Wow.....what a month.
It's gone by so quickly that I hardly had time to take a deep breath.
First my bat mitzvah. Yes....as the ripe age of...well, lets say beyond 13....I completed my bat mitzvah. Since I shared the ceremony with another woman....it was called a b'not mitzvah....the plural of bat mitzvah.
When my Saturday finally came around, I was ready. I had studied for two years....knew my prayers....knew how to say prayers, knew how to chant my prayers and Torah portion. I was well prepared although I wondered what and how things would come out of my mouth since I didn't know how my anxiety and nervousness would affect my performance.
I woke up early in the morning since I was going to get my hair done. I went downstairs into the empty kitchen and picked up my practice sheet and tried to chant. Nothing came out but a squeak. Somehow overnight, my slight allergy to ragweed went nuclear. I panicked. It was 6am....4.5 hours till I needed to sing and speak and all I could do was squeak. I sat down took and deep breath....and tried to remember all my nursing. Okay....warm tea....a little honey.....orange juice...a warm salt gargle. I did them all. As I dashed out the door, I brought along a thermos full of tea and a spoon with a jar of honey. I shut off the radio in the car and just tried to relax....sipped my tea....take a deep breath. By the time I arrived at the hair salon....I tried talking to myself in the car and my voice had mostly come back. I still kept sipping my tea.
After my hair was done....I drove to the Temple...surprised how calm I was. There was nothing much I could do...the day had arrived...the material had been studied....what will happen will happen. I dressed in the bride's room and was putting on my shoes when my partner blew in. She was a ball of electric....bouncing off all the wall as her clothes flew from one chair to another. I almost had to step out of the room because all the anxiety was starting to seep into me. Fortunately, my daughter came along to ask me a question and I left the dressing room and could gain my composure again.
And then it started....people were in their places...in their seats....and we walked out to begin the service. I read the first prayer in English just fine....but the first time prayer that was in Hebrew that had to be sung was a little warbly. I could feel my voice shake and with an incredibly good sound system...my small vocal quivers sounded magnified to me. But I kept going...and it got easier and I remembered I didn't have to look up at the audience...I could just look down at my prayer book and go on. And I did.....one prayer that had a difficult chant went down smoothly....another prayer with a tricky word...I passed by without problems. Even reading from the Torah....went well. All that rehearsal....all that studying came shining through.
My partner was doing as well as I was....after two years of working together I knew where she stumbled or had problems just as she knew the sections I had problems with. But we sailed through them....and before long....we came to the part were I sang the last blessing and then we could both sit down and relax. The service would be finished by the Rabbi. We both wanted to high five each other but thought that was not a good idea. So we nodded and smiled....realizing we had made it to the finish line.
After it was over, people congratulated us....gave us positive feedback and comments. We had a celebratory lunch, but I don't remember eating much. I was still sort of floating around....thanking people....saying hello. By the time the luncheon ended and we gathered all the decorations (mostly mums)...it was 3pm. Somehow I drove home...tossed my clothes off....and just sank back into my bed. The family roused me in an hour....or so...and then we went out to eat. My partner said to come over for dessert around 9 or 10 pm....but after we ate....I grew so tired...I was so exhausted ...I excused myself and went to bed at 10pm.
The next day I was still limp....I couldn't believed how tense I must have been or nervous....because now I was like rag doll....all wiggly and without a bone that worked in my body.
My daughter stayed for a few days afterwards and that was the only thing that roused me. She had several stores she wanted to look at for ideas and a few things to bring back home...so I had to rally to drive around and make some decisions. After she left....I was really in a daze ...and was bewildered. What do I do with my evenings now? How do I handle the days of the week? After two years of studying and practicing at least every other day....I was startled I didn't have to spend my evenings studying. So I decided to just tidy up and use these last couple of weeks to organize and reorganize. Put things away...get rid of things I don't need from my studies ...and write thank you notes to people who gave gifts or helped with the luncheon. Time has just zipped by.....and now this week I have to prepare for a medical procedure .....and after that....transition to a new segment of my life.
My son asked me the other day, "What your next project?" ...and I told him....I'm still deciding.....it's good sometimes to finish something big...and know you can decide what to move on to next.
