tough peasant stock

I walked into my parent's room a few days ago and found my mother slumped in her chair. Her head hung down....saliva dripped from the corner of her mouth.....she didn't respond when I called her name.

I ran out into the hallway and yelled for a nurse.

Two aides came running towards the room to help... we placed my mother in her bed. I called my hub and simply said, "Please come."

I thought she had another stroke....the unresponsiveness...her loose jaw...the yellow-gray of her skin....all added up.

The nurse asked if I wanted to call the doctor ...an ambulance or did I just want to sit with her. She has a do not resuscitate order as per her living will......but I could override it.

"We'll stay with her," I said....my hand went over my heart to control the emotional pain....I imagined something would happen to my father first....not my mother.

My hub came and we sat around her bed. Her breathing rate dropped....her heart rate slowed.

There was a moment..... a very long minute ....when her chest didn't rise and she looked so pale.....I started crying.....after all the trouble of the last couple weeks I still wasn't ready for this.

My mother gasped and then gulped for air......which is not uncommon near death......she gasped again and one more time......and then started breathing ....regularly.

In a couple minutes......her eyes fluttered open....she tried to lift her head......then her lips trembled...she struggled to say something.

"I..... need......."

"I need......."

"What mom...what do you need?"

She took a few deep breaths.......she raised her head again and looked at me.

"I need.....a toothpick."

"What?"

She laid back and closed her eyes then put her finger to her mouth.

"I need a toothpick"

I felt like someone hit me with a wet sandbag.....my knees buckled....I sat down in the chair so I wouldn't fall over.

"Right here"......her finger pulled her lower lip down and she showed me her teeth. "Something's here....I need a toothpick."

"I don't have a toothpick Mom." I felt this crazy exasperation....I don't carry toothpicks....there's none in the room.....and who knew the need for a toothpick could bring a person back from the other side.

"I need a toothpick."

"Do you have one?" I asked Hub. He looked startled too and shook his head.

"I'll bring one tomorrow....maybe you can just brush your teeth now."

"Okay" she said......as if we had been sitting around the dinner table and the need for a toothpick just came up.

We sat for a while....she asked for juice and water.....a blanket.....finally the startled aides returned and said they would get her ready for bed.

I kissed her forehead.... said good night.....drew the curtain back which separated my parent's beds.

My father glanced at her....."She's fine dad...she just needed a toothpick"

He raised his hand up.....a kind of.....well of course she needs a toothpick ...gesture.

I left the room....and headed for the door. I was so shell-shocked I couldn't remember the electronic code to exit. I kept punching the key pad and getting my # and my * confused.

When I reached my convertible.....I was too weak to open the door and drapped myself over the hood.

Did this really happen?

Did I really just find my mother unresponsive and close to death ....and then she perks up and asks for a toothpick?

I shook my head....this whole event went into the "I can't believe this " column ...which is getting mighty long.

"I need...."

"I need a drink," I said to myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rubber girl

I wake up in the mornings now....not only unsure of what day it is....but also unsure of what will happen....

right now...I've given up on plans....plans were in the old days of my life....were you could say things like...."I'm going to go to work this week" or "this weekend I'm going to clean out the garage" or " I have a dentist appt on Tuesday."

No matter what I plan...or what I think I'm going to do....things are in a constant flux right now....

this week I drove up to Chicago because the plan was...to pick up my son for spring break.....have my daughter come in from Ohio.....and start working on my parent's house....detrashing.....starting to organize things.....even have a real estate agent look over the house.

But the day before I was scheduled to leave....my dad entered the hospital for pneumonia. I was with him till 4am ...so he could get through the emergency room process and get into a room.....then several hours behind I hit the road at 11am....assured that my family there could watch over him for the weekend....

I told my daughter not to fly in.....just Tom and I would work for the week .....and then on Monday.....I received two surreal phone calls.....

One from the hospital at 10am saying my father will be discharged to the nursing facility and the next call at 11am......from the nursing facility telling me the doctor had decided my mother's leg infection was worse and she needed to go to the hospital.

so literally.....my parents crossed each other on the freeway in ambulances traveling to and from the university medical center......

that was bizarre....so bizarre my family down there raised the white flag of surrender and said come back home.....so Tom and I are getting in the car in another hour or so and heading down south....

I simply shrug my shoulders at a 10 hour drive.....make sure I have an audio tape which will occupy me for about 6-8 hours.....adjust the rear view mirror....buckle the seat belt....and go.

My trusty dog Ozzie, who has accompanied me for several of these trips....also jumps in the car without hesitation ....he knows mid-trip an Arby's plain roast beef sandwich appears in a paper bag to gulp down.....a couple of exciting rest stops with the smells of hundreds of dogs are waiting for him ...and finally....when we're almost home...he knows if he stares at me licking my vanilla ice cream cone from McDonald's so hard ....I'll give in and give him half... What more could a dog ask for?

I feel like I'm turning into rubber band.....flex....change positions...cry...laugh....sleep here ....sleep there.....rethink this ...rethink that.....get rid of those thoughts....soak in new thoughts..... assess..... prioritize....what needs to be done right now?

And apparently what needs to be done right now....is hop in a car...and drive back home.

Okay...where's the car keys?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More.....

I am sitting here waiting for my phone to charge.

I will need it today.

I woke up....and for the first time in many weeks actually slept through the night. Although there is much stress with my parent's condition....I visit once or twice a day....my family visits also..... we have an eye on them in terms of their care and comfort. Everything is easier to handle when you are at home in your familiar surroundings.

I even had a chance to sit with my parent's cat for a while this morning...she is recovering in our bathroom. We had her spayed and declawed....she lived mostly in a cage by my mother's recliner in the den....a choice showing my mom's deteriorating mental status rather than true cruelty.

She doesn't know much about being a cat or getting lots of love and attention....so we decided to give her a chance in our household....I sat down on the plush carpet near the sink and she curled up on me and purred..... I felt happy and hopeful that there was a small part of the world coming together.

Then the phone rang....and the nurse from the nursing home called to talk to me. "We believe your mother had a slight stroke this morning."

"My mother?"

"Yes....it's mild but she is having difficulty using her right hand....and is wobbly on her feet. Her vitals are stable, we called the doctor."

I sat for about 5 minutes...trying to digest this....my mother had a small stroke.

I visited her late last night...she was already in bed and I tucked her in and kissed her....fully realizing our role reversal....me leaning over to kiss her good night....me tucking her in bed.

Her dementia may have been caused by multiple small strokes...this episode....might be a bigger manifestation of smaller events which have happened over the last couple years.

Still I am in awe at the slippery complicated slope we are on......

how everything is cascading....how there's no plateau yet....just new challenges to face.

A few more minutes.....a bit more charge in the cell.....and off I go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crossing the threshold.............

I feel like I've crossed some type of threshold the last few weeks.....like my heart and soul and character have moved into a new place.

.

I often feel I've had some type of Bar Mitzvah.....where I've walked over to the podium and proclaimed to the world that I am now an adult.....a particular type of adult.....an adult that has passed through bonding and babies and is now dealing with endings and dying.

.

I feel the circle of life in a unique way.....I am responsible for my children....and I am responsible for my parents.

.

I sense time and generations.

.

I am acutely aware that I span two different shores.....that I have seen and known my children's great grandparents.....and that my own children are forming bonds that may lead to marriage and babies of their own.

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I have an intense desire to remember and write down what I've seen and heard....because as my father's breathing worsens and his body thins with only tube feedings....I am fully aware his voice is gone... and I am the only one left to write down who he was and what he did with his life.

.

It feels like such a solemn responsibility.....to gather the details....to spin the stories.....to push what I know of him forward to his grandchildren and perhaps their children.

.

I can see how you lose generations.

.

How so little can move forward on one level and how much moves forward on another.

.

Tonight my hub scraped my dad's inner cheeks for his DNA....for a piece of his code.... for genealogy testing.

.

Dad was always fascinated by these tests and I realized if we didn't do this now.....we would lose a portion of who we are.

.

This place I am in now.... feels a bit sacred.....I have reached a point....where I can sense the basics of wisdom.....I can look in each direction and see the feelings, trials and challenges of both the young and the old.

.

There should be some kind of ceremony for arriving at this point....some kind of feather you could wear in your hair or tattoo to mark you.....some party you should give for yourself to celebrate surviving and morphing into a bridge between generations.

.

I only pray that I am a strong bridge....like the beautiful ones I crossed in the Bay area of California....graceful....strong ....but able to sway and dance with wind.

Damn....I feel so grown up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A change of Positions.....

My parents house is dark and quiet except for the little orange night light on the kitchen table.

There's a couple of inches of fresh white fluffy snow .....creating this insulated.....womb-like feeling.....around the house.

My dad's wind chimes play sweetly outside the window......such pretty music seems to belong to summer instead of a cold winter night.

My parent's made it....they are safe and sound in a facility near my house....but my dad is not very responsive.....talk of physical therapy and speech therapy maybe just talk....not reality.

My dad is aware of people for short periods of time during the day ...he squeezes my hub's and son's hands.....and tries to say something with a mouth that will not obey him.

My mother is bored and wants to take a "streetcar" home....she has two quarters in her purse and constantly tries to bum another quarter from the staff so she can hit the road.

I feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders....now that my parents are secure...but there is still so much to do .....with the house .....and the stuff of 40 years.....that I curl up mentally and wonder if it will all be settled some day.

I'll be here for a couple more days before I head down south....their finances ....such a mess I need a few more business days to visit banks and other financial institutions.

I have spent the entire day de-trashing my parent's kitchen....but I'm only half done .....with many more cabinets to explore.

My parents saved everything. In a dainty tea cup, I found my mom's hospital admission ID bracelets from 6 years ago......a large coffee mug stored every extra button from every blouse or shirt for years........6 giant soup ladles and 10 casserole dishes were cramped in another cabinet...even though my mother never cooked.

I talked to my cousin in Tampa, Florida tonight. She called my mother frequently.....between my story of my parents and other people's stories of my parents.....I am beginning to piece together who they were and how they lived their life...you would think a child would know their parents.....but that's not always the case.

My cousin tells me my mom cried and told her I never called and visited her.....I tell my cousin how my mother in two years never phoned me and how she told me not to visit her.....My cousin says my mother wondered why I hated her.... I tell my cousin I wonder why my mother hated me.....

I visit a friend of my parents to update her on their status..... she grabs my hand and tells me she has kept a secret for my mother for many years.

"You know your mom and I have been friends since kindergarten."

"Yes yes..."

"Well I'm going to be 88 in March"

I'm not sure why she is telling me this....until a bell rings and the logic part of my brain says....if my mother and her friend attended kindergarten together they are the same age.

"You're 88????"

"Yes ......and so is your mother."

"What?"

"But all her records say she's 80......all her documents say the same birth year."

"Your mother was clever and fixed them. This was before computers....you could hide things. She never wanted you or anyone to know your father had married an older woman. That's why you're an only child....your mother had you late in life."

"But...but...so what if she is older?"

"It was important to her..... even your own family kept quiet about it."

My mother 88 years old.

She looks damn good.....and always has......

I'm confused but.... it explains a lot.....my mother's constant irrational fear my dad would leave her for a younger woman....the thousands of jars of face creams......a basement full of exercise machines before any one had exercise machines.

My cousin warns me I will find out a lot of things about my parents.....she is ten years older than I am.....and perhaps knows more........there's a long pause between us .......she adds nothing.

It seems like my parents and I have switched places....they are safe and secure now......and I am the one who is disoriented and faltering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hoping to see the light.........

I'm sitting here with a knot in my stomach.

It's going to be here for another 9 hours.

At 4:30 in the morning, I placed my parents....in a creamsicle orange and white ambulance and sent them 700 miles south to a nursing facility near my house.

My dad was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday and within 24 hours of being in a skilled nursing facility.....he was taken to the emergency room because he pulled his feeding tube out and later was found on the floor less than an hour after he returned to his room.

Scared and angry....and fearing the facility ....not the consequences of his stroke would kill him.....I called the social worker at a nursing home we eventually wanted to settle my parents in and pleaded with him.....find a way to get my parents down now.

Hours later.....there was a plan..... I grabbed my purse, my cellphone, my keys and my dog and drove back to Chicago.

I went to the each of my parent's facilities and signed papers and told my parents about the arrangement---an ambulance ride, a good facility near my home....and they could be together again.... share the same room. After 60 years of marriage.....I felt this was important and vital to their care and well-being.

They seemed happy.....my dad laughed when I told him he was headed down south....and my mom....well... she just wanted to be near my dad.

When the ambulance pulled away in the dark and rain.....I cried as I waved goodbye.....I cried because I hoped they would have a safe journey and because I have pulled them away from the city they were born in....the house they lived in....and the few friends they still have.

But even camped out here at their house, I found I couldn't manage the situation. I didn't know the area, the facilities, the reputations.....I didn't have connections....and Chicago is so big....I felt like I was a broker in an impersonal elderly meat market.....where there are thousands of little old folks like my parents.....needing help....needing care.....with scattered families.....and small sad stories.

I pulled them away but I also pulled them into something....a community.....which holds me and my family...our connections....and a solid university system ....to manage their health care.

My hub and son will meet them when they arrive .....I'll stay up here for a few days.....and begin to settle their house and estate.

I'll bring their TV and some small furniture down....and in a couple more weeks I'll haul down their favorite easy chairs....the pictures which hung on their bedroom walls .. the god-awful mechanical singing birds my mother seems to adore.....my dad's radio.

It is the beginning of a plan....my feeble attempt to stabilize their lives and mine............I feel an odd kinship to people who have gone through an earthquake.....oh the longing for the ground to be stable and for everything to stop shaking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the rollercoaster

I want out.

I want to get off the fucking roller coaster.

Up and down........there is no level ground.

Things change by the hour.

• I hold my father's hand and tell him I cooked up the turkey bacon in his refrigerator and have a massive heartburn....he laughs.....his blue blue eyes sparkling.....


• I get a phone call hours later that my father pulled out his IV, the tube into his bladder and the feeding tube they just placed in his stomach in the operating room.
  
  


• I 'm overjoyed to receive checks from the bank....yipeee I can pay my parent's bills.


• I talk to a bank representative and discover my parents may not have filed their income tax for the last two years.
  
  


• I leave Chicago Monday for a short stay at home....my dad has restraints on to protect the newly placed tubes.... I know they can't transfer him to a rehab unit in a nursing home until he is free of restraints for 24 hours....


• The hospital discharge coordinator calls me unexpectedly Tuesday and states he's ready for discharge.....I fuss and fight but am assured he has been fine without restraints....a couple of hours ago...the rehab unit calls....they're transferring him back to the hospital tonight.....he pulled out all his tubes.
  
  


• I find my mother's beloved diamond rings.


• I discover dad has carpeted the crawl space and there are at least 500 boxes stored under the house.
  
  


• I've installed broadband at my parent's house so I can now access the Internet.


• I discover I don't have the right link and authorization code and can't open my work email.
  
  


• I find social security checks scattered around the house and deposit them.


• I discover my parent's investment in stocks has totally tanked and a major part of their assets are gone.
  
  


• We find an excellent care facility that would accept mom and dad and allow them to stay in the same room.


• I realize there's no way I can work full time and resign from my job.

Up and down....back and forth.....

for every advance.....a retreat......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything

Everything is hard right now.

Picking glass shards out of the carpet where the fireman broke into the house.

Seeing my dad for the first time ....his mouth drawn sharply down to the side... his right arm limp...his blue blue eyes recessed and tired.

I thought my heart would shatter when I went to his bedside in the ICU for the first time ...he grabbed my hand with his good hand and tugged and tugged at it....till he brought it to his lips and kissed me.

I was sure I would die right then and there from the pain of it all.

Telling a stranger not to resuscitate your father is hard....this clean new young doctor stands there with his clipboard and his check list and I tell him what my father told me only three weeks ago ....don't do this don't do that....okay do this but not that.

My mother is hard. Cursing us when she was admitted to the hospital ....shouting to the people in the corridors that her daughter and son-in-law are here to steal her house and take her money.

Visiting mom in respite care in a "memory unit" is even harder....she sits upright in a chair with her jaunty white angora tam on her freshly combed gray hair ....clutching her black purse and tote bag filled with her belongings...waiting for a taxi which has not been called.

It's hard to be the last minute train wreck team....the people who talk to people and everyone arrives at the same horrible conclusion....mom and dad (if he lives) need to be transferred to care facilities near me....the house packed up and sold.

It's hard to touch their things....I can't do it yet....I can't touch their belongings and make decisions....how do I know if the cheap plastic angel has thousands of memories attached to it whereas the expensive Austrian crystal flowers are meaningless?

Finding things is hard too....the letter which says their secondary insurance for health care is terminated because the premiums weren't paid.....dad's beautiful watch in a brown paper sack hidden among some old Christmas cards in a shoe box.

And it's hard to be home...my home....less than 8 hours till morning....when I will put a few things in the car....including my dog Ozzie....and go up there to live for a couple weeks? a couple months?



The only thing which has been easy......is sitting with dad.

He squeezes my hand when he's awake....hard ...soft...like Morse code....and I squeeze back .....hard soft to match....he looks at me....I smile and nod....he can't speak....I don't say much....we just sit and hold hands in a very quiet hospital room....and for those moments.....

I am deeply deeply grateful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So it's here....

The train wreck is here.

My father had a massive stroke this morning.

My mother in her dementia would not let the paramedics in.....they broke through a window.

I'm headed for a flight to Chicago....cellphone, laptop, credit cards, checks, notebooks, legal papers.

The calvalry with its strange armory.

I cannot imagine looking at my dad....my good kind father....they tell me he is aphasic.

I have begged the hospital to admit my mother and finally get her dementia evaluated since she is a danger to herself alone and my plane won't arrive till late.

Funny...how your life can turn so suddenly.

All that live, love, connect, play enjoy crap.....well at this moment...I think how true...how very very true.
~~~~~~~~~

Rid yourself of Heartbreak with a Lysol Douche

A friend sent me this....an old ad for Lysol.

The amount of commentary is so staggering.....I decided to just type the orginal ad below and allow you to enjoy your own thoughts.

Day after heartbreaking day I was held in an unyielding web...a web spun by my husband’s indifference. I couldn’t reach him any more! Was the fault mine?

Well...thinking you know about feminine hygiene, yet trusting to now-and-then care, can make all the difference in married happiness, as my doctor pointed out. He said never to run such careless risks....prescribed “Lysol” brand disinfectant for douching—always.

Oh, the joy of finding Tom’s love and close companionship once more! Believe me, I follow to the letter my doctor’s advice on feminine hygiene....always use “Lysol” for douching. I wouldn’t be satisfied now with salt, soda or other homemade solutions! Not with “Lysol,” a proved germ-killer that cleanses so gently yet so thoroughly. It’s easy to use, too, and economical. The very best part is-“Lysol” really works!

~~~~~~

Another reason why I can't buy a new 3g Iphone

I promised myself months ago I wouldn't buy a new upgraded iPhone because of the applications.

They scare me.

It's not that I'm afraid to use them.....I'm afraid I'll use them all the time.

This fear found a home in me when I was at a board meeting.

My colleague, sitting next to me, pulled out her iPhone and starting waving it around under the table we were sitting at....it sounded exactly like the light sabers used in Star Wars.

I asked her to stop swishing her phone around.... because I knew I would grab it and and wave it at the pontificating board member across the room in a futile effort to severe his head from his torso.

Right then I vowed ...."No upgraded phone for Gina."

It's made life easier.... as people tell me about their cool applications...I mentally go "lah lah lah" and ignore the input.

Today...more fuel for my resolution.

Although I would never have the talent to play this application ....knowing it exists is just another reason my current old iPhone must last into the next century.

Please note: he is blowing into his phone..and simply pressing the touch screen.

Everybody who was at the party has their own version of this picture......

Finally some Fun!

Damn.....all I've been doing is working and worrying....

but tonight....I've got a party to go to....

a fundraiser....but it doesn't matter....it's out....it's with people I know....and they better have drinks and I heard they had music. Hub isn't going and he doesnt' dance so I'll grab whomever...just going swing my little ...well....you know what word goes here...lol

On the way home to get dressed up....heard this rap song....and now can't get it out of my head.....but hey....it's a great song to get dressed to....now where are those spike high heels?

Whatever You Like - TI

I found a Magic Weenie..............

I found a Magic Weenie.

It was in a bookcase I was rearranging.

Dusty....forgotten.

We got this from the Oscar Meyer Weenier truck which passed through our small California town when the kids were little....in other words....a long long time ago.

I dusted the weenie off.....and blew into it........

.

Ozzie, my male dog, immediately ran up to me.

.

"What? " My husband shouted a second later.

.

Hmmmmm.....it seems to attract males.

.

So I blew it again....forcefully.

.

The dog squeaked and wagged his tail.

.

My husband growled from the other room, "Do you need something ?"

.

Whoa.

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I'm not sure what to use it for.....perhaps I could blow into it when none of the guys are home and all their socks would emerge from all the nooks and corners of our house and line up in a row.

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Hmmmm.....perhaps I could blow it while driving to work......would men in their cars all line up next to me and create a special Gina motorcade?

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Hmmmm.....what if I blew it at work....would it sift the genders like a colander.....men all gathered round me........women left somewhere else in the store?

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What if I climbed the little mountain near my house....and stood on top and blew it so the winds would carry the sounds far far away.

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Would every man I've known feel an irresistible urge to come down south and find me?

.

Wow.

.

I placed it inside a little box on my desk until I can figure out what to do with it.

~~~~~~~

A few of the songs I discovered.....

Many the Miles - Sara Bareilles

~~~~~~~~~~

brick - ben folds five
~~~

Ill Sing A Love Song To You - Candi Staton

Finally....Music!

I love music.....

but I simply don't know where to find it.

I listen to the radio stations here in town....and they're limited and so pop.....I end up with playlists and cds that sound like they came out of Dick Clark's garage.

Sometimes people give me a cd they've mixed and I covet it....searching out the artists...and discovering their albums.

But that's a lot of work....so with my life in a squeeze in the last year I've lived in a muscial dungeon....it was so bad I wouldn't show anyone my itunes library.

A couple of weeks ago I found some playlists online and copied about 4 or 5 lists.

Bought the stuff...with only an itunes soundbite.....and burned a few cds to take along on the long drive between Iowa and Chicago and home.

It was interesting to pop in these unknown cd's from someone's playlist and see if the music fit me and my feelings. But I either picked well or was lucky....cause few tunes I loved so much....I plugged in my earphones and listened to them directly from my phone so I could catch every muscial nuance.

Today....I was reorganizing some bookshelves in our study and needed creativity and some music.

I fired up the men's folks computer which lives in that room.... and stumbled upon a program called Pandora's internet radio.

You type in a song or an artist you like and the computer analyzes it and comes up with additional tunes you might like....like having a musical shrink except you don't have to lie (or lay?) down on the couch.
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I plugged easy things in like Sting, Jack Johnson...and some songs like Night Swimming....and out popped some incredible stuff.
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I couldn't bookmark the tunes fast enough. I even threw a difficult band in to stump the program....one called Moshav from Isreal but the related tunes that came out were incredible.
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From music drought....to music flood....
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my head is actually spinning tonight ...full of melodies and artists I never knew existed....it's like my soul caught color....... and it has been very pale lately...lol
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I tried to put Pandora's gadget on my blog to show you the tunes I've been loving today...unfortunatley the widget included my name and personal email....and for this blog ...if you don't know who I am....I'd rather keep some privacy.
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So I'm listing them off to the side......>>>>>>>>>maybe you need some new tunes too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Pandora Looks Like....

What Pandora looks like....Create a Station...by putting in a song or artist and then it finds music that is similiar you might like......

If you're interested in how it works.....press here for a wiki definition *

I love my dog...lol

"Ozzzieeeeeeeeeee!"

I spin around ready to scold him.

I'm rubbing my forehead with one hand....and covering up my butt with the other hand.

Ozzie is looking up at me with devoted eyes, a dog grin and a tail wagging from side to side.

He looks like he's either thinking this is the way all mornings should start or it's time for breakfast.

I think it's the later...but then again.... who really understands male ecstasy?

Besides.... how do you teach a dog not to stick his cold wet nose in your private parts....when you bend over to get your clothes out of the dryer and your fresh from your shower and wearing only a robe?

Is it Bowwwwowow wow? or Bow wow wow wow Bow?

And how do you teach him that your butt is different from the poodle butt sashaying past him on the sidewalk?

I don't say a thing and just bend over to give him a big hug.

.

He looks like he knows he's hit the jackpot.

Food, water, safety, warmth, a territory, walkies and an occasional good butt smell.

Dog heaven.

I've owned several dogs since I graduated from college....but I've never owned a smart, calm, non-goofy one till Ozzie.

My past canine friends were notorious for their quirkiness.

Buster the Beagle....a hole digging...incorrigible baying hound. I took him to obedience school. We won second place in the final trails. When we came home, ribbon in hand, he peed on the couch.

Minnie the Weimaraner. Dumber than a bag of hammers. Ate steel wool pads, stole food off the kitchen counter, and tried to dig into the floor during thunderstorms.

.

Mike the Mealy. Not his fault. Abused puppy...forever submissive and showing us his wienie at the slightest provocation. Yell at someone to pick up their shoes.....there's Mike on his back...leg up...wienie exposed. Good boy....put your leg down.

With this type of history, it's rather amazing to say...."Go downstairs " and Ozzie walks down the stairs...or find your shoes still have mates in the morning or even calling down the street...."Ozzie come back" and HE DOES.

And yet...he is also strong and beautiful.... beautiful in the way...he is an animal.

60 pounds of muscles ....leaping over bushes and tree trunks....the bulk...the mass...the shine of his fur in the sunlight.. a healthy, fit, substantial animal.

When a large or powerful animal...turns to obey you....to follow you....it's thrilling and primal.

.

Horses....hawks...elephants...when these animals pair with us....we feel stronger.

When a shaking chihuahua or hamster burrows in our arms....we become protective....even nurturing...it's a different set of feelings.

.

I peek out of my office to see where Ozzie is right now....

.

He is in the foyer on our first floor.... asleep on a small blanket I put there for him....his people are upstairs....our other pet, our deaf dog, who depends on him to be her protector...is blissfully asleep downstairs.

.

He is in between and right by the front door...fully engaged in his doggy business....knowing where everyone and every other animal is in the house...and guarding the path which allows strangers into the house.

.

You just gotta love a dog like that.......

.

Goodnight Ozzie.....

Working from home.....or did you see that condom ad?

I decided to work from this morning....because I have a thousand things to look up and print from my computer. It's a tad anti-social...but heck it would take me 8 hours to do this in the office with all the interruptions...or a good morning's work if I cloistered myself in my home office.

I decided to eat lunch, read Slate online for a few minutes then hit the shower and go back to the office. An article I read.... mentioned some wildly popular condom ads on U-tube with something like 5 million hits?

I watched a few of the ads and scared my dog cause I was laughing so hard.

So I decided to post a few of them.

Here's the warning.....the first one is G-RATED and cute.....the second one is subtle....and the last one is graphic in its own way.... and LOLOLLOL>>>>> I was gonna type squirrel-ly...but that's the wrong species.


Feelings.....




Advice for a tough economy......



Oh my..........

Do-land

I tapped a note on my phone and sent it to myself.

"feb21"

My next writing group meeting.

I don't know if I can write anymore or even what I could write about.

I stopped writing a year ago.

Writing in the sense of writing essays, narratives, stories....things that might be submitted for publication.

I put my children's book manuscript, the one I wrote about Africa, in a plastic bag and hid it under a skirted table in my bedroom.

I deleted a file of erotic fiction.

I went back to the safety of not creating.

I do now.

I do the bills. I do my work. I do my job. I do the house. I do what I'm supposed to do.

Writing and art never come from "do."

They come from a different place.... a place that needs passion and light.

To write well you have to turn on a spotlight and shine it in your head and heart and guts.

You have to shine it in dark places and hope exposing something...a feeling ....an event...an idea ...creates something new.

It's a strange land..... because you're constantly absorbing....a piece of dialogue in a restaurant, the way something looks in the sunlight, the way you feel when you hear certain words or see the ordinary acts of life play in front of you.

It's a land that's also not totally in this dimension. If you're writing well....you flow out of yourself and flow in something else....something universal....which rises above the normal barriers of culture and language.

For reasons too personal to explain here, I woke up one morning, shut off the light.....and walked into "do" land.

The only times I leave do-land is during religious services....when I watch a man sway and sing and close his eyes in prayer at the podium. I sense he's in that universal and I try, briefly, to hitch a ride.

I can't decide if I want to leave do-land or even if I can.

I don't have any stories.....I don't have perceptions begging to be released.... I don't have anything to say.

I'm a mute in do-land and now I have a date to speak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is so wonderful I can hardly stand it......

SOUTH BEND, Ind. - An 83-year-old South Bend man said he missed his bus home from the presidential inauguration because he was dancing. Mussa Muhammad said his "spirit jumped sky-high" when President Barack Obama took the oath of office Tuesday.

He became separated from his group and, he said, "just danced and danced" with a couple of young women he met along the way.

Muhammad's tour group waited five hours for him, but left Washington after tour leaders spoke with his wife. Rev. Lefate Owens of Elkhart Community Missionary Baptist Church said she assured them that Muhammad would be all right.

Muhammad said he got on the wrong bus and got off in Pittsburgh, where he took a Greyhound bus home.

He arrived in South Bend Wednesday, still wearing the black-and-white suit with red dots that he wore to the inauguration

Bless a man who has spirit, especially sky-high spirit, bless a man who enjoys life and isn't afraid....(even if his wife is a minister).. bless a man who has a suit with red dots on it.

Amen.

I just might have to buy this.....

I've seen books and mugs and hats and plates and fake coins to remember the inauguration....

but this is so tacky.....it almost crosses into cool....

Obama as a chia pet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Home.

Last night on Facebook, I updated my status with the simple sentence, "Gina is home now."

Home.

Iowa, the blizzard, the bitter painful cold and my parent's little hell are more like fingerprints on a glass ....traces of what I dealt with but nowhere physically to be seen.

I found myself awake and in the dark this morning... listening to the heater chug on against the cold in the house....and seeing the images of the past week slide by.........My son and I walking in the snow on campus towards his adviser's office, the cocoon of the car traveling in the white white of the blizzard, and of course....my mother shrieking over and over again at my father, "You bastard...you bastard....you bastard".... as we put our coats and hats on and told her we were going out to pay some bills...bills she insisted didn't exist....bills that would probably shut down their heat and electricity in a few more weeks.

My mom has always been a difficult woman....controlling, narcissistic, manipulative ....but it's frightening to see her, Virginia Wolf-like....pointing hatefully at my father....a man who gentle nurses her for 24 hours a day....spewing venom...her face contorted in anger....her too long shoulder-length gray hair creating the image of a strange Halloween harpy.

My father sits there, back hunched, head hung....and with a wince and shrug shows me how he handles the hot jabs ...how he let's it all slide off of him. Although I favor my father in many things....I cannot handle her this way....when she occasionally targeted me.... I become articulate, logical and angry....making up for all the time....I sat there as a girl ...a teen....a young woman...biting my lip and holding my tongue.

I left them ...at least temporarily....safe and secure. My dad and I found a checking account with money....and shored up all the necessities... insurance, heat, electricity, water, phone service and food. My next trip, I'll deal with car and of course the future......evaluation, assistance...perhaps moving them closer.

On the way home, I listened to Cd's for hours.....new and unfamiliar music I pulled off some one's playlist.....songs and melodies which kept me focused on the tunes rather than what I had left behind. When the Cd's changed over and there was a small silence....I wondered who would I be when I was old....the agitated Harpy or the complacent one. I was glad the music kicked in quickly....I really didn't like either choice.

As the snow and ice slid off the hood of the car, thanks to the warmer temperatures as I headed south, as I shed the obvious "this car has been up north look" on the road....I found myself itching for my notebook. Not to record any of this....indeed I'm afraid too many images are embedded in my mind already....but to plan.....not what I'm going to do with my parents....but what I'm going to do with me.......in the small spaces of freedom I have between job and my responsibilities with them ....what can I do...what would I like to do to keep myself interesting and growing and connected to my immediate family and friends.

It was a strange thought....almost novel thought after focusing on my parents all week long....but it felt important....a planned escape to make sure I keep living despite what's ahead...and perhaps insurance against the rage and complacency....I hoping I have more options.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

...-15 degrees....brrrrrrr

Safe but shakey

My teeth are chattering.....I'm sitting in my parent's basement wondering if I'm shaking because it's a Lake Michigan special frigid 9 degrees....or if I'm still recovering from the drive.....or if I'm nervous about what's coming up in the next few days with them.

It is wicked cold....the special wet sub zero cold that slaps you mercilessly here in the Midwest. During the day with a blue sky and sunshine... it was tolerable....but as soon as night hit....all the charm vanished.

Yesterday's drive was tough. Blizzard driving....not in my repertoire anymore.

The drive was long and slow and tedious. Cars were littered to and fro like some giant got mad and tossed them to the side of the road.

I hit the brakes gently because of a snow plow and suddenly I was sliding from one lane to the other ...gaining control....losing control....the car spun suddenly and I ended up perpendicular to the lanes but at least not moving.

Ahead of me....a nice deep ravine....which I stared at for a few seconds.....a nose dive down the slope would have meant an intimate encounter with several big oak trees.

And today my parents....what a fucking mess.

My mom....good in so many ways....but paranoid and hording and suspicious in some ways that are endangering their safety now. She quite her checking account because she thought the bank was taking her money, she hasn't made car or house insurance payments, ignoring credit card bills.

I tried to reason with her....asked if I could help her...got firm and told her if the house burnt down that would have nothing since she hasn't paid her home owners insurance..but she gets belligerent and illogical and says she owes no one money....she berates my father...and just gets mean....a trait she has always harbored but at least when she was "normal"there were inhibitory controls.

I wish I could get in the car and drive someplace now...anyplace really......but instead I'm sitting the basement...with the fat crazy isolated cats....who are not on her cute list anymore...(a trait I share with them)and wondering what the hell to do...where to start.

There is so much to shake about tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iowa fun

All I have seen for miles is this truck's butt...I feel strangely
attached to him.... My trucker lifeline

Welcome to Iowa

Winter Road trip

I haven't even checked the weather...but no matter....I am leaving for a winter road trip on Saturday.

.

Heading up to Iowa to drop my son off at school....then heading to Minneapolis....then on to Chicago then back home.

.

I am looking forward to the solitude of the road and the down time.

.

I've gotten three fat audio books and a couple of new Cd's my son burned for me off some play lists I copied from the web.

.

It sounds odd to some people....but I have missed traveling alone.

.

When I was writing, I would attend conferences and meetings and often schedule some time before or after to just be in the city or place by myself.

.

Being alone gives me time to think and absorb a location.

.

If you travel with someone or you're traveling for business you're often so preoccupied with the person or the business...you can't sop up the flavor of where you are...the smells, the architecture, the thousand of observations about people and place and food and the slant of the light .

.

I am also desperate for art.

.

Ever since I've started working full time....my reading and movie time and writing time have hoovered near zero.

.

My whole creative self feels shriveled. I do hope to meet a friend in Minneapolis but if she is not available....I have booked a hotel near the art museum and plan to drift there for hours.. ..re-hydrating my spirit.

.

Then on to Chicago....where I will help my parents for a few days before the drive home and the return to work.

.

I have nothing ready ....just a to do list of 25 things I must finish at work on Friday... before I can even focus on what I need to pack....but it forces me to be simple...jeans...a sweater...a jacket...a camera...I don't need a lot for this.....but I do need a lot from this.

~~~

Horror Barbie meet Obsessed Ken....

I have a feeling this is an old ad....but still.....

I mean it's brilliant.....but after stumbling upon Peck-my-eyes-our Barbie....this Ken is a bit creepy.

~~~~~~~~

Horror film Barbie......

I love movies but when I saw this ad....I had to rub my eyes.

Barbie + an Alfred Hitchcock movie?

A movie where birds go berserk and peck people to death?

I remember watching "The Birds" on TV late one night when I was in high school.

Till this day....when I see swarms of birds flying low above me...I get a nanoflash of a scene in the movie when the birds start attacking people.....

Wow...what a great gift for a little girl.........can we say, "Mommy I'm having bad dreams?"

Of course it's not for kids....but geez....even a grown woman collecting a Barbie-being-attacked doll is a bit creepy.....

and even more creepy....you can buy it online at..... Walmart.

Hmmmm.....I don't remember the birds hitting below the belt.....

Is there some kind of subliminal message here from a deranged toy designer?
~~~

Happy New Year

My Happy Interesting Hanukkah-Christmas-Latke-Kielbasa Holiday Week

I said the prayers the best I could tonight....it wasn't the right time...and I'm sure I mangled most of the words.

You simply can't take a girl from the south side of Chicago who omits the "th" in words and expect her to say "shehecheyanu v'kiy'manu v'higianu."

No way.

I listened to the audio on the net 100 times...but what I hear in Hebrew...what I see on the paper and what I say....are not related.

But it is the last night of Hanukkah and I'm in Jew School....so I did my best.

This week my family celebrated multiple times in multiple ways ....being together....and being attuned to something beyond ourselves.
.
We started celebrating last Sunday when I took my entire family to the Temple for the Hanukkah celebration. They were wide-eyed and I was nervous.
.
In Jew School I'm about as knowledgeable as a pre-schooler and yet here I was taking everyone to Temple as if I knew what I was doing.....which I didn't...but people who knew me there ....kissed me... shook hands with my family....and smiled.
.

The Rabbi came over hugged me and chuckled....another complicated multiple faith/belief family situation...so what's new? There are many stories in the Temple...and mine is just another strand in the weave of this community.

As we walked back to our car after chicken, latkes and live music....we planned the rest of our week:

a dinner at a Mexican restaurant for my daughter's birthday....

latkes and beef brisket and candle lightening the following day....

Kielbasa, sauerkraut and pierogies to remember our Eastern European heritage on Xmas Eve

and finally Xmas.....which we would celebrate like we always have....with a special brunch....a family walk in the afternoon....presents... a turkey dinner....and watching movies together....including the infamous Pee Wee Herman Xmas special.

Mu daughter (on the right) watches my friend light the candles.


My impromptu candle holders for the Hanukkah portion of our week


Latkes from heaven...crisp hot crunchy....

The traditional Xmas celebration....with gingerbread houses and a glorious dinner of champagne, turkey, sweet potatoes and The Green Bean Casserole....plus cheesecake from the bookstore.

.

We even tossed some movies into the holiday brew....my daughter and I watching our favorite movie...Sleepless in Seattle....caught Slumdog Millionaire at the theatre...and everyone watched Wall-e.

.

It was a rich and full week....the house full of kids....dogs...an angry cat.....the smell of roasted turkey and fried potatoes and fresh buttermilk biscuits.....pots and pans clanging....the dishwasher swishing through load after load of dishes....and the garage door going up and down a thousand times as 5 people got in and out of cars and ran errands and shopped and dashed to friends' houses.

In a few hours.....Monday morning....our regular life will begin again....my daughter returns to Ohio.....I go back to work .....and my youngest son will play video games late into the night till I remind him he has to go back to college.

.

It's been a special week....a good week....

and now I turn towards remembering my friends......letters... emails....little presents....

.

it's about connections.....it always was....and still is.....

~~~~~~~

Wow......Slumdog Millionaire

"Wow"

That's all I could say to my daughter at the movie theater when Slumdog ended.

We both looked at each other and said "incredible" in unison.

A very dark, disturbing, tense....love story.....involving kismet....set in India.

Fate.

Barriers.

Finding someone .....having your heart find someone.....as if an invisible string led you right to him or her.

A love story encased in the cruel barebone poverty of the slums and the surprising energy and ingenuity which springs from that harsh reality.

Wow.
~~~~~~~~~

Uh-huh

Hmmmmm......

Solstice....

Early this morning...I woke up....looked at the sun shining through the window....and smiled.

I felt like a marathon runner who had made it across the finish line.

Bruised, weary....but in the end ...somewhat elated...I pulled myself out of bed and felt grateful.

Although January 1st is still a few days away.....Winter Solstice....has for years....been my spiritual-psychological New Year.....

a day of hope.....a day when I consciously remember the darkness and shortened days are over....and the earth from this day forward.....second by second ....minute by minute heads towards longer days and spring.

This year....my heart, my spirit and even my body took a beating......

beloved connections lost.... surprising and difficult roadblocks in my new job....an injury which made walking a painful ordeal for months...and of course....the encroaching storm of problems with my aging parents and their health...

everything weighed so heavily on me some days....I felt like a zombie walking through my own life .....

but small hopes have kicked in......

I started religious classes a few months ago and discovered a new spiritual home.....

my job will enter a quieter phase for the next few months....

I've found a elder-law specialist in Chicago to help me with my parents....

and duh---I've re-realized how much I value my family and friends....


small things....

............seeds actually

which like the beauty berries I found this morning up against the old wooden fence.....

wait their turn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erotic Electronics

The men folk say to me sometimes, "Why don't you watch TV in the family room? It's comfy...you can sit/lay on the couch...why are you hunched over the kitchen counter watching the little TV?"

Here's my answer:

This is an unstaged photo of what lies on my coffee table....

All of these remotes are somehow connected to our TV/DVD/Cable/Stereo.

Perhaps there are some old remotes in this group from our former TV....but which one?

Your guess is as good as mine.

To a guy....this cornucopia of electronic devices lying on our coffee table.......is the equivalent of a happy little problem to solve.

I've watched the men folk approach this electronic collage with a sense of adventure...

they pick up one or two...point..click...hmmm...repunch.....and finally viola....whatever they wanted to turn on magically begins.

They don't seem frustrated...offended ....lost....or bothered. It's like a lateral Rubik's cube.

Enter Gina.

I don't even know which one to pick up for which system....nor do I know what button to push....

and don't tell me it's the "power" button....because sometimes you press the "TV" or "satellite" button before...after...or during the press of the power button....

this I know from operating the little kitchen TV......and let me tell you my success rate for turning on and getting to the channel I want....is about 75%.

It must be gender wiring....male pathways....which assess the situation and then feel challenged....oh look ....something for me to solve.

Do you know what I feel when I look down at this.....frustration, anger, incompetence (my own) and a dollop of exasperation.

Why does this have to be so hard?????

People we have robots scooting around the the surface of MARS.....

someone ...somewhere can figure out.....a simple system to turn on a flat screen TV.

If phone companies, airlines and consumer companies can operate on voice recognition systems ( do you have an account with us? please say yes or no. Now tell us the account number...)

Why can't my TV?

Why can't I just speak into the remote and say...."Home and Garden Channel"

That's it........

turn on the fucking TV to the home and garden channel so I can watch....My House is Worth What?

And if this horrifies males....and the male need to problem-solve.....I'm willing to compromise.....put 2/3/4 remotes in the box with a system.....just make the voice-recognition remote pink.

You can still operate your DVD by pressing buttons on multiple remotes OR you can grab the pink remote and say "play DVD".

Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Winter in the South....

I don't know why I try and save the geraniums.

.

They're cheap... replaceable... just ordinary flowers.

.

They sit in old clay pots with cracks and nicks and white lines etched by hard water.

.

As the temperature started to drop yesterday, I passed them by and shrugged.

.

So die this year....I'm too busy to fuss over you.

.

But this afternoon, when the first ping of sleet pellets hit the window, I threw open the front

door.....and hauled them into the foyer.

.

Leaves....dirt.....mulch....scattered on the oriental rug.

.

I placed a couple of plastic bags on the carpet in the living room.....and moved them over...

their leggy arms reaching for the door and their former life.

.

The ice thickens on the sidewalk tonight, the house is cold and feels dark

.

the heater hums and we are all huddled together

.

dogs....plants....people

.

perhaps I am superstitious

.

or prone to magical thinking

.

but I am just an ordinary person too

.

in a flawed and weather shell

.

and like everyone

.

I hope my presence

.

in the lives of people I know and have been connected to

.

is valuable enough

.

to be saved.

~~~~~~~~~

Ozzie and me

Nothing beats a brisk walk in the bright winter sunlight late in the afternoon. Ozzie and Me stop by the bridge near our house to watch some ducks drift by on the stream.

You know you're working too hard when..............

Everything was ready.

I reviewed my notes several times the night before. Selected my clothes, put my jewelry and shoes out, placed my purse and notebook.... in a pile on the kitchen counter top so I could make a quick exit.

Even though it was Sunday, I planned to arrive at work by 6:45am. I had a big event to coordinate at the store....lots of people, a fussy point person to deal with....and with revenue down.....an important sales opportunity.

I grabbed my purse....and realized my phone was still on my nightstand.....

A few butterflies flitted around in my stomach....but I took a deep breath....and dashed upstairs for the phone.

Now with purse in hand, phone secured....notebook....and my jacket....I was ready to leave....but where's my car key?

I opened my purse and rummaged around...hmmmmm......I thought it was on the counter....I thought I had laid it out on top of my purse the night before....where did I put it?

I checked the usual places....the key basket.....the kitchen table.....a nice squeeze of panic gripped me....this was not good......my son lost the spare key.....there was only one key for the Subaru....and the two tables I needed for the event were stored in the cargo space.

I ran upstairs.....checked laundry room....checked pantry.....checked floors....checked the chairs....checked computer room...

I could feel my heart and arteries pound pound pound.....where is the damn key?????????

Finally.....in complete panic....I woke hub up.....a desperate move....you don't wake hub up on his sleep-in day.......unless it's an emergency.

"I can't find the car key .....I'm late.....do you know where it is??"

Hub turns over and growls...."It was on the kitchen counter last night"

I fly downstairs.....look under the newspaper....open the cabinet drawers....

full panic now...even if I take his car to work.....I need the tables ...locked in my car.....for the event.

I look up....and there's hub......eyes slinty....hair standing up.....think grizzly bear wearing underwear.....

"I can't find the key.....it's not on the counter." You could hear desperate in my voice.

"The key......."

He points at me.....

"The key is around your neck."

I reach for my neck and find the lanyard with the car key.

I wear a lanyard with a id badge at work... so the weight....the feel of something flapping around my neck....is the norm.

The bear retreated back to bed....I flew out the door.....hoping all the bad luck for the day had been used up already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part of my job description......

22a: You may be asked to drive monkeys to and from their destinations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ozzie

I set my morning alarm 32 minutes earlier today than yesterday and when it rang, instead of stepping into the shower, I pulled on an assortment of mismatched grunge clothes and laced up my old tennis shoes.

I headed down to the laundry room and as soon as I entered the room a big thump thump thump noise greeted me.

I peered down into the brand new kennel and chuckled. We haven't had a dog with a tail in a zillion years....so the thump thump thump of I'm-happy-to-see-you....was a new sound for me.

Ozzie popped out of the cage, stretched his neck to receive his chain and lease, and we headed out the door.

His tail was like a crazy windshield wiper blade....flicking side to side as we walked down the dark street.

A blast of wind and a million crunchy oak leaves raced in front of us. Ozzie sat down. I bent over to pet him. He put his muzzle next to my cheek and left it there. I guess a new neighborhood with strange herds of leaves can be frightening.

I never expected to get another dog. When we put our last dog to sleep months ago, hub and I agreed that one dog, one cat, one lizard and one fish was enough. The Inn was full.

Ten days ago, just before I tossed the newspaper into the recycling bin.....I placed the end section on the counter top and browsed through it. I never do that....there's just ads and filler. I turned the page....and there.....was a picture of Ozzie....featured dog of some animal rescue group.

I knew instantly he was going to be our dog but I thought I would test fate.

"Hey, look at this dog, it looks like Mattie except in brown."

My hub was supposed to say, "Now now, we're not looking for another dog."

Instead he said, "really?"

Hmmm....the reality-checking spouse script wasn't being followed.

So I tried again, "6 years old, affectionate, gentle, friendly and gets along with other dogs."

He was supposed to say, " Well let's be practical we agreed on a one dog rule."

"Sounds good."

Wrong wrong wrong hub. This is dangerously off the script.

So I tested fate even more by emailing the lady and asking her to describe him including any questionable habits and traits.

"He seems to be a calm happy affectionate dog with no problems. Why don't you come by and visit him?"

Since I was working that day, I threw the final test at hub. "Hey why don't you go check Ozzie out at Petsmart."

"What time?"

If hub is going to drive across town on a Saturday morning to look at a dog......you might as well buy a new box of dog biscuits....cause this is smelling like a done deal.

When I called him to ask about Ozzie, he was chuckling. "He's a great dog."

And so.....Ozzie....bypassed the new rule of the house and leaped over fate's barricades to find a place on the soft rug, the dog rug, on the outskirts of the kitchen.

And so as of 11am today....the new rule of the house is: two dogs, one cat, one lizard, one fish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~