Intuition?
Sixth Sense?
Fate?
My father's spirit?
I don't know what to call it or what it was.
All I know is what I felt and what happened.
Tuesday was the anniversary of my father's death.
Monday night I went to sleep on the living room couch in my parent's home in Chicago. I had driven up there to supervise some electrical work which might seal the deal on the sale of their home.
I tossed and turned....I woke up a hundred times....knowing
I had to do something....eventually sensing I had to go to my grandparent's cemetery to check something. But why?
After my parent's died, I wanted to visit the cemetery to take pictures of the gravestones and gather information because I plan to research my family history in the future. I knew I wouldn't be making frequent trips to Chicago after I sold my parent's house ,but I felt no urgency towards the visit....it was just something to be done ....until Monday night.
I awoke Tuesday morning....puffy eyed and tired but the sense....almost the physical sense of being pushed to go there....increased.
I planned to return a dress I bought online to a store and do a little shopping before the electrician arrived. I drove quite a distance to the store.....returned the item....but couldn't stay an extra minute....in that store. The sense, the urgency to go to the cemetery kept tugging at me.
I tried to be logical....I'm sure I feel this tug....because...it's the anniversary of my father's death.....and although he is not buried yet.....perhaps in my psyche I just needed to connect to my family....to my grandparents and some of the relatives. Surely this is why I'm feeling this push.
So I drove to the cemetery. It's been years since I've been there.. I went to the office to get lot information.
I pulled up the information for my grandparents, the burial site of the "babies", my grandmother's stillborn children, and then I pulled up Mike's burial information. The family rumor was that Mike was not only my grandparent's best friend but also my dad's true father.
I wanted to go Mike's grave site first....but I felt it was disrespectful....why visit "Uncle Mike's" grave first....who was not related to us...over my grandparents?
So I wandered through the cemetery and found them....my grandparents....the still born babies.
The sky was crystal blue and it was cold and windy but sunny. So windy I literally did feel pushed around.
While I walked around...trying to find their plots....I marveled at all the lavish, decorative monuments. I liked that in this cemetery (versus the cemetery my maternal ancestors are buried at) people could plant small bushes and plants next to the monuments. It made things green and messy...hostas...tulips... bushes...... all brushed...and covered...and swamped the stones...but it also made it feel personal.
The non-uniform plantings, the overgrown bushes, and the freedom given to families to choose ornate or simple or tall or stout monuments...made the cemetery feel comfortable...non-rigid...approachable. I found myself smiling....I liked the natural feel...I thought my father would like it here too.
But my plans were to bury both my mother and father in my mom's lot in the other cemetery....the one with the manicured lawns...and a thousand restrictions on what you could or could not place near the mandated flat marker stones. Besides...my parents had been married over 60 years...I couldn't separate them.
But I disliked how they treated my request to have my father buried with my mother.....even though it only means the cremation box to hold their ashes would be slightly larger.....they made me feel like my father was an alien. I had to get permission from my living relatives to "allow" my father's remains to be placed with my mother....as if somehow being her husband for 60 years wasn't enough. Technically, if a relative objected...they both could not be buried in the plot. The headstone would also have my father's name listed underneath instead of next to my mother's. The cemetery personel made me feel as if my father was some parasite that was being attached to my mom...instead of her devoted husband.
Because the cemetery
personnel made me so uncomfortable.........because they were so annoyed at my questions....I couldn't face burying my parent's ashes yet. Something stopped me....I couldn't proceed with the arrangements....I didn't know why....but it felt wrong/disagreeable.
But I also felt guilty.....surely a year after their deaths I should make arrangements.....what was wrong with me?
I finally decided it was time to visit Uncle Mike's grave. I sensed he was what I was here for ....but part of me fought how illogical this thought was. Why would I feel pushed to visit Uncle Mike over my grandparents?
I saw his reddish colored granite
monument in the distance. Walked to it and froze.
Mike and his brother were buried there....and there was a third empty space.
I started crying. I knew ....I knew ...somehow this was for my father....but how could it be?
No one ever mentioned this....my father....my mother...my mother's best friend who knew all our family business....no papers....no records ...no information...no directions/instructions from anyone.
I went back to the office ....I tried to control my sobs. How would I ask the secretary about the empty grave site ? Both Mike and his brother were bachelors.....they had no descendants in the Chicago area. Who was it for?
A lie.
"My father died and he told me there was a plot for him next to Mike X."
"Names again please?"
"Yes, Mike indicated the plot is for his nephew, Peter."
I cried. My body shook. The secretary stuffed my hand with kleenex. I turned away from her.
I knew this was why I was here.
My father is not Mike's nephew.... my father is probably Mike's son.
You don't buy a plot for your nephew....especially if your nephew is married and most likely would make other arrangements to be next to his wife. My father could be buried in many places....Mike hoped he would be buried next to him.
I left the building and stood in the grass close to where I parked the car. I let the wind blow me around for a while. The icy blue sky and sun gave such a sense of clarity to the day....it made you feel there were no
ifs and buts in the universe.... only yes and no.
I had found yes.
My body relaxed....peace wrapped around me.
Whatever it was that pushed me in my dreams ...that pushed me all day to come here....was now satisfied.
I had discovered what needed to be found.
I will bury my father's ashes next to Mike. Dad will not be an alien or parasite....he will take his place among the menfolks of Mike's family. My father will have his dignity. My father will have his place. Whether or not they are truly father and son...I may never know...and maybe they didn't know for sure either....but somehow they felt it might be
I will also blend my father's ashes with my mother and bury them together at the other cemetery.
My mother hated being alone....I will make sure they are together. My father and mother would have wanted that too.
My father moved from his childhood neighborhood to live with my mother's relatives when they married....so too now....the circle will be complete.....and he will be with them again.
But he will have his own spot too....and I will transplant some of the
hostas he gave me... which are lush and thick in my yard to his monument....and I will plant daffodils...his favorite spring flower. He loved to garden...he loved his hostas.
Everything is in it's place now.
