Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
the featured wedding in the New York Times Celebration section.....is a real hanky waver this week...highlighting old lovers reunited after years of seperation.... and ending with so much smooching...the rabbi had to put a stop to the lip smacking to give the final blessing.
Chic lit suprema.....
and the last line is a perfect quote to add to your fresh new year calender.
Are you ready ladies?.......click here.
And if you're an XY chromo holder and don't want to feel left out.....here's the quote :
“You grab life, and you don’t waste time.”
Fits on a guy calender too....lol.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
I have a special radar......it's tuned to clicks. Clicks from a cursor or clicks from a spacer bar. My subconscious tracks these clicks......when the magic number is hit....an alarm goes off in my head....and my motherly instincts force me ..... to seek out my youngest son......who's either riding a goat, machine gunning someone....or ....most recently.....playing a toy plastic guitar.
"Enough! How LONG have you been in here?"
"I just started." This is his standard answer even though I KNOW and He KNOWS.... he's been plucking away for a couple of hours.
"Isn't there something else you can do? Go outside, take the dogs for a walk? Do your chores? better yet.....read something?"
"As soon as I finish this song."
But songs never end on Guitar Hero ....and it usually takes two attempts to pry him away from the TV.
Video games and the number of hours the menfolks play them.....has always been an issue with me. A couple hours here or there is fine.....but in all honesty....some days if the men didn't need to eat or pee.....I think they'd set up house in the study and never come out.
So......it's safe to say....I'm not a video game fan.
But the conversation I had with my daughter the other day..... left me puzzled.
"That game guitar is going to bond to his fingers soon if he doesn't stop playing."
"But Mom.....he's really good. In fact, he's got an incredible ranking."
"Yeah.....you get ranked by the number of points you've earned while playing."
"What's he ranked?"
"Somewhere in the upper 2000's."
"You mean like in the area?"
"No Mom....like in the world."
"How many kids play this game?"
" At least a million."
"And he's one of the top 2000 players in the world?"
"Yeah Mom.....it's like... a big deal."
"He could be playing in tournaments."
"If he was older, he'd scoop up money in bars."
"That's a pleasant thought."
"Mom....he has talent."
"For clicking plastic keys?"
She left me standing in the kitchen.... pondering..... wondering what exactly constituted a talent....if my son won a tournament or money ....would he be considered talented? And is the hand-eye coordination involved in playing a plastic guitar...a talent?
So I went into the study......sat down and watched him play.
His fingers and his hand were moving so fast.....I was stunned. But what really threw me was his ability....to glance up, smile and say, "Hi Mom" while his fingers flew over the keys.
The songs in this game are complicated rock songs....."Devil went Down to Georgia" types......and if you haven't heard about this video game....the object is to hit the keys and strum your guitar in sync with small circles representing notes....racing by on the TV/game screen..
At the end of one of his songs, my son handed me the guitar and said "Try it." He and his sister then shouted directions while I tried to get the little circles on the screen to erupt....and score.
I only scored 21% of the keys on an easy song....which means I was a severe dud. More practice and different songs.....did'nt increase my score.
So I handed back the guitar and watched him.....amazed. The speed....the agility....the ease.
All day I thought about his playing.... if he was ranked the 2543 best tennis player in the world....I would be very pleased....proud.....but 2543 best guitar hero player?
So I asked him tonight....."Should I be proud of your skills on a plastic guitar?"
"Of course you should be."
"Because it's what you're supposed to do."
So I shrugged my shoulders and said....."Okay" ....and had the feeling he was right.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
I must have made the NICE LIST for Xmas....cause Santa gave me an iphone.
The elves (otherwise known as the menfolks) warned me the phone would be in Santa's bag. I had a few anxious thoughts about getting the electronic wonder of the year....I'm not exactly a geek.....but ohhhhhhhhh.....I can tell this is the start of a beautiful relationship.
Can you possibly think of a better gift for a maven than her own portable mini computer??? ( Okay smart toy boys were not on the list of possibilities)
And.... bye bye Porkchop (Blackberry) envy....you business types can have your Blackberrys .....I can phone and dance at the same time! Whooo hooo.
Steep learning curve in the next week.... I'll have to brush up on my tapping skills.......but moms are natural tappers....... I've tapped on my kids heads and shoulders forever... tap tap....pick your clothes up.....tap tap.....did you brush your teeth?
Well now its tap...hello text messaging......tap tap....enlarge text. What's hard about this?
The only problem>>>>>so many functions ....makes me wonder......who are these Apple designers? They certainly lead busy lives...and they want to keep me busy too. Last week....I flipped opened my phone and called someone. Today I "woke" up my phone... checked the weather, the time in Casablanca AND watched an old Queen video on UTube. By the time I did all that.....I forgot who I was going to call!
The big disappoint with the iphone....there's no function for laundry or dog walking....perhaps some day the phone will have little legs....and long arms....and pictures to press of dirty clothes, anxious pets and big dustbunnies.
Well I've got to exit my office......My family told me I have only 5 minutes left before.... they storm in here and kidnap me away from the iphone, manual and computer....and they look serious!!
Now.... all of you who are near and dear to me and in my phone address book....send me a pic for my phone....otherwise I'll be forced to bond you with pics of my own choosing....and you know how devious I can be ...lol........(Yes, I was real surprised I made it off the NAUGHTY LIST too)
Blessings on all of you today...whether or not Xmas is part of your family tradition or not......
snuggle up and love each other up....'tis the season.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
The house is quiet.
The children....the hub.....everyone is out for awhile.
Today was my last day of work before Xmas. The crowds and the demands are finished for me this holiday season.
Many of the customers were surprisingly mellow today.....last week they were angry when books weren't available ...today... many shrugged and admitted it was "their fault"....for waiting till the last minute.
I spent a lot of time substituting today....finding alternatives for books not available. Sometimes customers' eyes lite up and I knew I scored a hit when I suggested a different book ....other times they looked at me as if I was daffy.
A few regular customers were scattered among the holiday shoppers....people who came in for specifics books that weren't gifts. A beautiful dark- skinned Indian woman cornered me and asked me to recommend books for a broken heart. I started to rattle off titles when she said, "it's for my son, I need a book for a young man."
I was stumped. I realized all the titles were for women. I asked my fellow male booksellers if they could recommend some books. They shook their heads. "Men just hurt till it's over... we don't buy books."
I believe they were right.....there wasn't a "Stoic man's guide to Recovery" ...so I pulled a few books which I found helpful in tough times....a classic positive thinking book, a contemporary Buddhist tome, a popular psychology paperback.
The woman squeezed my hand. "Thank you," she said.....I felt like part pharmacist... part shaman....at that moment...and I was touched by the sincerity in her voice and gesture.
Sometimes you forget the power of words....how they can land at just the right time and in just the right place on someone....and cause a shift ....towards hurt or healing or happiness.
I was reminded of this when...I slipped into my convertible a few hours later....and pulled out a Xmas card from one of my friends at the bookstore. He is an exceptionally cool guy.. "I am glad I have you in my life" he said....and he encouraged me to hurry up and get back to writing and get my ass out into the world again.
They were the right words at the right time....and I laughed and goosed Zoom-Zoom (my car) home.
A part of Christmas is over....the credit card jingle, the rush to stuff, the big crowds....but this part....this wonderful time where you're encouraged to connect to family and friends......is still here.....and as I'm sitting in this quiet house...I look forward to the next few days....when I can think and deal in words....and hope they are right ones at the right time.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Yes....there's a hand in the alligator's mouth.
Here's the official blurb.
Now those bizarre frogs and scary snakes pics seem comforting in comparison.
Friday, December 21, 2007
The shortest day in terms of light.....the darkness coming so early .......it's easy to forget that tomorrow.....the days begin to lengthen.....and we move towards spring and regeneration....from this point....from this dark dark day.....the future begins.
I pause every year at this time. It has become my tradition. I think of the hurtful and the hard and the frustrating times I've felt in the past year. I take inventory. I write them down...
Perhaps the change will be imperceptible at first....just like the second or two of light that is added to each day.....but at some point....on some day......I will realize.....I am someplace new....
and it will feel like spring.
From this point, more light each day.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Please note.....I'm not this loud when I'm sitting at my computer.
Monday, December 17, 2007
The funny thing is....although she stares at my eyeballs all night.... hub is the first to exit the bed most mornings....so she sits and waits for him outside the bathroom door.....then leads him down the hall (hysterically meowing) to her waiting food and water bowl.
which is usually filled.....
All I can say is..... thank heavens she is not one of those new glowing cats....because now I know she's watching me.....if she glowed....I could even SEE her watching me......... all night long.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
No not this type.
When some people don't have their needs met....they feel obligated to throw a barb at you....to hurt you or make you suffer because you disappointed them.
I see this all the time at the bookstore where I work.... especially now....as the holidays put pressure on folks.
If I don't have the book they want......customers often hiss at me....."Well...I'll just go to Amazon," .......sometimes they'll throw in a scowl or a dramatic lift of the eyebrows to accompany the sentence....other times they turn on their heels and leave in a huff away from the information desk.
I've learned to say nothing in response to the Amazon threat....because if I say anything....whether it's pleasant or catty...it often escalates the situation.
Folks who engage in barb throwing..... often need to have the last word.....so even if I reply with.. "Good Luck" or "Hope you find your book"......they'll have to throw in a big final sentence like...."I'm going to do all my business online from now on" or "I'm never coming back here".... Etc. Etc. Etc.
I love books. I think they can change your life. As a bookseller, I want people to find their books. Most booksellers....feel the same way. When a book is out of stock for our stores, we often refer people to Amazon....."Why don't you try Amazon....they may have a book or two left."
Some folks give me a suspicious look when I say our competitor's name.....thinking I have a secret liaison with the enemy.
I don't....I just want them to find their book. Sincerely ....I do.... A book is not like a pair of socks or underwear.....it's a specific and personal choice....so substituting one book for another is not an equal trade off.
If I go to the store to buy a pair of black Nike socks....I can probably switch to Reebok socks and feel okay about it......If I go into a bookstore wanting the Joy of Sex.....and come out with the Joy of Cooking.....well that's a whole different evening at home isn't it?
Maybe I should take a lesson from those mythical Amazon women.....and walk into work with a breast plate and shield.....might help folks see....they shouldn't attack the messenger....if their book is not available.....but then again it might give some customers additional fodder.....
"I don't have to deal with people in armor at Amazon.com"
No....... you don't.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Curiousity seekers, astonished friends and family and well-wishers may drop by to view the event. Cameras are welcome.
A fresh loaf of Ciabatta bread and danish butter will be available for those who feel faint. Wine is available for the over-stimulated.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
She posted this pic of him.
This is one of the finest pictures of a man I have ever seen.
What a thigh......
I'd like to date him too........lol....or at least make him stand up and face forward.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Thursday, December 06, 2007
The Menfolks in my house need a news stand in the bathroom to perform their bodily functions.
Enter any bathroom in my house (I have three) and you'll find various magazines, books, and newspapers scattered around. The guys seem to function like a stoplight...needing some intermediary time in their comings and goings....whereas I function more like a stop sign....stop and go.
I get quite an education during my pit stops depending on which bathroom I visit. Go to the "boy " bathroom and you'll find a school yearbook on the floor or perhaps an Airline magazine showing the newest fleet of airplanes out of Dubai.
Our master bath....has a lot of wood magazines in it along with books like Northwest Exposures: A Geologic Story of the Northwest (Reading material which makes a quick exit....a blessing).
The other day a wood mag was left open to an article and I couldn't help but notice the above ad.
What is this guy doing?????
He's obviously carved an almost life sized naked woman ....but is there a reason he's holding her around the waist with one hand while his other arm is at a jaunty angle? Looks like they're headed off to a square dance....to do a little hidey ho-ing. Makes you wonder what he looked like while he was sanding and oiling her........
And what's an I'm into Easy t-shirt? Easy what..is the question? Is her name....Easy? Are relationships easier for him with an unreal decapitated woman?? ....I know there's a precedent for men and inanimate women...I mean that is the appeal of a blow-up doll.... right?
Also....would you want to be caught walking down the street wearing a t-shirt that says, "I'm into Easy???" As I woman, that's just asking for trouble......and as a man....well ...I'm sure women hanging around street corners might smile.....especially if you're pants are bulging....with a big wad of bills.
I don't even want to talk about the video implications. I'll leave that for your imagination.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
Doggy asked me what sort of "nibbles" were served at le Grand Party.... so here's the menu. The crowd was conservative....an important consideration.
Sun-dried tomato and pesto torta with baguettes and assorted crackers
Warm artichoke dip with garlic toast crostinis
Fresh fruit with Gran Marneir dip
Crusty french rolls with beef tenderloin and Dijon
Sliced Turkey on cranberry focaccia squares
Mini vegetable cheesecakes
Marinated tart green olive salad with red and yellow peppers and dilled garlic
Fresh chopped tomato and asparagus salad
assorted red wines....Meritage, Shiraz, Merlot
Godiva Chocolate cheesecake
Mini Biscotti with Tiramasu dip
Zinfandel Amador Ice Wine
Sunday, December 02, 2007
I'm so pleased.....no fires....no accidental split pea soup.....no lampshades hurt during the process.
Everyone seemed comfortable and happy.
The house glowed.....the food was interesting..... I made sure glasses were filled.....checked plates....and sent the bachelors home with a mini meal for the next day.
A few folks discovered the joys of the bubbly.....as they experimented with fresh raspberries and a dash of Chambord in their drinks.
There is something so intrinsically good about sharing your home....and celebrating....yes?
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
We're having "The Holiday Party" for my hub's office at our house this year. I scheduled the party early in the season.....so people wouldn't be worn out (and whining) from too much eating and drinking.... and folks might actually enjoy themselves.
I started seriously prepping yesterday....cleaning cleaning.....getting the the industrial strength shop vac out....sucking on the baseboards and pookies settled in corners and behind the furniture.
The men folks were confused by this activity.
"I thought the cleaning ladies were coming before the party."
"Why are you cleaning then?"
"To get ready for the cleaning ladies."
Guys just don't get it. You have to prep to be cleaned. You can't have cleaning ladies come to a dirty house or they will spend all their time cleaning...but it’s the wrong type of cleaning....it's cleaning for daily life rather than cleaning for a party....which is a totally separate type of cleaning.
So after scouring the house with my gigantic vacuum looking for offending dust bunnies, spiders, and dog hair......it was time for the fun part......decorating!
Well, I thought it was going to be fun........but....Murphy ’s Law or Santa’s Revenge was at work......because nothing went right.
So I thought I'd share some important hints and tips I’ve learned from my recent mishaps...so if you’re getting ready for your parties.....you might be spared some big time pre-party trouble.
1) Never put old pine cones in a microwave. I like natural decorations....pine cones in a wooden bowl.....cat-tails(as in flora not fauna) in vases.....but if your pine cones are dusty and you wash them......do not dry them in a microwave... ( it seemed like such a logical idea at the time) because you won't have anything to put back in your bowl..... old wet pine cones ...explode....like popcorn kernels. The only positive... a nice piney smell while you're cleaning up the hot sap.
2) Always allow plenty of time for glitches with new creative ideas. So here's the problem....everyone will end up in my kitchen at the party.....right? The standard party clump.
To encourage mingling, I'm spreading out the beverages....wine in the family room, beer off the kitchen and a champagne station in the living room. This also allows folks who are a tad nosey to look around my house...without embarrassment. Trouble with the champagne station......no tablecloth large enough to elegantly drape over the card table....and serve as the bottom for the topper (I believe that line comes from an erotic novel.)
Brilliant idea: use the 2 gazillion thread count cotton flat sheet from the new bed linens. Bad idea: Wash the 2 gazillion thread sheet and put it in the dryer. Know what happens to a pure cotton sheet post dryer?
Wrinkles.....thousands and thousands and thousands of wrinkles.
So....I’m ironing and ironing....20 minutes.....40 minutes.....the sheet is never ending.....and it's still crumpled.
So I channel my feisty Lithuanian grandma (okay not really but I did think about her)....and remembered what she used to do.... drape a towel over her shoulder and have a bowl of water near the ironing board....she’d press the wet towel on the sheet....iron....then viola....linen as smooth as a baby's butt.
Happy to report it works...sad to report it took me an hour and half to make my sheets look like a baby's butt.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Last night was a doooosey.....I woke up twice.....in full blown mental busyness. I told myself....hey didn't you get the good news on this .....you know one door closes another door opens thing? or hello.....wasn't this resolved like a week ago?
A friend of mine who is a retired psychologist...... told me that he never stays in bed when something like this happens. He gets up and goes someplace else...because he wants his bed to remain a place of peace and restfulness....(I know.... these psychology folks are interesting aren't they?).....so instead of lying there ....I got up and surfed the net...
I was reading a blog when I came across a little dohickey that said take this blog test...and found myself at a site which had about ... 50 "quizzes" ....want to find out how your name would be translated into a Native American language? click here....(by the way my name turned out to be something like bright red flute...lol) want to know if you're a good kisser? if you have a tendency to be a kleptomaniac? well click away and discover....
So I thought I would post a few of my late night results:
Hey this is funny at 3AM....I'm just one hot woman surfing the net...the best in sex....a great flirt...strong...generous....and let me say that again.....the best in sex....suddenly all I could think of was that dumb song....and so I You-Tubed it....to torture myself....and thought I would add it for your enjoyment....now think of me....when you're listening to this......
I took a liberal/conservative test and came out.....an equality/fairness buff ....which I found comforting.
You are a Social Justice Crusader, also known as a rights activist. You believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.
And if you enjoy reading this blog....or you've read some of my other blogs....well ...nothing like aiming for the well- educated.....cause a test run of my blog.......showed it to be ....well little more than school yard drivel....
and finally.....why not take a girly test....with questions like....how often do you get a pedicure ....and how many pink things are in your room....and if you absolutely must have girlfriends accompany you shopping>>>
You're 46% Girly.....
You're a very free spirit.
Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.
So I hauled my elementary free-spirited sexy ass to my restful peaceful bed.....and told my subconscious to cool it.....which it did....
because the alarm clock was about to go off....
Sunday, November 25, 2007
The guy...gray-haired and in his early sixties...in khaki pants and crisp ironed plaid shirt smiles a little. Maybe this a joke... maybe I look so cute in my new tight Vera Wang sweater with a nice whallop of cleavage showing this morning.... he wants to throw me off balance... telling me the problem is I'm so gorgeous he can't concentrate on his reading materials.
"We have a complaint." A gray-haired woman joins him. Okay forget the compliments.......this woman is serious with a capital S. She has a naturally upturned nose and unfortunately has titled her head up so I can stare deeply .....into her nasal canals.
"I want you to inform the manager there aren't enough upholstered chairs in the store," she says.
This is a new one for me. I'm not quite sure what to say..... maybe they haven't found our stash of chairs. "We have 4 chairs in the back of the store."
"Yes....but someone is already sitting in one of them and we want to sit together," she whined. I put on my concerned retail sales face so I won't roll my eyes and grimace at her. She's cradling three notebooks and a bunch of pens in her hand so she's probably planning to use the store as a library ......copy information without buying a thing.
"There's two chairs by the children's department."
"We don't like to sit there."
"There's a row of wooden chairs by the news stand."
The woman's lips curl upward and the combo of upturned nose and lips creates a frightening snarl.
"We don't like the wooden chairs, why don't you have more upholstered chairs?" The man chimes in.....since his wife is too busy making faces at me.
"They're harder to keep clean and get worn out." I'm not sure this is the reason the upholstered seating has declined in our store but it sounds logical and could be true. They squint at me......I have upset them with a grain of truth.
"That's no excuse...." the guy snaps.
"Listen....let me tell you about......" but I don't complete my sentence. I smile and count to 5 or maybe 6. "I'll forward your concerns to the store manager."
"I suggest you do that, " he says with a formality smacking of a BBC character.
They head off to the unacceptable chairs by the children's department. I check out the chairs by the computer and see one of our regulars has occupied it. An older man....in dirty slacks, greasy glasses, unkempt hair and dirty yellow fingernails. He comes into the store....finds a hardback....takes the dust cover off and drops it to the floor....then reads for hours...occasionally picking his nose or rubbing his hands on his face and then resting it on the arm of the upholstered chair.
I didn't tell them....but I'm going to tell you.
Never sit in an upholstered chair in a bookstore...unless you're in a air tight space suit certified by NASA.
Do you have any idea who sits and wallows in these chairs for hours?
Here's a list of people:
Toddlers with sticky hands who spill the contents of their sippy cups all over the chair.
Old guys who haven't bathed.....and may be greasy and smelly or both.
Homeless men and women who occasionally sit with us for a spell.
Young guys in crumpled dirty clothes that haven't seen a laundry in weeks.
Workmen,who are taking a quick break, with debris (paint, oil, smudges) on their clothes and stains on their hands.
People (men and women) who curl up in a chair and put their dirty shoes all over the chairs (people tend to sit in all kinds of odd positions after a few hours).
People who take off their shoes and put their bare feet (which exhibit a wide spectrum of cleanliness) all over the seat and arms.
People who spill coffee and frappicinos into the chairs as well as drop cake, cookies, pretzels and our new egg sandwiches onto the fabric.
People who use the fabric as napkins because they don't want to wander back to cafe and get one.
People who sneeze and cough without covering their mouths and nose.
Groups of people...all trying to fit into one chair....to kiss, snuggle, drop food, and paw the fabric during intensely intimate conversations.
I don't even want to think of the kids who may have lice.... or staph infections....or conjunctivities.....yes....let's not go there.
My advice....steer away from fabric and head for those nice wooden chairs scattered through out most stores.......they may not be as comfortable.....but there's a lot less human residue on them.
Friday, November 23, 2007
His eyes widened. He looked startled.
"Did you say what I think you said?"
Why bother with a Xmas tree when you can make a man's eyes light up with a single word.
I was so thrilled with his reaction.....I wasn't very careful.....and said the "F" word again to him....not realizing my youngest son was in the room.
My son's eyes grew wide when it sunk in what I had said.
"I never thought I'd hear you say that word."
Caught. Embarrassed. What could I say?
In minutes my oldest son appears in the kitchen. "Tom told me what you said."
My sons are now staring at me....I'm squirming.....my hub is delighted.
"Say it again." My boys plead in unison.
"No, I will not."
"Thrill us and say it again," my hub says.
Trapped. Temper rising. I give up.
"I think we should get a Flatscreen for the family room."
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
10:00 Pm...the day before Thanksgiving.
For the last 10-12 years.....I would be..... at this time....curled up in a chair in my parent's family room in Chicago....reading The Trib or the Sun Times newspapers......while my hub looked over dinner ingredients for the next day.....and my children and parents watched TV together.....my mother sneaking the kids chocolates and treats and dollar bills......which I pretended not to see.
We planned to go to Chicago this year as usual....but our children are on the threshold between life with us and life on their own.....and earlier this month we realized we could not gather everyone for the trip.
There is something startling and sad and wonderful in such a life change.
My children....my children.....are all beginning to step into their own young adult lives.
My daughter will start working with autistic children and begin scouting for grad schools in psychology. She will cook her first solo Thanksgiving dinner with her boyfriend. (God help him....and keep his love strong for she inherited my lack of cooking skills.)
My son, who struggles with speech and language and a handful of other disabilities....drove 2 miles from our house on his own ...and interviewed for a new job ....which accepted him. On the way home....he stopped and bought a Subway sandwich, chips, soda and a cookie......and took 20.00 of his own money out of an ATM...... so to the school officials....who told us he was retarded and severely limited in his ability to function in society....I salute you.... your god damn ignorance and arrogance made us fight even harder.
And finally....Our baby, the red headed 6'2"..... wheeler/dealer and con man.......received an excellent ACT score (at least... I hope it's his score ...) and asked if I could help him with his college applications this weekend.........after.... of course..... he's finishes getting to a new level on Guitar Hero.
You prepare and work on their education, their socialization, their readiness to assume their own lives......and one day..... they are there......
but I didn't think it would be this year......
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
I have a stunning antique armoire, a gorgeous wardrobe with large oval mirrors and carved wood ornamental designs.....I only store two things in here....my best lingerie and a few formal dresses. I store the dresses in garment bags to keep the dust off. While tidying up the interior, I realized I hadn't opened one garment bag in ages....what was in there?
I unzipped it, gasped, and stood back in horror.
OMG>> could I have actually bought these dresses?
The sad truth is ladies....I did....in California.....10 or more years ago. The only good thing I can say is....I have never ever worn them since I moved out of the sunshine state....do you think UV rays plus wine can damage some part of your brain so these might be considered stylish purchases?
Like my grandmother's curtains.
I think "Monet" when I look at it.......except I'm sure he would have poked his paintbrush through his eye rather than be memorialized in this way.
It gets worse.
I must have been a flapper in a previous life. Why else would I buy a dress that looks like something from a movie in the '20's only in color?
I am typing this sentence in horror ....but I believe I wore this to a formal dinner party in California. I know ....it makes me shiver too.
Trouble is I have a vague memory of men complimenting me in my flapper dress.....it has deep cleavage.....I don't think they noticed anything beyond "the line."
I bitch about the South.....but sisters......the beautiful southern women here know how to dress.....this is what I buy now....black and clingy ..... but still with deep cleavage (an asset is an asset.)
There is a happy ending to this wardrobe nightmare.
I don't buy things like this anymore....and perhaps somewhere in this town....there is an ex-Californian who is sad-hearted because all she can find to wear is the ubiquitous little black dress.....can you imagine her "hallelujah" moment when she sees these and at thirft store prices?
Friday, November 16, 2007
Yikes....how long has it been since I cleaned under or moved the bed? Obviously a long long time....which for a minute made me feel bad ....since it was a sign I am not a domestic diva....but I reminded myself this is exactly why I was playing Desperate Housewife till the first of the year.
I gathered my courage, swallowed my pride and called up the men folks.
"Let's move the bed." They looked frightened........"Come on ... be brave.....1....2....3....."
Wow....what emerged was like a snapshot of the ten years we have been living in the house.
Here's a few a things I found:
Honest....this is the number of books found under and within three feet of the bed. The taller pile are my books.....the shorter pile are his books. Our books rarely mingle....he reads natural history, science and historical books......I'm so ecclectic it's frightening. Here's a few of my books....Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice, The Stories of John Cheever, Amphibians and Reptiles of my home state, a book I bought in Singapore about Lady Raffles, 6 erotica books, two chick lits, a couple of novels....and one book on the Art of Japonese Erotic Bondage.
(OH my gosh Krista.....do you remember how we were going to co-author a short story about a woman who tells her husband to buy a little rope for a little bondage play in the bedroom and he misunderstands what she wants and buys a 100 yards of rope from Home Depot and she tries to figure out what to do with all that rope without hurting his feelings....after you finish your dissertation we gotta do it.... LOLLLOOL>>>)
Panties...lots and lots of panties
Apparently....I'm a pantie flipper....from sexy thongs to grannys....I'm obviously prone to tossing my underwear. I never realized how often I flip.....this has been quite a revelation....I wonder if I should wear a belt to bed....to keep my underwear secured. (Note I only found one bra)
Holy shit we could have blown up the house........I found a whole box of stuff (and more than just sparklers).....obviously they were hidden under the bed so the kids wouldn't find them....but I'm thinking wow...I've been sleeping above enough explosives to wipe out the need for me to ever be a Desperate Housewife.... cause there would be no house to worry about.50 year old flamingoes.
My dad gave me these cement flamingoes just before we moved here. He bought them in Florida about 50 years ago. I believe one of them has the original paint....and the other one my dad "touched " up......They were outside on my deck but I was so worried they would deteriorate.... I must have stashed them under the bed. I'd like to reinsert their metal iron rod legs...and see if there is a way I can stand up in the house. (Picture hub rolling his eyes and signing at this announcement)
Other things found but not photographed>>>>
one petrified hairball from the cat.
Halloween candy I hid to save for the trick or treaters .....like 4 years ago.
18 pens and pencils
a toy (not for children)
one of my wedding pictures
8 unused picture frames
a poster of a squirrel
a really really really bad oil painting bought at one of those famous artist shows at a local hotel
a poster of Yosemite National Park
and one of the best things was a handwritten note from my son on notebook paper..... this is exactly how it reads:
I (Tom) am home sick today I was thowing up This morning. I just thought I let you know
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Me, Temporary Desperate Housewife, started cleaning the Master Bedroom last night.
Here's the conversation I had with hub after we moved the blanket chest at the foot of the bed.
"There's a baseball bat under the chest."
"Gee, I forgot all about it."
"Boys put it there?"
"No, I did."
"Are you planning to beat someone up?"
Sunday, November 11, 2007
So you're one of those....Mr. Smarty Pants...Ms. Great Reader.....and you pride yourself on understanding words or having a great vocab.....
and you like a challenge.....
so take a vocabulary test.....yes....I know it reminds you of taking the ACT or SAT....but hey ...those were the good ol' days right???
the cool thing with this vocabulary test is that every time you get a word right.......
you get.....10 grains of rice.....that's not much....but the more you test and play....the more rice you accumulate.......and the best part is THEY'RE NOT GOING TO SEND IT TO YOU....
some corporate sponsors will donate the money necessary to buy the rice and it will be sent to areas of need in the world......
it's legit.....nothing bad will attack your computer if you go there.......and for once you can sit in your computer chair and with the mere click of a mouse.....do some good.....
try it......and learn a few words along the way......and it's fun....if you like geeky challenges......
Press here to go to the web page.
Friday, November 09, 2007
"The Ganeesh elephant."
"Where?" And sure enough in a store window was Ganeesh, a Hindu God.... a particular favorite of mine.....boy wonder....remover of obstacles.
The store had lots of Oriental furniture and a wall full of paintings/lithos/art.
Without warning, an entire row of pictures starting "yooo hoooo ing" at me.
"Stop now, I can't take you all home." It's okay when one piece of art calls out my name....but a crowd is disconcerting. "Take me home....take me home."
I asked the clerk what she knew about the paintings or if she had some idea what was written on each one.
"No, we haven't a clue. They just came in this way."
I picked the plump bottom girl with no panties. We had lots in common. I forget my panties too (sometimes).....I have a cat..... I had a bird....(unfortunately my Springer Spaniel ate it) and I liked Chinese calligraphy.
Tonight while getting the house ready for company. I sat down on the stairs. Plump bottom girl was leaning against the wall on the landing. All I needed was a hammer and a nail and she'd be home.
So we were sitting there looking at each other....when I began to "see" things I hadn't noticed before.......
Like her nipple was hanging out of her shirt. Like her cheeks were abnormally flushed. A fan was on the floor.....had she been lying down on the mat?... a resting cat.....a startled bird.
"Well my dear.....self-love or lover?"
I bet self-love.
A cat never looks content if a man's involved.....
And the writing? I can only imagine......
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
So I hit Barnes and Noble online to buy a basic belly dancing DVD. I couldn't believe there were 18 choices. Here's a few of them:
I didn't know you could belly dance your way to nirvana. In fact, I didn't know belly dancing could be enlightening ...(okay...maybe belly dancing can "enlighten" a man....but I never classified it as self-enlightening.) Truthfully, I thought of my dancing as a Wiggle Tune Up...rather than a soul expanding opportunity. I passed on this one...there's no way I can OHMMM and dance at the same time right now.
Dancing with Veils
I couldn't even dance with a sheet.
Cardio Belly Dancing
Nope. Won't buy anything with Cardio in the title. A couple years ago, I went to an introductory cardio kick boxing class. Afterwards, a peppy woman, whose job it was to chat me up , started talking to me. She showed me her ass which she said had been sagging, she showed me her thighs which she said had been flabby...she talked about her arms which weren't perky...her tummy which had not been flat enough.....at 4o she had been a wreck....she even showed me a before picture of herself..... I checked it out.....she was drop dead gorgeous....just like she was now. If she had been sagging and bagging....we were talking millimeters not inches.....I wanted to take her hands....and say....honey get a life....but I didn't....I promised to think about it....I did...I never went back and stay away from Cardio anything.
.Learn the Art of Male Belly Dancing
Too scary to even think about.
Guess I'll wait till the next class and see if my teacher sells DVD's. Until then.....I guess I'll make up my own routine.....sway sway kick kick .....sway sway...kick kick...lift the breasts... lift the arms...and shimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy.