Sunday, March 30, 2008
I have two teen boys that share the same family cell phone plan with me.
I've failed at controlling text messaging. I've tried.....upgrading now and then to more and more messages per month....but it's never enough.
Finally, I received an astronomical bill for the extra text messages.....and it was either kick them out of the house or upgrade to unlimited text messaging.
Since they're sometimes cute and appear to have some of my DNA....I chose the upgrade.
Nothing changed for them....thier thumbs and fingers keep flying.
I noticed, however, I'm texting more.
For example, I was pulling out of the driveway ....something blocked the garage door sensor ....instead of getting out of the car and moving the offending item.....I texted one of my sons who was in the house.....
close the garage door 4 me
Friday night.....I startled myself.
I woke up...looked at the clock ....its 12:45 AM....son #2 should be home by now. I grabbed my phone (its also my alarm clock) and start texting.
r u home yet?
where r u?
playing video games?
no i'm in bed
are you sure?
come down and see
i'm in bed
so am i
cat ran down hallway
ok believe u now
But tonight....I know I crossed a threshold.
I was sitting in my daughter's bedroom reading....the cat and I curled up....and cozy. My sons were directly below me...one floor down. I texted each one.
have dogs been out?
Okay I thought.......someone has taken them out.....then it hit me....OMG....I'm sitting in my house texting my sons who are in the same house one floor below me....this is crazy.....this is nuts.......
but in a weird way....its kind of fun....and useful??
well I guess on my life's resume.....I can now add.....Became a Text Slut/ 2008.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Not that I'm such a gambler....I believe I can count the number of casinos I've been in...on one set of fingers on one hand.
I had driven a couple hours and crossed a state line to visit my friend. She's staying at her mother-in-laws right now....renovating and cleaning. It was a great opportunity to see her (she currently lives up north) and of course talk paint and decorating.....after owning 5 homes....let's just say I know masking tape.
Immediately after crossing the state line, I noticed a small busy Indian casino. At 10:30 am...the parking lot was full. I live in a non-gambling southern state....so cross the state line at certain points...and you'll often find casinos waiting for the deprived folks of my area.
After a sweet visit...which included agonizing over paint swatches....we hit the casino. Gaming has certainly evolved....the first time I passed through Vegas after college.....there were actually one-armed slot machines. Now everything is electronic and much more complicated.
The first thing we did when we entered the place.....was head for the cashier to get change. We were each packing a hot 10 dollar bill....our limit for the big experience. The young woman looked at us and laughed. "You mustn't be from around here....you don't need change.....you just stick dollar bills in the machine."
She dutifully doled out a precious set of 10 singles.
Then we walked around trying to feel machine karma and play within our price limits ( which meant no dollar or 25 cent slots).
Elizabeth Taylor was out of order. Star Trek looked scary. We both agreed that Lucky Fish was emitting lots of good vibes..... but a severe gray haired woman was sitting in front of the machine with her leg draped across the next stool.... a sign she was playing both machines and don't you even think of getting your fingers near her fish.
We opted for Leprechauns....saloons, gold miners and burros....Red gems.....and a Halloweenie type slot machine....where a laughing pumpkin occasionally appeared to mock you...... I actually did fairly well on this machine....winning a total of .05......(yes a nickel beyond my original investment.)
I admit to laughing a lot during this whole experience. I had no clue how to read or figure out most of the machines....there were lots of buttons...for how many lines to play and how many coins to play each line.... even a penny slot machine could cost you the enormous sum of 25 cents to spin. So when a machine told me I won 25 thingies for some weird criss cross pattern of shamrocks....or 5 saloon women.... or even took a free spin for me ...it was pretty damn funny.
Casinos must have McDonalized....because this one looked pretty much like the last one I visited: dark, no clocks, floral rug, buffet restaurant, waitresses clad in black miniskirts and tops, and apparently someone has cloned the clientele.
Krista and I were like babies in there....I believe the average age hovered around 70. A high percentage of the folks smoked which made me wonder about co-addiction. A handful of motorized wheelchairs scooted around with folks ....and several people....had oxygen masks. One man was even wheeling his own oxygen tank. Nurse Gina thought.....tank of oxygen and low flowing gas....next to cigarette smokers/and cigarettes.....isn't anyone concerned about this?
I believe we spent a whole hour in there.....which was just about the right amount of time. They had a little cafe near the exit...with a rubber Marilyn Monroe.....I decided to chat her up for a minute because I felt sorry for her....I think the place is patronized by regulars.....so nobody was impressed with her anymore.
It took great courage but Krista and I passed on the gift shop....and our refrigerators will now lack an Indian casino magnet for the rest of their mechanical lives.
I'm hoping to see Krista one more time before she heads back north.....I told her we should visit the place one more time.....I know those damn Lucky fish are calling our name....and I think I hear them whispering "jackpot" to me ....
or was that " jackass"?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Ever since I saw the first video clip of them walking on the beach in Holland....I’ve had this strange feeling... that perhaps things are exactly the way I believe or want to believe.
Theo Jansen is a Dutch Leonardo da Vinci- a scientist, sculptor, inventor, computer programmer and creator of still life. Several years ago he dreamed of creatures...wind powered animals...that could roam the beaches in herds, evolve and eventually breach land.
Starting with the simplest of elements, plastic electrical tubing, bags, soda bottles for air collection.....he designed creatures who walk on their own, pause in the wind....and most recently “learned” to throw down a small anchor against fierce ocean winds.
He studies the herd and culls out the promising ones, the ones that show speed, agility, some new feature that sustain their survivability. He re-energizes the herd with the best adaptations. He gives them pseudo-scientific names which pokes fun at our own species lexicon....and now he is creating slow moving gigantic beasts to lumber on land...which look frighteningly similar to dinosaurs.
He laments they do not have brains yet....and therefore can’t be left alone for long periods of time...which means about...ten minutes. But he hopes by dreaming...and allowing his imagination to be free of controls, he can problem-solve the obvious need for intelligence and how to artificially create it.
I’ve heard of theories...which suggest that we may be living in a jelly bean...surrounded by other jelly beans. In other words, we live in a finite encapsulated universe...surrounded by other finite encapsulated universes....sort of like jelly beans resting in a bowl.
I can’t help but think when I watch Jansen’s creatures of some genius in our universe or another who tinkered with the organic elements of the solar system...and designed life...a whole programmable system...that starts with a very basic combination and slowly grows into complexity...a genius or perhaps even a process.. who hitched these seeds to comets and meteors and spread them throughout our jelly bean...and maybe into other jelly beans...or vice versa.
There is something familiar and disturbing about strandbeestens....art that whispers...a secret... or hints that reality is not quite the way you believe....akin to the older kid who whispered into your ear that Santa Claus wasn’t real....there was another explanation for why presents suddenly appeared.
A BMW commercial featuring Jansen and his beasts...short but amazing.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
When I was a kid in Chicago.... you could buy lamb cakes at most of the Polish and Lithuanian bakeries near my house.
After I moved away from the old neighborhood, I rarely saw this type of Easter cake.....but I did find a cast iron....lamb mold....and every year hub throws out a lamb....often with disastrous results...an ear falls off...maybe two...a nose is crooked...a cheek is hollow and must be filled with extra frosting.....the eyes are usually problematic...and often look shifty..... which isn't very becoming on a lamb.
This year in honor of our dog Mattie....who has naturally wayward eyes....we created an occularly challenged lamb.....for this beautiful spring Sunday.
If Easter is in your family repetoire....hope you had a great day.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
All this lovely sunshine and blue skies and raw nature totally paralyzed my vacation plans. I should have reserved my flight to Long Island?NY today for my June vacation.....because I'm using my frequent flyer miles and the times and days available are awful already. But instead, I announced to the men folks that I was considering driving to New York in my convertible....so I could have it on the island and drive along the Ocean and Sound roads with the top down and the music blaring.
Let me count the ways they murmured over and over what a bad idea this was.....the small matter of 1200 miles.... at least 2.5 days of driving one way.....the reality of bad weather.....the fact that we would still have to rent a car because my convertible is a two-seater and the family won't fit....plus groceries....plus luggage.....etc etc etc. Bless them they are so logical...but this is a matter of the heart and spirit.....not the cerebrum.
(this is my car riding in the belly of an airplane)
If only American Airlines would allow me take her on board.....stash her in the belly of the plane...she isn't that big....and I would pay all of my precious miles for the chance to feel that ocean wind kissing my cheeks. I know I know....I could rent a convertible but I checked and Lagaurdia doesn't handle them....besides it wouldn't be the same....riding in an imposter Gina car.
So the men folks are encouraging me to come to my senses....be logical now......and I guess....if I want the ocean wind to kiss my cheeks..... I could use my extra days there to go to the nude beach.....but I would be happier in my car....hair flying....cheesy songs blaring....and going zoom zoom.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Later this evening...I was sipping champagne.....watching Saturday Night Live...when they did some joke centered around Friday.....March 14th.....
OMG......... I laughed....today is March 15th....March 15th...the Ides of March....which if you remember from lit class was immortalized by Shakespeare because it was the day the senators did Caesar in......and hence the phrase....Beware the Ides of March.
Okay so Caesar was supposedly killed that day........Why is the Ides of March really important.....cause I streaked naked across my college campus on the Ides of March with a couple of others girls.....on a cold windy evening in Omaha....which trust me made for a quick run......
I remember there were a few guys along the side walks ....encouraging us along ("run faster?")....but I realize NOW.... they weren't worried we'd catch a cold.........
they wanted us to run faster because certain anatomical parts would dramatically move up and down.....duh....how many years did it take me to figure that one out?????
So....I said to my hub....I should run again....of course ...he thought I was joking....
Which of course made me even more determined to carry out my......... run au natural....
Besides the boys weren't home....and I live on a sleepy street ...who would be up this late looking out their window??
So off I dashed...down the deck......
By the time I came inside......I was laughing sooooooooo hard.....I couldn't put my clothes back on......
So remember lads and lassies .....when you end up buying fertilzer, doing taxes and painting over the weekend......ye can make your pathetic day fun......with a bit o'bubbly and a desire to take your undies off......and run.......
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I've averted my eyes from this part of the calender for so long that when this morning arrived and I placed the bag o'receipts on my desk...I felt faint.
I wasn't sure I could dive right in....maybe it had something to do with my filing system....which I admit is creative.
So I checked my email for a diversion....and found a nice one.....an email from a friend with one of those...."have you seen this?"titles in the subject headings.
Apparently when she was in her 40's....she decided corseting would be an interesting diversion and...so she started wearing them in progressively smaller sizes....23 hours a day....(she takes it off for one hour to shower)...until after 25 years or so....she has dwindled down to a 15 inch waist. Her husband helps her lace up every day......and is quite proud of her.....he's an orthopedic surgeon and someone who's frontal lobe you would presume would beginning alarming at what was happening to his wife.
She's had xrays taken and apparently nothing is broken although her stomach had two choices ...drift upwards into her lungs or down into her belly....it appears to have headed south since in this picture and a few others I checked out on the web....her abdomen has a strange looking bloat to it.
There was actually a Utube interview done by some British TV folks with her.... but I thought I would be kind and spare you the post ....she seemed dull...and quite frankly dazed....of course...if I was walking around in a stiff corset for a quarter of a century....I'm not sure what my thought process would be either.
Wanting to waste a bit more time....I goggled the LGM club she mentioned....and their links....oops....
this gentleman was proud to show off his fine waist ...which was also a product of years of corset wearing.....of course further down in his blog....he describes how his Mistress canes him when he's lazy about his training...and how happy he is to receive his punishment....and ....oh ho....this is getting a bit too kinky for 8am.....
A few hits to the other links....and things were getting progressively "whippy"...."leathery"....and black....and not just in color......
I guess this week....its either sex or taxes...and at this point.....well......receipts sound a bit soothing.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Many papers, including the New York Times, were allowing readers to comment on Gov. Spitzer's situation in NY.
There were a few amusing emails....mostly wondering why the governor, a smart and attractive man, didn't get a mistress...a legal playmate....since in all likelihood she wouldn't have charged $2000.00/hr for her services...although one reader did concede presents to women could add up.
Other people suggested he should have found a lover, based on the assumption that a woman who might have feelings for him....would be happy to be with him....and wouldn't charge him at all...in essence.....a "freebie."
A rare few even sympathized with his choice for a prostitute....assuming he might have chosen this route...to stay emotionally uninvolved with the woman...and therefore "faithful" to his wife.
If you took out the political emails......you were left with a lot of emails...spewing....comments about the man...and his wife.....which were not based on facts.
Unless a person had intimate knowledge of this couple...their marriage.... their sexual life together....you have no idea what factors were involved in this situation....and the spectrum is wide.....ranging anywhere from a sexless marriage to Spitzer just being an arrogant asshole.
So I found it odd....that these strangers....from all over the country could pinpoint the exact problem..."she's frigid.....he's oversexed......she didn't give him enough attention...he's kinky."
What's on the surface isn't always a reflection of what's below.
This lesson was burned into me a few years ago....when I attended a writing conference in Maryland. It was a cut-throat conference because of the intensity of the critique sessions....and everyone was grateful to attend a midweek cocktail party for a few hours of relief.
I started talking to a couple from Virginia. He was attending the conference and his wife was staying in a hotel nearby...shopping and visiting relatives. I'm a very visual person...and could not keep my eyes off the woman because she was so drop-dead gorgeous/perfect. Shoulder length blond hair...a stunning soft sleeve-less green wrap dress...sophisticated....tall/thin....killer high heels... obviously smart and articulate. We chatted about a hundred topics and then the woman excused herself to go to the restroom.
When she left, I said to the man....."My god...she's a beautiful woman."
My eyes turned into saucers.......the OH NO look....you have told me......a stranger...something wayyyyy too intimate.
I didn't know what to say....I just looked at him....and he looked squarely back into my eyes....and shot a gazillion pounds of personal pain into me....I almost swooned under the weight of it.
Then he blinked....and I blinked....we broke the connection.... and she rejoined us. Her hair perfectly in place.....her lipstick fresh.....they smiled at each other.... the conversation continued.
Even today....if I could show you my soul....I could point to the place where his pain marked me.
I'm not implying Mrs. Spitzer is anything like this woman.....oh no ...not at all.....I only wish to remind folks that most people don't wear their lives on their sleeves.....and to emphatically state we know the intimacies of a man, his life...his family......is not the stuff of true grownups.
I know.....I know........Ann Coulter could make mincemeat of me....lol....compassion is not cool.
For the record...I do believe he should have resigned. He broke the law...engaged in illegal activities......and he has prosecuted other people for the same activity....it's a no brainer.
Monday, March 10, 2008
To pass time, I started clicking around Walgreen’s website..... I noticed they had a “Sexual Health” tab. I clicked it....and a page came up with three items: a foam wedge for comfortable positioning, a box of colorful condoms and........a “ Fascinator Shag Throe.”
A fascinator is one of those frou frou things....feathers...bows etc that brides or female party goers put in their hair.
And throe....usually means an agonizing struggle....as in the throes of childbirth.....
So Walgreen’s was selling a shag item to put on your head to create a spasm of pain???
When did they go BDSM?????
Looking at the item didn’t help...it looked like a sleeping bag?
I enlarged the pic and looked for the description.
"The Fascinator Throe is a portable, slip-sliding surface that shields sheets, comforters, quilts and furniture from stains. Feels like fur on one side, satin on the other with a water barrier in-between. Toss it on top of sheets, sofas and fancy home furnishings that you want to shield. "
A “slip-sliding” waterproof surface.
I immediately thought of those banana yellow strips of plastic you place on the grass and attach the hose to.....and the kids slip-slide on them......and go weee....apparently you're supposed to go weeee on this too....except it's a 5x6 square of fuzzyy/satiny material.
And it’s not cheap......$85.00.....(although it arrives in a “non-descriptive” box...which is a good thing because I would hate to have postal employees ponder the merits of delivering a fascinator throe to someone.)
There was even a review from...Bertha the Buxom who describes herself as quality and value oriented person:
By Bertha the Buxom from Granbury, Texas on 10/25/2007
Functional, Prolongs Performance, Heightens Stimulation, Mutually Satisfying, Feels good
Intimate Settings, Setting The Mood
Quality Oriented, Value Oriented
Yes, I would recommend this to a friend
Wow just throw the sucker down on the surface you intend to get down and dirty on and ride that cowboy all the way to town
By the time the pharmacy tech answered the phone....I was completely lost in thought.
Cowboys...water slides....and Bertha were all jumbled in my imagination.
“Can I help you?,” she said again ...obviously irritated.
I snapped back to reality and asked for the medication.
Truly...there was a part of me that wanted to ask.....
“Do you think you need an $85.00 Fascinator Throe to have sex on a couch?”
I didn’t ask.....I have to live in this town....
but let’s just say ....I have a stack of old soft blankets in my closet that aren’t going to Good Will.....
Really I don't make these things up....Walgreens Sexual Health Site.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
I slit one envelope open and saw a pinky-purple sheet inside....most bills aren't pink. I pulled it out and spread it open..... there was Jesus on a paper rug complete with drawn fringe. The image confused me....since my trip to Africa....I associate prayer rugs with Islam....but here He was ...with eyes closed and topped by a crown of thorns....in the middle of a Persian-type rug.
The inscription at the bottom of the "rug" reads: Look into Jesus' Eyes....they're closed...when his eyes open and look into yours...kneel on this rug...then please check your needs on our letter to you....and return the rug....do not keep it.
What? This is spooky. I stared at his eyes....you can see it's one of those optical illusions...you look at it one way and you see the eyes...you look at it the other way...and the eyes are closed.
I didn't kneel on the paper.....but I did check out which "needs" eyes-wide open Jesus could help me with. Here's part of the needs list:
I want help with:
Now if I would mail back my needs....and my used kneeled-on prayer rug.......I could....open a sealed piece of paper with secret prophecies......about my future......
Did we forget something here? Why of course....a little seed money....just a little donation ....for more rugs to be printed and goods works to continue....how can you say no to such nice people....especially since they were going to ask Jesus to send you all that cash.
The letter ends with a few testimonials.....a lady got a mysterious check for $46,000 ...another man had a claim settle for thousands of dollars.....Jesus is on a roll......so hurry and get in line and join the blessings.
Curious....I did check out St. Matthews and the prayer rug online. Lots of stuff....appears St. Matthews is a post office box in Tulsa (sans church) and a Rev. Ewing who owns the operation has pulled in millions. If I understand correctly....it's not illegal to ask for donations.....and people donate.
In fact.....on one website.....it claimed the "ministry" targets the most vulnerable type of people those:
"hardcore true believers who are poor, uneducated and most vulnerable to promises of financial awards"
Okay......how did I get on this mailing list??????
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
My son....a senior in high school....but still wanting to be the first one to make tracks in the snow.
Damn....I just put the pillows out on the lawn furnture.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Stop if you feel pain or faint
This was on an exercise bike .....I passed by......okay...I don't know about you....but personally....if I faint....I sort of go ....limp......but I guess there are people in the world who'd faint and keep on pedaling????