Happy

Sweet Kitty

She buried her head in my arms and purred...just a little.

The vet gently took her paw and injected the medicine which stopped her breathing so quickly ...I didn't even realized she had died. Her body was so soft and relaxed and warm.
I tried to control my sobs....and I did somewhat...but when you hold things too tight...it likes something breaks inside you.

I was driving her to the vet to have him look at a wound on her lip that was growing larger and starting to bleed. Half way there....she made a strange noise and when I glanced over at her carrier ....all I could see was blood....a huge amount of it.

I hit the gas....passed a car in the no pass zone up a hill.....and just grabbed her when I hit the vet's office.

Both vets came instantly and gave each other "the look." I was a nurse....I know the look.

She was conscious but bloody....the vet felt a mass in her little skinny belly. He gave me options...but there weren't really any. The wound...most likely cancer...the mass ...another lump...her rabid appetite and weight loss in the last two weeks....and obviously she was starting to hemorrhage from someplace.

I kept shaking my head....I couldn't believe what was happening......yet despite her growing weakness....she nudged my hand to pet her....to continue her scratchies....which I did.

I asked for a few minutes.... walked to the car to call my hub....but I couldn't speak. He's a smart man though...a sobbing wife on the phone calling from the vet....he figured it out.

I cried all evening and tossed and turned all night.

She had been my kitty....my little friend....we were attached to each other....but I haven't been around much the last 9 months....and even since I got back home three weeks ago....I have been so busy....I obviously didn't put two and two together...her reclusive behavior...her appetite...I supposed knowing she had cancer a week or two wouldn't have changed this outcome...but I would have given her much more love and attention....which she deserved....matching her life long devotion to me with more of my time.

Sweet sweet kitty.



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Naughty Naughty girls....

Sounds like Paula Deen and her guest are checking out naughty nighties at one of those sex parties.....with all their moaning and groaning.....and bad girl voices......

instead the Queen of Butter and her friend are concocting the "heart attack" sandwich.....

Lord help me....I feel all tingly.....

Yoga and Alcohol....or how you can finally attain and sustain those difficult Yoga positions

Here we have a yogi holding a difficult position.

Caption reads: Yogacharya Ivengar in Setubandha Sarvangasana

This version of the posture requires considerable strength in the neck, shoulders and back requiring years of practice to achieve.

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Here a gentleman attempts the same position under the influence.


Note: he is under supervision.

Sort of.

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Down to my pasties..........

My life has been like a strip tease the last two years....

and today I'm down to my pasties.

I resigned my position at the bookstore where I've worked for 7 years.

Haven't actually worked at the store since the day my dad had his stroke last February....but I was technically on the roster and could have worked during the upcoming holiday rush.

I love books....I love the potential each one carries...to excite or thrill or teach you ....but I actually loved the people I worked with even more than the books....sometimes in work environments....you work with all the same type of people....for example...when I was a nurse....my core work group was my fellow nurses....even though they were all individuals....there's a certain uniformity in working with the same professionals, who have the same educational background and job goals....but let me tell you.....working in a bookstore was like working in Disneyland....there's a character around every corner....whether its your workmates or the customers. There's drama....there's pressure...there's problems.....and there's not one person who is handling it the same way. I loved that....I loved the diversity....the new folks....the core group of "old timers"....and the age range which spanned from baby faced 18 year olds to a woman in her seventies.

But.......

I am home now for the first time mentally in almost a year......and I wanted to focus on my family when they come back home.....my conversion which is just around the corner.....my disorganized house oozing stuff.....and even my upcoming trip to the East Coast.

Telling my former manager I would not work the holidays and would end my employment was like shedding, yet again, another very personal part of myself....only this time it was a voluntary shed instead of a yank by life.

When I walked out of the store....now truly unemployed.....I felt almost naked....stripped down to pasties and a G string. I kept thinking to myself....Gina....there's not much left girl.

And just then....a cold motherfucker wind blew across the parking lot and I realized I better start looking around for some new clothes.....cause if you pop your pasties....the show's over.

"Oops...there goes my job."

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Zap to the eyeball.

I have a bad eye.

I decided to go for lasik surgery because I'm always afraid that if I lost my contact I'd be stranded somewhere....unable to drive home.

Even when I had a backup or two with me, I'd still worry. What if my bag got lost or stolen? How was I going to get a contact in the middle of the Sahara desert or even in New York City at 10pm on a Friday night?

So I went for procedure yesterday.....it's very quick.....less than two minutes with a laser....and I spent the evening mumbling a few ouches....but nothing severe...more like a deep irritation that disappeared by morning.

Today....I can see close and a few feet away with no problem....but my distant vision is a bit fuzzy yet. The doc told me to give it at least a week or two to settle. I probably can see better right now than I did without my contact....but still it would be nice to see clearly....since that was the reason I went to surgery.

Hell it's tough to be patient all the time isn't it?

10 mg of Valium and I'm quite a party girl...

my hub said I was laughing at everything.

Booby Prize

Those cranes....mechanized arms....for 50 cents........used to reach for soft plush toys....but someone in Japan has brought new joy to the idea of getting the "booby prize."

So hassle free ...no hooks ...no bras....no "not tonight".......almost makes a guy want to abandon the real thing.

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Grand finale

My lone Ginkgo tree started to rain leaves today. During a few moments of sun, I rushed out with my camera and took a picture of the translucent leaves before they tumbled from their places.

Ginkgoes shed their leaves quickly....as if the entire tree decided to throw off its foliage in one elaborate grand finale in stark contrast to the slow tease of the nearby Oaks.

Like a swarm of yellow butterflies....the leaves fluttered down from the highest branches and swirled around the lawn and street.

Each leaf seemed to quake in its final moments, a final jig to life, before it turned soft and limp.

So much loss ......so much to be done before spring.
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Perfect fall day

It is a perfect southern fall day.

Luscious.

Warm.

Blue.

Green. Red. Yellow. Brown.

Crispy, soft.

Lazy.

I slept in till 8:30.....then lingered.....warm and content in my bed.

I drank a mug of strong coffee and headed out the door...not to work or do errands...but for a walk.

When I returned, I sat on my dad's old bench, now in our driveway, drenched in sunlight. The rough dark red wooden boards radiated heat.

I took off my sweatshirt....then my t-shirt....and laid back on the tough wood in my sports bra ...feeling the sun in unfamiliar places....my chest....my midsection.....under my arms.

I feel like I've emerged from a pool of pain and anguish.

So much and so many tears.......such a long long year.

Perhaps I will mimic mother nature....shed......go dormant....conserve my energy...and begin dreaming of a new life.... a new start in spring.
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A lone ginko leaf fell onto the hood of my car....and rested there.... in the sky's reflection.

I fear pictures tell the story

This is how my parent's house looked after I renovated it.

Clean.

Shiny.

Lots of Space.

This is what my house looks like now....a dining room that is
filled to the brim........

A three car garage with two spaces filled with stuff from my parent's house.

Hmmmmmmmm

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Home

I am home.

I am happy to be home.

I am happy to sleep in my own bed

and stumble over all my own stuff.

I am home.

I am happy to be home.