No Longer Desperate.......

For the last 2.5 (long) months....I've been playing Desperate Housewife....tending to the needs of our house. I'm not exactly the housewife type.....but I worked hard...really hard ...painting, deep cleaning and organizing repair men.

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I wish I could tell you I accomplished everything on my list.....but a bathroom remodel never made it to completion. So I'm graduating from Desperate Housewife to Weekend Warrior.....as I've decided it's time to get back to writing and the community projects I care about.

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I'm nervous and excited about returning to my work. I have some good leads from a experienced freelance writer and I'm going to tackle the rewrite of my children's book. I'm also planning to duct tape myself to my office chair....until I can tease some stories out of my head and heart....about Africa and crossing the Sahara desert. Time washes away detail but it gives perspective...and the whole experience of being in Northern Africa from Tunisia to Lome....has cooked for a year now.

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And of course....I hear Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again" in my ear.......so it's off to NYC in a couple weeks for a mega conference and Washington D. C. around Valentine's day for hub's business meeting.

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So pop the cork on the champagne babies....it's the NEW YEAR.

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And...........Blessings to all of you......

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may your life this year be filled with good challenges....texture.....and many people, events and things to make you smile.

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Chic Lit for the New Year......

Screw all that young love stuff....

the featured wedding in the New York Times Celebration section.....is a real hanky waver this week...highlighting old lovers reunited after years of seperation.... and ending with so much smooching...the rabbi had to put a stop to the lip smacking to give the final blessing.

Chic lit suprema.....

and the last line is a perfect quote to add to your fresh new year calender.

Are you ready ladies?.......click here.
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And if you're an XY chromo holder and don't want to feel left out.....here's the quote :

“You grab life, and you don’t waste time.”

Fits on a guy calender too....lol.
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Better late than Never.....

I just finished my Christmas cards/letters tonight...yeah...I know... a bit late...but I labeled them as Happy New Year Cards/Letters....hoping to look hip versus tardy.

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I gave up on Christmas correspondence for a few years but I'm slowly returning to the tradition. With email.....I send notes all the time....so it seems weird to send a snail mail card .....but we've lived in so many places across the country....there are people we don't regularly communicate with but still want to say hello to......so I've rediscovered the Xmas card/letter has a valid niche.

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I send boxed Xmas cards to relatives and folks who fall under the "brief howdy" list....and I send Xmas letters to everyone else.

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On the receiving end.....Christmas letters often depress me. When they arrive....I stack them in a pile....and then (with a full glass of wine nearby) I read them.... all at once. We must have exceptional friends because they all have brilliant children excelling in everything and they all have second houses in exotic locations where they languish for weeks in complete bliss.

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I'm not envious or jealous or even unhappy for my friends....it's just that...I like hearing the ups and downs of life....not just the highlights. My children, for example, are wonderful... a blessing....but they spend part of their lives each year on the learning curve.... getting out of imperfect I and funny) situations.

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Take my youngest son......he was a bagger at a grocery store.....but he found bagger life crimped his lifestyle......so he resigned a couple weeks ago. No big deal...right? Trouble is.....he didn't tell us he resigned...instead of working his 4-8PM shift ....he detoured to his friend's house to play video games. It was a bad decision on his part......because one evening while shopping...I looked around for him and asked the store manager where he was.....

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"He resigned.....a week ago."

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"You're kidding."

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"I'm not."

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"You' re sure?"

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"I am."

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"You're his mother?"

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"I am."

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"Oh boy....he's in trouble."

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I nodded... pulled out my phone and texted: Busted. I'm at the grocery store... you're not. Get your ASS home ...NOW.

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Of course... I sent a second message. "Drive your ASS home carefully."

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I guess that's why perfect Xmas letters detailing perfect lives make me sigh. I prefer the letters that are "real"....the ones that mention disappointment, achievements, mistakes and hopes because when you read letters with that content....you feel emotionally plugged in to your friends again.

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So I mention the good, the bad, and maybe a brief ugly when I write my letters. This year, I not only mentioned my son's job adventures but I also mentioned my hub is dealing with a lot of "administrative crap" at work and crap was the perfect word to use... even though it's not a popular word in most holiday letters. I hope the misadventures and the revelant words convey a sense of what our life has been like the last year.

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It seemed like a good omen to have enough stamps and enough charity/alumni sponsored return address labels for all my letters....it was like the Gods of Xmas Letters and Cards....nodded their approval at my efforts....which made me happy.

Tomorrow morning....the mail heads east, west, north...and even a few remain in the south.

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What a blessing it is.....to have met so many lovely and exceptional people....lol.

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My Guitar....Hero?

A Guitar Hero screen shot

I have a special radar......it's tuned to clicks. Clicks from a cursor or clicks from a spacer bar. My subconscious tracks these clicks......when the magic number is hit....an alarm goes off in my head....and my motherly instincts force me ..... to seek out my youngest son......who's either riding a goat, machine gunning someone....or ....most recently.....playing a toy plastic guitar.

"Enough! How LONG have you been in here?"

"I just started." This is his standard answer even though I KNOW and He KNOWS.... he's been plucking away for a couple of hours.

"Isn't there something else you can do? Go outside, take the dogs for a walk? Do your chores? better yet.....read something?"

"As soon as I finish this song."

But songs never end on Guitar Hero ....and it usually takes two attempts to pry him away from the TV.

Video games and the number of hours the menfolks play them.....has always been an issue with me. A couple hours here or there is fine.....but in all honesty....some days if the men didn't need to eat or pee.....I think they'd set up house in the study and never come out.

So......it's safe to say....I'm not a video game fan.

But the conversation I had with my daughter the other day..... left me puzzled.

"That game guitar is going to bond to his fingers soon if he doesn't stop playing."

"But Mom.....he's really good. In fact, he's got an incredible ranking."

"Ranking?"

"Yeah.....you get ranked by the number of points you've earned while playing."

"What's he ranked?"

"Somewhere in the upper 2000's."

"You mean like in the area?"

"No Mom....like in the world."

"How many kids play this game?"

" At least a million."

"And he's one of the top 2000 players in the world?"

"Yeah Mom.....it's like... a big deal."

"Really?"

"Really."

"He could be playing in tournaments."

"Really?"

"Really."

"If he was older, he'd scoop up money in bars."

"That's a pleasant thought."

"Mom....he has talent."

"For clicking plastic keys?"

She left me standing in the kitchen.... pondering..... wondering what exactly constituted a talent....if my son won a tournament or money ....would he be considered talented? And is the hand-eye coordination involved in playing a plastic guitar...a talent?

So I went into the study......sat down and watched him play.

His fingers and his hand were moving so fast.....I was stunned. But what really threw me was his ability....to glance up, smile and say, "Hi Mom" while his fingers flew over the keys.

The songs in this game are complicated rock songs....."Devil went Down to Georgia" types......and if you haven't heard about this video game....the object is to hit the keys and strum your guitar in sync with small circles representing notes....racing by on the TV/game screen..

At the end of one of his songs, my son handed me the guitar and said "Try it." He and his sister then shouted directions while I tried to get the little circles on the screen to erupt....and score.

I only scored 21% of the keys on an easy song....which means I was a severe dud. More practice and different songs.....did'nt increase my score.

So I handed back the guitar and watched him.....amazed. The speed....the agility....the ease.

All day I thought about his playing.... if he was ranked the 2543 best tennis player in the world....I would be very pleased....proud.....but 2543 best guitar hero player?

So I asked him tonight....."Should I be proud of your skills on a plastic guitar?"

"Of course you should be."

"Why?"

"Because it's what you're supposed to do."

So I shrugged my shoulders and said....."Okay" ....and had the feeling he was right.


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Ohhhhhh.....Santa was Good to Me......

Giving my new phone a kiss.

I must have made the NICE LIST for Xmas....cause Santa gave me an iphone.

The elves (otherwise known as the menfolks) warned me the phone would be in Santa's bag. I had a few anxious thoughts about getting the electronic wonder of the year....I'm not exactly a geek.....but ohhhhhhhhh.....I can tell this is the start of a beautiful relationship.

Can you possibly think of a better gift for a maven than her own portable mini computer??? ( Okay smart toy boys were not on the list of possibilities)

And.... bye bye Porkchop (Blackberry) envy....you business types can have your Blackberrys .....I can phone and dance at the same time! Whooo hooo.

Steep learning curve in the next week.... I'll have to brush up on my tapping skills.......but moms are natural tappers....... I've tapped on my kids heads and shoulders forever... tap tap....pick your clothes up.....tap tap.....did you brush your teeth?

Well now its tap...hello text messaging......tap tap....enlarge text. What's hard about this?

The only problem>>>>>so many functions ....makes me wonder......who are these Apple designers? They certainly lead busy lives...and they want to keep me busy too. Last week....I flipped opened my phone and called someone. Today I "woke" up my phone... checked the weather, the time in Casablanca AND watched an old Queen video on UTube. By the time I did all that.....I forgot who I was going to call!

The big disappoint with the iphone....there's no function for laundry or dog walking....perhaps some day the phone will have little legs....and long arms....and pictures to press of dirty clothes, anxious pets and big dustbunnies.

Well I've got to exit my office......My family told me I have only 5 minutes left before.... they storm in here and kidnap me away from the iphone, manual and computer....and they look serious!!

Now.... all of you who are near and dear to me and in my phone address book....send me a pic for my phone....otherwise I'll be forced to bond you with pics of my own choosing....and you know how devious I can be ...lol........(Yes, I was real surprised I made it off the NAUGHTY LIST too)

Blessings on all of you today...whether or not Xmas is part of your family tradition or not......

snuggle up and love each other up....'tis the season.

xxxxme.
~~~~~

A Quiet House....

The house is quiet.

The children....the hub.....everyone is out for awhile.

Today was my last day of work before Xmas. The crowds and the demands are finished for me this holiday season.

Many of the customers were surprisingly mellow today.....last week they were angry when books weren't available ...today... many shrugged and admitted it was "their fault"....for waiting till the last minute.

I spent a lot of time substituting today....finding alternatives for books not available. Sometimes customers' eyes lite up and I knew I scored a hit when I suggested a different book ....other times they looked at me as if I was daffy.

A few regular customers were scattered among the holiday shoppers....people who came in for specifics books that weren't gifts. A beautiful dark- skinned Indian woman cornered me and asked me to recommend books for a broken heart. I started to rattle off titles when she said, "it's for my son, I need a book for a young man."

I was stumped. I realized all the titles were for women. I asked my fellow male booksellers if they could recommend some books. They shook their heads. "Men just hurt till it's over... we don't buy books."

I believe they were right.....there wasn't a "Stoic man's guide to Recovery" ...so I pulled a few books which I found helpful in tough times....a classic positive thinking book, a contemporary Buddhist tome, a popular psychology paperback.

The woman squeezed my hand. "Thank you," she said.....I felt like part pharmacist... part shaman....at that moment...and I was touched by the sincerity in her voice and gesture.

Sometimes you forget the power of words....how they can land at just the right time and in just the right place on someone....and cause a shift ....towards hurt or healing or happiness.

I was reminded of this when...I slipped into my convertible a few hours later....and pulled out a Xmas card from one of my friends at the bookstore. He is an exceptionally cool guy.. "I am glad I have you in my life" he said....and he encouraged me to hurry up and get back to writing and get my ass out into the world again.

They were the right words at the right time....and I laughed and goosed Zoom-Zoom (my car) home.

A part of Christmas is over....the credit card jingle, the rush to stuff, the big crowds....but this part....this wonderful time where you're encouraged to connect to family and friends......is still here.....and as I'm sitting in this quiet house...I look forward to the next few days....when I can think and deal in words....and hope they are right ones at the right time.

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A bit of Cheer from National Geographic...

I'm on National Geographic's email list.

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They usually send me photos of jungles, snow capped mountains, strange frogs.

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Not today.

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Yes....there's a hand in the alligator's mouth.

Here's the official blurb.

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Taiwan Zoo on April 11, 2007.

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Veterinarian Chang Po-yu was reaching through iron bars to remove tranquilizer darts before treating the 440-pound reptile when the inadequately sedated animal bit the vet's forearm off. But for the vet, it wasn't quite a farewell to arm. After seven hours of surgery, doctors successfully reattached the appendage, shown at bottom on a smiling Chang on April 12.

Now those bizarre frogs and scary snakes pics seem comforting in comparison.

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Solstice........

A Gina picture from the Musee D'orsey, Paris

Solstice.

The shortest day in terms of light.....the darkness coming so early .......it's easy to forget that tomorrow.....the days begin to lengthen.....and we move towards spring and regeneration....from this point....from this dark dark day.....the future begins.

I pause every year at this time. It has become my tradition. I think of the hurtful and the hard and the frustrating times I've felt in the past year. I take inventory. I write them down...

I remember that with and in these "dark" events.....the seeds of change and hope are buried.....and if I let go ....if I allow myself to forgive.....and sometimes forget....the seeds will germinate and grow......and my life will move towards some new place, new path....because of what I have experienced.

Perhaps the change will be imperceptible at first....just like the second or two of light that is added to each day.....but at some point....on some day......I will realize.....I am someplace new....

and it will feel like spring.
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From this point, more light each day.

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The Best Thing since the Egg....Google Notebook.

I should request stock options from Google for the free advertising ....but I just discovered a Google product that is so wonderful...so helpful.... it made me wiggle in my chair with delight (something you don't often see unless I'm reading erotic fiction).

Google Notebook.

In essence it's an online notebook program ( you can create multiple notebooks) which allows you to store/write notes and info ....and the best part is... when you're reading something online...you can right click and save it directly to your notebook via a special pop up screen. The article, paragraph....whatever...is saved with a title and addy for reference. So while reading you can.... click ...bam....it's saved.

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I've organized whole sections of my life in the last few days...notes on Africa.....projects I need to work on.....hotel and restuarant reviews...I even have a note book for stupid passwords I've created and then forgot......like my Oprah account password ( hey....it's lonely when you're left out of the herd).

You can access the notebook from any computer.....so you don't have to worry about file sharing....just log into your google account and viola....your organized life awaits you.

Hey I don't list "Maven" on my business card as a joke.....if you're a serious info intaker and outputer.....this is your vehicle to Nirvana....or something close to the big "O"......

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which reminds me of that famous Big O scene with Meg Ryan.........

Please note.....I'm not this loud when I'm sitting at my computer.

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Glowing......and Staring Cats.....the Eyelid Vigil.

I've had bad dreams for the last couple days ever since I saw this picture of glowing cats in the newspaper.

Glowing cats.

Apparently scientists in Korea conducting cloning experiments have manipulated some feline genes to produce a kitty night light.

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Glowing starring cats.

I currently live with a cat, (named CAT), whose spends most of the night (as far as I can tell) staring at me from the comfy confines of my reading chair not far from my bed.

As soon as I open my eyes.... for any reason..... she...MEOWs....which roughly translates into: you have gone to bed, you are awake, it's now time to refresh my food and water bowl.

CAT does not understand your eyes can flutter for many reasons in the night including:

1) you're having a bad dream about cats

2) you need to go to the bathroom

3) you need to see what time it is.

To CAT.....open eyes means the human servants should attend her... even at 3am.

But this human servant does not want to attend to CAT at 3AM or even to hear her pitiful MEOWS.........so I admit....I've tossed socks, small throw pillows, and an occasional book (only paperbacks) towards her... to reset her alarm.

"Not now CAT."

Offended by the rebuff.....she sulks off.....for a while.....but returns.....to continue her eyelid vigil.

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Perhaps if we had mice or cockroaches or something that moved in the house during the night....(our dog is old and not exactly a live wire) she would turn her attention towards other life forms versus me....but apparently my eyelash flutter is all she concentrates on.

Feed and water her the night before? Tried that.....doesn't matter.......the pattern is etched into her little cat brain that no matter what happens the night before....the first thing that must happen in a new day is a food and water check.

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In other words....it's a no win situation.

Some mornings I am so conscious of her waiting Meow.....I keep my eyes closed and pull the covers over my head.....then peer out to see if she's watching me.

MEOW

I've even thought about looking for my son's old toy periscope....then I could face the opposite direction, raise the scope and see if I can open my eyes in peace.....or is she waiting to summon the humans.

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MEOW.

The funny thing is....although she stares at my eyeballs all night.... hub is the first to exit the bed most mornings....so she sits and waits for him outside the bathroom door.....then leads him down the hall (hysterically meowing) to her waiting food and water bowl.

which is usually filled.....

All I can say is..... thank heavens she is not one of those new glowing cats....because now I know she's watching me.....if she glowed....I could even SEE her watching me......... all night long.
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It's Gray....Rainy.....I should be painting......BUT

I admit it......

I watched the whole 7 minutes of this Burger King video.

I don't know what to say.

but click.....here?

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More BK.........................

(Click to Enlarge....)



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When Customer's Bite.....

Amazon.

No not this type.

but.....Amazon.com.

When some people don't have their needs met....they feel obligated to throw a barb at you....to hurt you or make you suffer because you disappointed them.

I see this all the time at the bookstore where I work.... especially now....as the holidays put pressure on folks.

If I don't have the book they want......customers often hiss at me....."Well...I'll just go to Amazon," .......sometimes they'll throw in a scowl or a dramatic lift of the eyebrows to accompany the sentence....other times they turn on their heels and leave in a huff away from the information desk.

I've learned to say nothing in response to the Amazon threat....because if I say anything....whether it's pleasant or catty...it often escalates the situation.

Folks who engage in barb throwing..... often need to have the last word.....so even if I reply with.. "Good Luck" or "Hope you find your book"......they'll have to throw in a big final sentence like...."I'm going to do all my business online from now on" or "I'm never coming back here".... Etc. Etc. Etc.

I love books. I think they can change your life. As a bookseller, I want people to find their books. Most booksellers....feel the same way. When a book is out of stock for our stores, we often refer people to Amazon....."Why don't you try Amazon....they may have a book or two left."

Some folks give me a suspicious look when I say our competitor's name.....thinking I have a secret liaison with the enemy.

I don't....I just want them to find their book. Sincerely ....I do.... A book is not like a pair of socks or underwear.....it's a specific and personal choice....so substituting one book for another is not an equal trade off.

If I go to the store to buy a pair of black Nike socks....I can probably switch to Reebok socks and feel okay about it......If I go into a bookstore wanting the Joy of Sex.....and come out with the Joy of Cooking.....well that's a whole different evening at home isn't it?

Maybe I should take a lesson from those mythical Amazon women.....and walk into work with a breast plate and shield.....might help folks see....they shouldn't attack the messenger....if their book is not available.....but then again it might give some customers additional fodder.....

"I don't have to deal with people in armor at Amazon.com"

No....... you don't.
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A Special Announcement.....

I wish to announce that in 30 minutes (2PM central) time.....I will be cooking a pot of chili from scratch....as a result of being dangerously imprinted with the idea that I can cook....after reading a food blog at 2AM. (Doggybloggey)
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Curiousity seekers, astonished friends and family and well-wishers may drop by to view the event. Cameras are welcome.
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A fresh loaf of Ciabatta bread and danish butter will be available for those who feel faint. Wine is available for the over-stimulated.

One magnificent ....uh.....thigh.

I visited kreativemix's blog the other day.....she said she's secretly dating Beckham.

She posted this pic of him.

This is one of the finest pictures of a man I have ever seen.

What a thigh......

I'd like to date him too........lol....or at least make him stand up and face forward.

Kudos to the incredible photographer.

~~~

Catwoman is right in her comments....the picture needs a song....so for those of you that like a bit a soul.....

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from Salt 'n' Peppa.....What a Man......what a man what a man what a mighty fine man.....

Oh Ho ho....or.....Some of the Customers are Getting Nutty......

I've worked at the bookstore for over 5 years...which means I have at least 5 Xmas retail experiences under my belt.

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I'm ready for grumpy.....I'm ready for nasty......I'm ready for funny and pleasant....but I must say I wasn't ready for this today.

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I was gathering data on the computer screen for a customer order when I noticed this woman who reeked with budding agitation.

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The Gods were good to me..... my customer forget his own zip code and needed to check his driver's license...and my fellow bookseller.........greeted Miss Waiting-to-be-Detonated..... instead of me.

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Kaboom!!!

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She started shouting in what sounded like a blend of a British Cockney accent and a deep Southern Belle/Scarlet O'Hara accent.

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"I found my teenage boys looking at gay porn in the bathroom. I want you to show me your picture books of gay porn. I want you to show me men taking it from behind...right up there..... because I want to see the type of stuff your selling. Show me where it is......I want to see pictures from gay books...take me to these books."

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My fellow bookseller (who should have been awarded a metal right on the spot) calmly explained to the woman we do not sell gay pornography or pornography in the store. We have a gay and lesbian section which was filled with non fiction and fiction titles....and the books were mostly text-content.

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She started shouting again.

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"You sell this stuff I want to see it. We're going to take care of getting this type of stuff out of here. Show me where it is. They were looking at it but I want to see it."

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My customer could barely remember his address and I could barely type it. We pretended to stick to our business but we glanced at each other silently communicating our amazement.

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The bookseller walked her to the gay and lesbian section. I could hear her shouting all the way at the desk. I couldn't figure out what she wanted......if she found her boys looking at gay porn....why was she coming in her to find the magazine...she should have it right? Was this some kind of theatrics? or something real?

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Apparently the bookseller showed her the gay/lesbian section and she wanted to look into some of the books. But....she wouldn't touch the books so the bookseller had to open the books for her. Not satisfied, she pointed to some covers...(men's bodies close together) and shouted we did have pictures!

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She raced down the aisle out the store.....shouting....something to the effect of....we'll get it out of here.....I know where it's at.....there won't be any of this stuff anymore. This is going to come to an end.

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We just watched her leave.

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About 4 years ago, a group of people from several churches near a small town in my state, boycotted a bookstore forcing it to close because it contained a gay and lesbian section. I wondered if she was starting a campaign. Her performance was so outlandish....she was either a nut or someone who had staged this.

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Once in a while, people go into the gay section and rummage around....opening books...sometimes slitting protective plastic covers.....until they find a picture or something else that meets their agenda and then they storm up to us....full of complaints.

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If they hadn't gone looking in the section.....they wouldn't have found this material.....gay books do not jump off the shelf and dive at people exposing their most risque pictures or passages. They sit quietly on the shelf and don't open..... unless opened.

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After a few minutes.....I thought of those teen boys...I could only imagine what rage and hysteria rained on them......

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Strangeness from the Bathroom Newstand.......

The Menfolks in my house need a news stand in the bathroom to perform their bodily functions.

Enter any bathroom in my house (I have three) and you'll find various magazines, books, and newspapers scattered around. The guys seem to function like a stoplight...needing some intermediary time in their comings and goings....whereas I function more like a stop sign....stop and go.

I get quite an education during my pit stops depending on which bathroom I visit. Go to the "boy " bathroom and you'll find a school yearbook on the floor or perhaps an Airline magazine showing the newest fleet of airplanes out of Dubai.

Our master bath....has a lot of wood magazines in it along with books like Northwest Exposures: A Geologic Story of the Northwest (Reading material which makes a quick exit....a blessing).

The other day a wood mag was left open to an article and I couldn't help but notice the above ad.

What is this guy doing?????

He's obviously carved an almost life sized naked woman ....but is there a reason he's holding her around the waist with one hand while his other arm is at a jaunty angle? Looks like they're headed off to a square dance....to do a little hidey ho-ing. Makes you wonder what he looked like while he was sanding and oiling her........

And what's an I'm into Easy t-shirt? Easy what..is the question? Is her name....Easy? Are relationships easier for him with an unreal decapitated woman?? ....I know there's a precedent for men and inanimate women...I mean that is the appeal of a blow-up doll.... right?

Also....would you want to be caught walking down the street wearing a t-shirt that says, "I'm into Easy???" As I woman, that's just asking for trouble......and as a man....well ...I'm sure women hanging around street corners might smile.....especially if you're pants are bulging....with a big wad of bills.

I don't even want to talk about the video implications. I'll leave that for your imagination.

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Oy to the World

I received my first Hannukah card this week. I'm not Jewish but my friend is....and he is funny and thoughtful enough to include me in his holiday celebrations.

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I like that.....I like understanding other people's beliefs and customs. It's one reason I'm so comfortable traveling to exotic places. I believe "answers" and "truth" are incorporated and visible in the way people structure their lives and thoughts....and in essence..... traveling let's you see the answers and the truth from a different slant.

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Being introduced to other belief systems....also allows you to steal some of the best thoughts and spiritual reminders people have developed.

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I've placed my cherished driedel on my card.....I've had it for 8 years....my youngest son brought it home one day....he either bought it, found it, or swiped it from some place. We looked up the Hebrew symbols.....Nes Gadol Hayah Po.... "A great miracle happened here."

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I keep the driedel on my writing desk....hoping someday through.... my writing, my connections, my actions..... to make that statement come true.

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A night to believe in miracles.....we all need a night like this.......

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The Holiday menu and Yes....I still have Left-Overs...

Doggy asked me what sort of "nibbles" were served at le Grand Party.... so here's the menu. The crowd was conservative....an important consideration.

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Champagne with fresh berries and Chambord
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Sun-dried tomato and pesto torta with baguettes and assorted crackers
Warm artichoke dip with garlic toast crostinis
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Fresh fruit with Gran Marneir dip
Crusty french rolls with beef tenderloin and Dijon
Sliced Turkey on cranberry focaccia squares
Mini vegetable cheesecakes
Marinated tart green olive salad with red and yellow peppers and dilled garlic
Fresh chopped tomato and asparagus salad
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assorted red wines....Meritage, Shiraz, Merlot
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Godiva Chocolate cheesecake
Mini Biscotti with Tiramasu dip
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Coffee
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Zinfandel Amador Ice Wine
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The After Glow....

Phew!! The party is over.

I'm so pleased.....no fires....no accidental split pea soup.....no lampshades hurt during the process.

Everyone seemed comfortable and happy.

The house glowed.....the food was interesting..... I made sure glasses were filled.....checked plates....and sent the bachelors home with a mini meal for the next day.

A few folks discovered the joys of the bubbly.....as they experimented with fresh raspberries and a dash of Chambord in their drinks.

Phew.

There is something so intrinsically good about sharing your home....and celebrating....yes?
~~~~~

Conversation before The BIG Party.....

T- Minus 4 hours.....

and here's how the conversation is going between me and hub.

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"Did you know there's a rug on the kitchen table."

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"Yes.....I put it there."

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"On purpose?"

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"Uh huh....it's too beautiful to put on the floor."

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"Then why don't they sell it as a tablecloth?"

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"Because it's a rug...but it's so finely woven ....you really don't want to walk on it."

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"Then they shouldn't call it a rug."

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"If it makes you feel better..... you can walk on the table."

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"Before or after the party?"

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"Don't be snotty."

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"Okay."

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"The dining room table looks really nice."

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"Thanks."

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"The tablecloth sort of matches our bed."

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"Well it's a sheet from our bed set."

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"Have we slept on it?"

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"Oh my god....do you think I would put a sheet we slept on...on the dining room table??????"

.

"Well you spray painted a pillow last year."

.

"I spray painted a pillow because it was a decorative emergency and no one was going to sit on it."

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"Is there anything else I should I know about our decorations?"

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"The big candle holder in the family room is filled with split peas."

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"Really?"

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"Really."

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"Did you run out of candle sand or something?"

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"No.......some of the floral shops in Paris ....used peas and beans.....I thought it looked cool."

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"I better make sure no one spills their drink near there."

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"What?"

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"Heat, peas, water, bowl.....we could have soup on our hands"

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"That's it........I'm going to go take my shower."

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"Don't use my razor.....or ...."

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"Or what?"

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"I'll play my music for the party."

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"Okay okay........I'll wear pants then."

~~~

Never Put Pinecones in Your Microwave and other Helpful Hostess Tips.....

I've morphed from desperate housewife.....into potential dazzling hostess the last couple days.

We're having "The Holiday Party" for my hub's office at our house this year. I scheduled the party early in the season.....so people wouldn't be worn out (and whining) from too much eating and drinking.... and folks might actually enjoy themselves.

I started seriously prepping yesterday....cleaning cleaning.....getting the the industrial strength shop vac out....sucking on the baseboards and pookies settled in corners and behind the furniture.

The men folks were confused by this activity.

"I thought the cleaning ladies were coming before the party."

"They are."

"Why are you cleaning then?"

"To get ready for the cleaning ladies."

Guys just don't get it. You have to prep to be cleaned. You can't have cleaning ladies come to a dirty house or they will spend all their time cleaning...but it’s the wrong type of cleaning....it's cleaning for daily life rather than cleaning for a party....which is a totally separate type of cleaning.

So after scouring the house with my gigantic vacuum looking for offending dust bunnies, spiders, and dog hair......it was time for the fun part......decorating!

Well, I thought it was going to be fun........but....Murphy ’s Law or Santa’s Revenge was at work......because nothing went right.

So I thought I'd share some important hints and tips I’ve learned from my recent mishaps...so if you’re getting ready for your parties.....you might be spared some big time pre-party trouble.

1) Never put old pine cones in a microwave. I like natural decorations....pine cones in a wooden bowl.....cat-tails(as in flora not fauna) in vases.....but if your pine cones are dusty and you wash them......do not dry them in a microwave... ( it seemed like such a logical idea at the time) because you won't have anything to put back in your bowl..... old wet pine cones ...explode....like popcorn kernels. The only positive... a nice piney smell while you're cleaning up the hot sap.

2) Always allow plenty of time for glitches with new creative ideas. So here's the problem....everyone will end up in my kitchen at the party.....right? The standard party clump.

To encourage mingling, I'm spreading out the beverages....wine in the family room, beer off the kitchen and a champagne station in the living room. This also allows folks who are a tad nosey to look around my house...without embarrassment. Trouble with the champagne station......no tablecloth large enough to elegantly drape over the card table....and serve as the bottom for the topper (I believe that line comes from an erotic novel.)

Brilliant idea: use the 2 gazillion thread count cotton flat sheet from the new bed linens. Bad idea: Wash the 2 gazillion thread sheet and put it in the dryer. Know what happens to a pure cotton sheet post dryer?

Wrinkles.....thousands and thousands and thousands of wrinkles.

So....I’m ironing and ironing....20 minutes.....40 minutes.....the sheet is never ending.....and it's still crumpled.

So I channel my feisty Lithuanian grandma (okay not really but I did think about her)....and remembered what she used to do.... drape a towel over her shoulder and have a bowl of water near the ironing board....she’d press the wet towel on the sheet....iron....then viola....linen as smooth as a baby's butt.

Happy to report it works...sad to report it took me an hour and half to make my sheets look like a baby's butt.

The Champagne station....please appreciate the perfect white old linen cloth and the marvelous bed sheet underneath.

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3) Never put silk flowers near your candles. A couple weeks ago I had a writer’s meeting at my house. Folks were chatting. I heard a tinkling sound.

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Damn that cat.... I thought...she probably came downstairs and knocked over something.

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I almost ignored the sound....but decided to see what fell over. Walked into the foyer...and saw flames shooting at least 6 inches above a large glass bowl I had on the stairs.......melted wax was running down the stairs....and a black cloud of smoke was rising.

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I thought of yelling for help....but then remembered the boys’ bathroom was at the top of the stairs. What’s always in my boys’ bathroom???....wet towels and dirty clothes....so I scooped up some of their clothes...dumped it on the fire....smothered the flames and tossed the smoking dripping hunk out my front door into the garden.

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After discreetly plugging in a fan....and covering the hot wax on my stairs with a towel.....I returned to my guests...thinking holy shit.....my decorative accessories nearly started the house on fire.

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Today...I removed all silk flowers from all containers with candles....so we inadvertently don’t turn our house into a Yule log.

And finally......

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4) Always read the tags on your linens. I pulled my good dining room tablecloth out of the dryer this evening...and it shrunk to a size more appropriate for a Little Tikes Toddler Table. I checked the tag...Dry Clean Only....geez who the hell dry cleans their tablecloths?

Well....I have one more new gazillion thread flat sheet....perhaps I'll iron it and see how it looks.

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Everything will be okay ...right?

~~~

Apparently I'm Just You're Basic Free-Spirited SEXY Liberal...Who Can't Sleep....

I try more and more to think in a positive manner....to even accept setbacks and bumps and bruises with the idea that they will bring something else my way.....but damn if someone forgot to tell my subconscious the good news.....for at times...I wake up in the night and find myself problem-solving or reliving some situation or event.

Last night was a doooosey.....I woke up twice.....in full blown mental busyness. I told myself....hey didn't you get the good news on this .....you know one door closes another door opens thing? or hello.....wasn't this resolved like a week ago?

A friend of mine who is a retired psychologist...... told me that he never stays in bed when something like this happens. He gets up and goes someplace else...because he wants his bed to remain a place of peace and restfulness....(I know.... these psychology folks are interesting aren't they?).....so instead of lying there ....I got up and surfed the net...

I was reading a blog when I came across a little dohickey that said take this blog test...and found myself at a site which had about ... 50 "quizzes" ....want to find out how your name would be translated into a Native American language? click here....(by the way my name turned out to be something like bright red flute...lol) want to know if you're a good kisser? if you have a tendency to be a kleptomaniac? well click away and discover....

So I thought I would post a few of my late night results:




Hey this is funny at 3AM....I'm just one hot woman surfing the net...the best in sex....a great flirt...strong...generous....and let me say that again.....the best in sex....suddenly all I could think of was that dumb song....and so I You-Tubed it....to torture myself....and thought I would add it for your enjoyment....now think of me....when you're listening to this......





I took a liberal/conservative test and came out.....an equality/fairness buff ....which I found comforting.

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Social Justice Crusader, also known as a rights activist. You believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.

Take the quiz at http://www.fightconservatives.com/Inside-the-Book/What-Breed-of-Liberal-Are-You.html

And if you enjoy reading this blog....or you've read some of my other blogs....well ...nothing like aiming for the well- educated.....cause a test run of my blog.......showed it to be ....well little more than school yard drivel....



and finally.....why not take a girly test....with questions like....how often do you get a pedicure ....and how many pink things are in your room....and if you absolutely must have girlfriends accompany you shopping>>>

You're 46% Girly.....
You're a very free spirit.
Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.

So I hauled my elementary free-spirited sexy ass to my restful peaceful bed.....and told my subconscious to cool it.....which it did....

because the alarm clock was about to go off....
~~~~~~

Never Ever Sit in This Chair..........

"I have a complaint...... are you the manager?"

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It's 9:06 A.M. and the bookstore I work at on Sundays...has been open a total of 6 minutes. What could possibly go wrong in 6 minutes.
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"No, I'm not the manager....would you like me to call him?"
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The guy...gray-haired and in his early sixties...in khaki pants and crisp ironed plaid shirt smiles a little. Maybe this a joke... maybe I look so cute in my new tight Vera Wang sweater with a nice whallop of cleavage showing this morning.... he wants to throw me off balance... telling me the problem is I'm so gorgeous he can't concentrate on his reading materials.
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"We have a complaint." A gray-haired woman joins him. Okay forget the compliments.......this woman is serious with a capital S. She has a naturally upturned nose and unfortunately has titled her head up so I can stare deeply .....into her nasal canals.
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"I want you to inform the manager there aren't enough upholstered chairs in the store," she says.
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This is a new one for me. I'm not quite sure what to say..... maybe they haven't found our stash of chairs. "We have 4 chairs in the back of the store."
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"Yes....but someone is already sitting in one of them and we want to sit together," she whined. I put on my concerned retail sales face so I won't roll my eyes and grimace at her. She's cradling three notebooks and a bunch of pens in her hand so she's probably planning to use the store as a library ......copy information without buying a thing.
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"There's two chairs by the children's department."
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"We don't like to sit there."
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"There's a row of wooden chairs by the news stand."
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The woman's lips curl upward and the combo of upturned nose and lips creates a frightening snarl.
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"We don't like the wooden chairs, why don't you have more upholstered chairs?" The man chimes in.....since his wife is too busy making faces at me.
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"They're harder to keep clean and get worn out." I'm not sure this is the reason the upholstered seating has declined in our store but it sounds logical and could be true. They squint at me......I have upset them with a grain of truth.
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"That's no excuse...." the guy snaps.
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"Listen....let me tell you about......" but I don't complete my sentence. I smile and count to 5 or maybe 6. "I'll forward your concerns to the store manager."
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"I suggest you do that, " he says with a formality smacking of a BBC character.
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They head off to the unacceptable chairs by the children's department. I check out the chairs by the computer and see one of our regulars has occupied it. An older man....in dirty slacks, greasy glasses, unkempt hair and dirty yellow fingernails. He comes into the store....finds a hardback....takes the dust cover off and drops it to the floor....then reads for hours...occasionally picking his nose or rubbing his hands on his face and then resting it on the arm of the upholstered chair.
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I didn't tell them....but I'm going to tell you.
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Never sit in an upholstered chair in a bookstore...unless you're in a air tight space suit certified by NASA.
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Do you have any idea who sits and wallows in these chairs for hours?
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Here's a list of people:
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Drooling babies.
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Barfing babies.
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Toddlers with sticky hands who spill the contents of their sippy cups all over the chair.
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Old guys who haven't bathed.....and may be greasy and smelly or both.
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Homeless men and women who occasionally sit with us for a spell.
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Young guys in crumpled dirty clothes that haven't seen a laundry in weeks.
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Workmen,who are taking a quick break, with debris (paint, oil, smudges) on their clothes and stains on their hands.
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People (men and women) who curl up in a chair and put their dirty shoes all over the chairs (people tend to sit in all kinds of odd positions after a few hours).
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People who take off their shoes and put their bare feet (which exhibit a wide spectrum of cleanliness) all over the seat and arms.
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People who spill coffee and frappicinos into the chairs as well as drop cake, cookies, pretzels and our new egg sandwiches onto the fabric.
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People who use the fabric as napkins because they don't want to wander back to cafe and get one.
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People who sneeze and cough without covering their mouths and nose.
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Groups of people...all trying to fit into one chair....to kiss, snuggle, drop food, and paw the fabric during intensely intimate conversations.
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I don't even want to think of the kids who may have lice.... or staph infections....or conjunctivities.....yes....let's not go there.
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My advice....steer away from fabric and head for those nice wooden chairs scattered through out most stores.......they may not be as comfortable.....but there's a lot less human residue on them.
~~~~

Men and the "F" word.............

Perhaps it was the paint fumes....or too much orange-scented furniture cleaner.....but the other day I bent over and whispered the "F" word into my husband's ear.

His eyes widened. He looked startled.

"Did you say what I think you said?"

"Yes..."

"Really?"

"Uh huh..."

Why bother with a Xmas tree when you can make a man's eyes light up with a single word.

I was so thrilled with his reaction.....I wasn't very careful.....and said the "F" word again to him....not realizing my youngest son was in the room.

My son's eyes grew wide when it sunk in what I had said.

"I never thought I'd hear you say that word."

Caught. Embarrassed. What could I say?

In minutes my oldest son appears in the kitchen. "Tom told me what you said."

My sons are now staring at me....I'm squirming.....my hub is delighted.

"Say it again." My boys plead in unison.

"No, I will not."

"Thrill us and say it again," my hub says.

Trapped. Temper rising. I give up.

"Okay okay........Flatscreen."

"I think we should get a Flatscreen for the family room."

Men....Geez.
~~~~~

A Time of Change......

I've poured a glass of champagne....shut the study room door....and put African Kora music on...which is sweet and soothing.

10:00 Pm...the day before Thanksgiving.

For the last 10-12 years.....I would be..... at this time....curled up in a chair in my parent's family room in Chicago....reading The Trib or the Sun Times newspapers......while my hub looked over dinner ingredients for the next day.....and my children and parents watched TV together.....my mother sneaking the kids chocolates and treats and dollar bills......which I pretended not to see.

We planned to go to Chicago this year as usual....but our children are on the threshold between life with us and life on their own.....and earlier this month we realized we could not gather everyone for the trip.

There is something startling and sad and wonderful in such a life change.

My children....my children.....are all beginning to step into their own young adult lives.

My daughter will start working with autistic children and begin scouting for grad schools in psychology. She will cook her first solo Thanksgiving dinner with her boyfriend. (God help him....and keep his love strong for she inherited my lack of cooking skills.)

My son, who struggles with speech and language and a handful of other disabilities....drove 2 miles from our house on his own ...and interviewed for a new job ....which accepted him. On the way home....he stopped and bought a Subway sandwich, chips, soda and a cookie......and took 20.00 of his own money out of an ATM...... so to the school officials....who told us he was retarded and severely limited in his ability to function in society....I salute you.... your god damn ignorance and arrogance made us fight even harder.

And finally....Our baby, the red headed 6'2"..... wheeler/dealer and con man.......received an excellent ACT score (at least... I hope it's his score ...) and asked if I could help him with his college applications this weekend.........after.... of course..... he's finishes getting to a new level on Guitar Hero.

You prepare and work on their education, their socialization, their readiness to assume their own lives......and one day..... they are there......

but I didn't think it would be this year......

~~~~~

Life with a cat

For those of you who have a cat...........

This Blog Entry is for Chicks Only.......

Okay....this is a special blog....for ladies only......so if you're sporting a XY in your chromosomes....best shoo.....this ain't gonna interest you.
~~~

I have a stunning antique armoire, a gorgeous wardrobe with large oval mirrors and carved wood ornamental designs.....I only store two things in here....my best lingerie and a few formal dresses. I store the dresses in garment bags to keep the dust off. While tidying up the interior, I realized I hadn't opened one garment bag in ages....what was in there?

I unzipped it, gasped, and stood back in horror.

OMG>> could I have actually bought these dresses?

The sad truth is ladies....I did....in California.....10 or more years ago. The only good thing I can say is....I have never ever worn them since I moved out of the sunshine state....do you think UV rays plus wine can damage some part of your brain so these might be considered stylish purchases?

I'm speechless.
It even has ....ruffles.

Like my grandmother's curtains.

I think "Monet" when I look at it.......except I'm sure he would have poked his paintbrush through his eye rather than be memorialized in this way.

It gets worse.

I must have been a flapper in a previous life. Why else would I buy a dress that looks like something from a movie in the '20's only in color?

I am typing this sentence in horror ....but I believe I wore this to a formal dinner party in California. I know ....it makes me shiver too.

Trouble is I have a vague memory of men complimenting me in my flapper dress.....it has deep cleavage.....I don't think they noticed anything beyond "the line."


I bitch about the South.....but sisters......the beautiful southern women here know how to dress.....this is what I buy now....black and clingy ..... but still with deep cleavage (an asset is an asset.)

There is a happy ending to this wardrobe nightmare.

I don't buy things like this anymore....and perhaps somewhere in this town....there is an ex-Californian who is sad-hearted because all she can find to wear is the ubiquitous little black dress.....can you imagine her "hallelujah" moment when she sees these and at thirft store prices?
~~~~~

What's Under my Bed.............

I felt like an archeologist discovering an ancient historical site when I lifted the bed ruffle and peered under my bed.

Yikes....how long has it been since I cleaned under or moved the bed? Obviously a long long time....which for a minute made me feel bad ....since it was a sign I am not a domestic diva....but I reminded myself this is exactly why I was playing Desperate Housewife till the first of the year.

I gathered my courage, swallowed my pride and called up the men folks.

"Let's move the bed." They looked frightened........"Come on ... be brave.....1....2....3....."

Wow....what emerged was like a snapshot of the ten years we have been living in the house.

Here's a few a things I found:

Sweet art work from my children.

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Ohhh these are precious...chalk drawings from all three children. What a wonderful find...and I won't even think about the fact that my daughter who drew the butterfly just graduated from college which means this art has been under my bed for how long? Oh my.

His and Her Books

Honest....this is the number of books found under and within three feet of the bed. The taller pile are my books.....the shorter pile are his books. Our books rarely mingle....he reads natural history, science and historical books......I'm so ecclectic it's frightening. Here's a few of my books....Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice, The Stories of John Cheever, Amphibians and Reptiles of my home state, a book I bought in Singapore about Lady Raffles, 6 erotica books, two chick lits, a couple of novels....and one book on the Art of Japonese Erotic Bondage.

(OH my gosh Krista.....do you remember how we were going to co-author a short story about a woman who tells her husband to buy a little rope for a little bondage play in the bedroom and he misunderstands what she wants and buys a 100 yards of rope from Home Depot and she tries to figure out what to do with all that rope without hurting his feelings....after you finish your dissertation we gotta do it.... LOLLLOOL>>>)
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Panties...lots and lots of panties

Apparently....I'm a pantie flipper....from sexy thongs to grannys....I'm obviously prone to tossing my underwear. I never realized how often I flip.....this has been quite a revelation....I wonder if I should wear a belt to bed....to keep my underwear secured. (Note I only found one bra)

Fireworks

Holy shit we could have blown up the house........I found a whole box of stuff (and more than just sparklers).....obviously they were hidden under the bed so the kids wouldn't find them....but I'm thinking wow...I've been sleeping above enough explosives to wipe out the need for me to ever be a Desperate Housewife.... cause there would be no house to worry about.

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50 year old flamingoes.

My dad gave me these cement flamingoes just before we moved here. He bought them in Florida about 50 years ago. I believe one of them has the original paint....and the other one my dad "touched " up......They were outside on my deck but I was so worried they would deteriorate.... I must have stashed them under the bed. I'd like to reinsert their metal iron rod legs...and see if there is a way I can stand up in the house. (Picture hub rolling his eyes and signing at this announcement)

Other things found but not photographed>>>>

one petrified hairball from the cat.

socks

Halloween candy I hid to save for the trick or treaters .....like 4 years ago.

18 pens and pencils

7 notebooks

a toy (not for children)

one of my wedding pictures

8 unused picture frames

a poster of a squirrel

a really really really bad oil painting bought at one of those famous artist shows at a local hotel

a poster of Yosemite National Park

13 barrettes

and one of the best things was a handwritten note from my son on notebook paper..... this is exactly how it reads:

I (Tom) am home sick today I was thowing up This morning. I just thought I let you know

~~~~

What Every Girl (from certain old neighborhoods in Chicago) has in her Bedroom......

Me, Temporary Desperate Housewife, started cleaning the Master Bedroom last night.

Here's the conversation I had with hub after we moved the blanket chest at the foot of the bed.

"There's a baseball bat under the chest."

"Gee, I forgot all about it."

"Boys put it there?"

"No, I did."

"You did?"

"Yes."

"Are you planning to beat someone up?"
.

"No, but you never know."

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"We have a burglar alarm and two dogs."

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"I know but.........."

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"If someone breaks into the house, you're going to get out of bed, find the bat and go swinging after them?"

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"I remember my parents had a baseball bat under their bed when I was a kid... and my dad still has a mini bat under his car seat."

.

"Yeah, You're like Eastern European Sopranos."

.

"Well.... what if there is a fire?"

.

"You're going to hit the fireman?"

.

"No we could break a window and get out."

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"We could also slide open the patio door and walk onto the deck."

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Desperate Housewife picks bat up.

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Husband leaves.

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Bat is dusted and polished.

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Everyone knows.....a smart woman always has a bat near her side of the bed....just in case.

~~~

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