People (men and women) who curl up in a chair and put their dirty shoes all over the chairs (people tend to sit in all kinds of odd positions after a few hours).
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People who take off their shoes and put their bare feet (which exhibit a wide spectrum of cleanliness) all over the seat and arms.
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People who spill coffee and frappicinos into the chairs as well as drop cake, cookies, pretzels and our new egg sandwiches onto the fabric.
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People who use the fabric as napkins because they don't want to wander back to cafe and get one.
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People who sneeze and cough without covering their mouths and nose.
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Groups of people...all trying to fit into one chair....to kiss, snuggle, drop food, and paw the fabric during intensely intimate conversations.
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I don't even want to think of the kids who may have lice.... or staph infections....or conjunctivities.....yes....let's not go there.
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My advice....steer away from fabric and head for those nice wooden chairs scattered through out most stores.......they may not be as comfortable.....but there's a lot less human residue on them.
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Men and the "F" word.............

Perhaps it was the paint fumes....or too much orange-scented furniture cleaner.....but the other day I bent over and whispered the "F" word into my husband's ear.

His eyes widened. He looked startled.

"Did you say what I think you said?"

"Yes..."

"Really?"

"Uh huh..."

Why bother with a Xmas tree when you can make a man's eyes light up with a single word.

I was so thrilled with his reaction.....I wasn't very careful.....and said the "F" word again to him....not realizing my youngest son was in the room.

My son's eyes grew wide when it sunk in what I had said.

"I never thought I'd hear you say that word."

Caught. Embarrassed. What could I say?

In minutes my oldest son appears in the kitchen. "Tom told me what you said."

My sons are now staring at me....I'm squirming.....my hub is delighted.

"Say it again." My boys plead in unison.

"No, I will not."

"Thrill us and say it again," my hub says.

Trapped. Temper rising. I give up.

"Okay okay........Flatscreen."

"I think we should get a Flatscreen for the family room."

Men....Geez.
~~~~~

A Time of Change......

I've poured a glass of champagne....shut the study room door....and put African Kora music on...which is sweet and soothing.

10:00 Pm...the day before Thanksgiving.

For the last 10-12 years.....I would be..... at this time....curled up in a chair in my parent's family room in Chicago....reading The Trib or the Sun Times newspapers......while my hub looked over dinner ingredients for the next day.....and my children and parents watched TV together.....my mother sneaking the kids chocolates and treats and dollar bills......which I pretended not to see.

We planned to go to Chicago this year as usual....but our children are on the threshold between life with us and life on their own.....and earlier this month we realized we could not gather everyone for the trip.

There is something startling and sad and wonderful in such a life change.

My children....my children.....are all beginning to step into their own young adult lives.

My daughter will start working with autistic children and begin scouting for grad schools in psychology. She will cook her first solo Thanksgiving dinner with her boyfriend. (God help him....and keep his love strong for she inherited my lack of cooking skills.)

My son, who struggles with speech and language and a handful of other disabilities....drove 2 miles from our house on his own ...and interviewed for a new job ....which accepted him. On the way home....he stopped and bought a Subway sandwich, chips, soda and a cookie......and took 20.00 of his own money out of an ATM...... so to the school officials....who told us he was retarded and severely limited in his ability to function in society....I salute you.... your god damn ignorance and arrogance made us fight even harder.

And finally....Our baby, the red headed 6'2"..... wheeler/dealer and con man.......received an excellent ACT score (at least... I hope it's his score ...) and asked if I could help him with his college applications this weekend.........after.... of course..... he's finishes getting to a new level on Guitar Hero.

You prepare and work on their education, their socialization, their readiness to assume their own lives......and one day..... they are there......

but I didn't think it would be this year......

~~~~~

Life with a cat

For those of you who have a cat...........

This Blog Entry is for Chicks Only.......

Okay....this is a special blog....for ladies only......so if you're sporting a XY in your chromosomes....best shoo.....this ain't gonna interest you.
~~~

I have a stunning antique armoire, a gorgeous wardrobe with large oval mirrors and carved wood ornamental designs.....I only store two things in here....my best lingerie and a few formal dresses. I store the dresses in garment bags to keep the dust off. While tidying up the interior, I realized I hadn't opened one garment bag in ages....what was in there?

I unzipped it, gasped, and stood back in horror.

OMG>> could I have actually bought these dresses?

The sad truth is ladies....I did....in California.....10 or more years ago. The only good thing I can say is....I have never ever worn them since I moved out of the sunshine state....do you think UV rays plus wine can damage some part of your brain so these might be considered stylish purchases?

I'm speechless.
It even has ....ruffles.

Like my grandmother's curtains.

I think "Monet" when I look at it.......except I'm sure he would have poked his paintbrush through his eye rather than be memorialized in this way.

It gets worse.

I must have been a flapper in a previous life. Why else would I buy a dress that looks like something from a movie in the '20's only in color?

I am typing this sentence in horror ....but I believe I wore this to a formal dinner party in California. I know ....it makes me shiver too.

Trouble is I have a vague memory of men complimenting me in my flapper dress.....it has deep cleavage.....I don't think they noticed anything beyond "the line."


I bitch about the South.....but sisters......the beautiful southern women here know how to dress.....this is what I buy now....black and clingy ..... but still with deep cleavage (an asset is an asset.)

There is a happy ending to this wardrobe nightmare.

I don't buy things like this anymore....and perhaps somewhere in this town....there is an ex-Californian who is sad-hearted because all she can find to wear is the ubiquitous little black dress.....can you imagine her "hallelujah" moment when she sees these and at thirft store prices?
~~~~~

What's Under my Bed.............

I felt like an archeologist discovering an ancient historical site when I lifted the bed ruffle and peered under my bed.

Yikes....how long has it been since I cleaned under or moved the bed? Obviously a long long time....which for a minute made me feel bad ....since it was a sign I am not a domestic diva....but I reminded myself this is exactly why I was playing Desperate Housewife till the first of the year.

I gathered my courage, swallowed my pride and called up the men folks.

"Let's move the bed." They looked frightened........"Come on ... be brave.....1....2....3....."

Wow....what emerged was like a snapshot of the ten years we have been living in the house.

Here's a few a things I found:

Sweet art work from my children.

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Ohhh these are precious...chalk drawings from all three children. What a wonderful find...and I won't even think about the fact that my daughter who drew the butterfly just graduated from college which means this art has been under my bed for how long? Oh my.

His and Her Books

Honest....this is the number of books found under and within three feet of the bed. The taller pile are my books.....the shorter pile are his books. Our books rarely mingle....he reads natural history, science and historical books......I'm so ecclectic it's frightening. Here's a few of my books....Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice, The Stories of John Cheever, Amphibians and Reptiles of my home state, a book I bought in Singapore about Lady Raffles, 6 erotica books, two chick lits, a couple of novels....and one book on the Art of Japonese Erotic Bondage.

(OH my gosh Krista.....do you remember how we were going to co-author a short story about a woman who tells her husband to buy a little rope for a little bondage play in the bedroom and he misunderstands what she wants and buys a 100 yards of rope from Home Depot and she tries to figure out what to do with all that rope without hurting his feelings....after you finish your dissertation we gotta do it.... LOLLLOOL>>>)
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Panties...lots and lots of panties

Apparently....I'm a pantie flipper....from sexy thongs to grannys....I'm obviously prone to tossing my underwear. I never realized how often I flip.....this has been quite a revelation....I wonder if I should wear a belt to bed....to keep my underwear secured. (Note I only found one bra)

Fireworks

Holy shit we could have blown up the house........I found a whole box of stuff (and more than just sparklers).....obviously they were hidden under the bed so the kids wouldn't find them....but I'm thinking wow...I've been sleeping above enough explosives to wipe out the need for me to ever be a Desperate Housewife.... cause there would be no house to worry about.

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50 year old flamingoes.

My dad gave me these cement flamingoes just before we moved here. He bought them in Florida about 50 years ago. I believe one of them has the original paint....and the other one my dad "touched " up......They were outside on my deck but I was so worried they would deteriorate.... I must have stashed them under the bed. I'd like to reinsert their metal iron rod legs...and see if there is a way I can stand up in the house. (Picture hub rolling his eyes and signing at this announcement)

Other things found but not photographed>>>>

one petrified hairball from the cat.

socks

Halloween candy I hid to save for the trick or treaters .....like 4 years ago.

18 pens and pencils

7 notebooks

a toy (not for children)

one of my wedding pictures

8 unused picture frames

a poster of a squirrel

a really really really bad oil painting bought at one of those famous artist shows at a local hotel

a poster of Yosemite National Park

13 barrettes

and one of the best things was a handwritten note from my son on notebook paper..... this is exactly how it reads:

I (Tom) am home sick today I was thowing up This morning. I just thought I let you know

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What Every Girl (from certain old neighborhoods in Chicago) has in her Bedroom......

Me, Temporary Desperate Housewife, started cleaning the Master Bedroom last night.

Here's the conversation I had with hub after we moved the blanket chest at the foot of the bed.

"There's a baseball bat under the chest."

"Gee, I forgot all about it."

"Boys put it there?"

"No, I did."

"You did?"

"Yes."

"Are you planning to beat someone up?"
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"No, but you never know."

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"We have a burglar alarm and two dogs."

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"I know but.........."

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"If someone breaks into the house, you're going to get out of bed, find the bat and go swinging after them?"

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"I remember my parents had a baseball bat under their bed when I was a kid... and my dad still has a mini bat under his car seat."

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"Yeah, You're like Eastern European Sopranos."

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"Well.... what if there is a fire?"

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"You're going to hit the fireman?"

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"No we could break a window and get out."

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"We could also slide open the patio door and walk onto the deck."

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Desperate Housewife picks bat up.

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Husband leaves.

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Bat is dusted and polished.

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Everyone knows.....a smart woman always has a bat near her side of the bed....just in case.

~~~

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Sit, Click, donate Rice..............

So you're one of those....Mr. Smarty Pants...Ms. Great Reader.....and you pride yourself on understanding words or having a great vocab.....

and you like a challenge.....

so take a vocabulary test.....yes....I know it reminds you of taking the ACT or SAT....but hey ...those were the good ol' days right???

the cool thing with this vocabulary test is that every time you get a word right.......


you get.....10 grains of rice.....that's not much....but the more you test and play....the more rice you accumulate.......and the best part is THEY'RE NOT GOING TO SEND IT TO YOU....

some corporate sponsors will donate the money necessary to buy the rice and it will be sent to areas of need in the world......

it's legit.....nothing bad will attack your computer if you go there.......and for once you can sit in your computer chair and with the mere click of a mouse.....do some good.....

try it......and learn a few words along the way......and it's fun....if you like geeky challenges......

Press here to go to the web page.

Happy Rice-ing.
~~~~~

When Your Art Trumps You........

So hub and I were walking down a street in Boston a couple months ago when he said, "Hey there's that elephant."

"What elephant?"

"The Ganeesh elephant."

"Where?" And sure enough in a store window was Ganeesh, a Hindu God.... a particular favorite of mine.....boy wonder....remover of obstacles.

The store had lots of Oriental furniture and a wall full of paintings/lithos/art.

Without warning, an entire row of pictures starting "yooo hoooo ing" at me.

"Stop now, I can't take you all home." It's okay when one piece of art calls out my name....but a crowd is disconcerting. "Take me home....take me home."

I asked the clerk what she knew about the paintings or if she had some idea what was written on each one.

"No, we haven't a clue. They just came in this way."

"Interesting."

I picked the plump bottom girl with no panties. We had lots in common. I forget my panties too (sometimes).....I have a cat..... I had a bird....(unfortunately my Springer Spaniel ate it) and I liked Chinese calligraphy.

Tonight while getting the house ready for company. I sat down on the stairs. Plump bottom girl was leaning against the wall on the landing. All I needed was a hammer and a nail and she'd be home.

So we were sitting there looking at each other....when I began to "see" things I hadn't noticed before.......


Like her nipple was hanging out of her shirt. Like her cheeks were abnormally flushed. A fan was on the floor.....had she been lying down on the mat?... a resting cat.....a startled bird.


"Well my dear.....self-love or lover?"

I bet self-love.

A cat never looks content if a man's involved.....

And the writing? I can only imagine......

~~~

Too Many Choices..........

I started belly dancing on Monday. I thought....hmmm...maybe a little mid week practice would be good for me. So I stood in the middle of my bedroom... lifted my arms ....and nothing happened.....the routine had faded...was I supposed to kick after two hip thrusts or three?...and what about my arms?

So I hit Barnes and Noble online to buy a basic belly dancing DVD. I couldn't believe there were 18 choices. Here's a few of them:

Belly Dancing for Enlightenment

I didn't know you could belly dance your way to nirvana. In fact, I didn't know belly dancing could be enlightening ...(okay...maybe belly dancing can "enlighten" a man....but I never classified it as self-enlightening.) Truthfully, I thought of my dancing as a Wiggle Tune Up...rather than a soul expanding opportunity. I passed on this one...there's no way I can OHMMM and dance at the same time right now.

Belly Dancing with Jacqueline Chapman

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Who's Jacqueline Chapman and why do I want to dance with her? Besides... she's sporting a Loretta Lynn hairstyle....maybe she sings country-western while shimmying? Twanging and dancing definetely out of my range.

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Dancing with Veils

I couldn't even dance with a sheet.

Cardio Belly Dancing

Nope. Won't buy anything with Cardio in the title. A couple years ago, I went to an introductory cardio kick boxing class. Afterwards, a peppy woman, whose job it was to chat me up , started talking to me. She showed me her ass which she said had been sagging, she showed me her thighs which she said had been flabby...she talked about her arms which weren't perky...her tummy which had not been flat enough.....at 4o she had been a wreck....she even showed me a before picture of herself..... I checked it out.....she was drop dead gorgeous....just like she was now. If she had been sagging and bagging....we were talking millimeters not inches.....I wanted to take her hands....and say....honey get a life....but I didn't....I promised to think about it....I did...I never went back and stay away from Cardio anything.

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Learn the Art of Male Belly Dancing

Too scary to even think about.

Guess I'll wait till the next class and see if my teacher sells DVD's. Until then.....I guess I'll make up my own routine.....sway sway kick kick .....sway sway...kick kick...lift the breasts... lift the arms...and shimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy.

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Sharika's Hips Don't Lie...but Mine are Speaking in Tongues....

Another hour of watching my teacher's butt....and I would have followed her home....honestly....I have never paid so much attention to a woman's derriere.

I stared at it......I admired it....I tried to imitate it.

Damn she was good.

For reasons unknown....I started Belly Dancing Class tonight. The good news: my teacher says my hips are "hopeful" which I believe translates into.....they have natural wiggle potential in them.

The bad news: it's really really hard to coordinate hips, thighs, knees, hands, arms, and gaze into those graceful movements.

I was shocked to find during class that some of my parts didn't move ...whereas other parts seemed to gyrate into odd directions......a image verified by the full length mirror covering the classroom wall.

Looking like a bad imitation of Steve Martin's infamous "King Tut" dance ....I decided to move behind a tall wide woman.....so I couldn't see myself in the unforgiving mirror for the rest of class time. Sometimes you just have to be kind to yourself.

Despite my body lagging about two minutes behind what the instructor was demonstrating...I actually had fun. It's the first dance/exercise class I've attended where people laughed (other bodies were also doing the King Tut ) and when the teacher said, "follow me"....some women yelled back...."Are you kidding?"

So I flailed and "Tut-ed" and laughed for a hour......and then at the very end......for about one minute.......the music and my hips were in sync....and I thought......damn.......how cool is this?

What I think I looked like:



What I was supposed to look like:




She's absolutely amazing.....and the first two minutes
of dancing is worth the watch....this is so incredibly
hard ....I can't even imagine how she does it.

When Your Mail Makes You Laugh...

I don't often think of my mail carrier....as a supplier of mirth....but today she brought a handful of stuff that was just plain funny.

Apparently vertical exclusivity is part of the cemetery business now. Just like condos, the higher off the ground you are the more prestigious your dwelling. Mausoleums always struck me as halfway houses for those afraid of decomposition and bugs. A place where you might buy yourself some time...but inevitability you still end up as potting soil.

I guess it's now a luxury item....like Evian versus tap water.....Wonder if folks lay there for eternity musing about their drawers....(the ones they're in...)....Ed I'm so glad we are above Ethel...she always thought she was a step above us....but this shows her.

I love to hate these. Why do marketing folks think fake personalization is ever a good idea? It immediately pisses me off... I know it's a gimmick designed to make me think someone has actually taken the time to write a letter when it's nothing more than a damn font! I'm offended people think I'm not smart enough to tell the difference.

It's like getting a silk flower bouquet.....it may look real from a distance....you may even think momentarily.... you're getting the real thing....but you know it's a cheap imitation upon inspection....and you want to have nothing to do with the sender.


Apparently many of the universities I'm associated with....want to "light up my life" with their own "unique" lamps. Here my old Alma mater Johns Hopkins...offers me a stunning lamp which looks just like the one Ohio State would like me to buy to remember we just spent $100,000 sending my daughter to school there.

Trouble is in a multiple degreed household...we'd look like a lamp store if we remembered all our universities.....somehow a diploma and cancelled checks for tuition is all I need to officially remember them.
~~~~~

Seeing Antonio Again.....

My wonderful friend Sue...who went with me to Italy....read my blog about Antonio a few days ago and sent me a card.

When I opened it, this picture fell out. She had taken a photo of us (she's the shadow in the corner) and wanted me to see him again.

I had a teary-eyed laugh when I picked the picture off the floor. See those light patches on my knees? Sue, Sally and I had rented an Italian bicycle...a strange contraption that allowed you to seat two or three people side by side....instead of one behind the other.

Sue was smart and got off the bike...but Sally and I thought a ride down a nearby hill would be thrilling. The odd bike quickly tumbled forward tossing us out onto the rocky grass. My pants were shredded at the knees and the Napoleonic hand placement hid my finger which was cut and bleeding.....I still have the scar.

And Antonio......wasn't he cute?.... Look at the sweet curl in the middle of his forehead....lol....and I believe he was in his Sunday best....because he said he was going to a class......he probably resigned from Wimpy's and became the CEO of Fiat or Bank of Italy.

O Antonio, Antonio, wherefore art thou Antonio?.....lol

Thank you Sue.
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