I feel like I've crossed some type of threshold the last few weeks.....like my heart and soul and character have moved into a new place.
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I often feel I've had some type of Bar Mitzvah.....where I've walked over to the podium and proclaimed to the world that I am now an adult.....a particular type of adult.....an adult that has passed through bonding and babies and is now dealing with endings and dying.
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I feel the circle of life in a unique way.....I am responsible for my children....and I am responsible for my parents.
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I sense time and generations.
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I am acutely aware that I span two different shores.....that I have seen and known my children's great grandparents.....and that my own children are forming bonds that may lead to marriage and babies of their own.
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I have an intense desire to remember and write down what I've seen and heard....because as my father's breathing worsens and his body thins with only tube feedings....I am fully aware his voice is gone... and I am the only one left to write down who he was and what he did with his life.
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It feels like such a solemn responsibility.....to gather the details....to spin the stories.....to push what I know of him forward to his grandchildren and perhaps their children.
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I can see how you lose generations.
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How so little can move forward on one level and how much moves forward on another.
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Tonight my hub scraped my dad's inner cheeks for his DNA....for a piece of his code.... for genealogy testing.
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Dad was always fascinated by these tests and I realized if we didn't do this now.....we would lose a portion of who we are.
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This place I am in now.... feels a bit sacred.....I have reached a point....where I can sense the basics of wisdom.....I can look in each direction and see the feelings, trials and challenges of both the young and the old.
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There should be some kind of ceremony for arriving at this point....some kind of feather you could wear in your hair or tattoo to mark you.....some party you should give for yourself to celebrate surviving and morphing into a bridge between generations.
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I only pray that I am a strong bridge....like the beautiful ones I crossed in the Bay area of California....graceful....strong ....but able to sway and dance with wind.
Damn....I feel so grown up.
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