the week after.

I lived the week after mom's death like I was flicking a light switch.

I turned the switch on and went to work and oriented the new person who took my position. I smiled at people, laughed.......tried to download the information about my job to my replacement...even felt grateful to be among familiar people who would give me bear hugs.

I'd leave work ...get in the car and turn the switch off.....then I was quiet....exhausted....sad.

The last two months have gone so slowly and so fast at the same time.....heartbreak....pain....they slow the clock down so even a second feels like a year......business...all the financial and legal business....I start making phone calls, pulling out the calculator...look up and hours have flown by.

Today.....trouble....dad is coughing, exhuasted, wincing in pain. He has entered the hospice program....I can not believe it maybe time to go through this again....it has arrived so quickly....time is moving slow again.
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Rubber girl

I wake up in the mornings now....not only unsure of what day it is....but also unsure of what will happen....

right now...I've given up on plans....plans were in the old days of my life....were you could say things like...."I'm going to go to work this week" or "this weekend I'm going to clean out the garage" or " I have a dentist appt on Tuesday."

No matter what I plan...or what I think I'm going to do....things are in a constant flux right now....

this week I drove up to Chicago because the plan was...to pick up my son for spring break.....have my daughter come in from Ohio.....and start working on my parent's house....detrashing.....starting to organize things.....even have a real estate agent look over the house.

But the day before I was scheduled to leave....my dad entered the hospital for pneumonia. I was with him till 4am ...so he could get through the emergency room process and get into a room.....then several hours behind I hit the road at 11am....assured that my family there could watch over him for the weekend....

I told my daughter not to fly in.....just Tom and I would work for the week .....and then on Monday.....I received two surreal phone calls.....

One from the hospital at 10am saying my father will be discharged to the nursing facility and the next call at 11am......from the nursing facility telling me the doctor had decided my mother's leg infection was worse and she needed to go to the hospital.

so literally.....my parents crossed each other on the freeway in ambulances traveling to and from the university medical center......

that was bizarre....so bizarre my family down there raised the white flag of surrender and said come back home.....so Tom and I are getting in the car in another hour or so and heading down south....

I simply shrug my shoulders at a 10 hour drive.....make sure I have an audio tape which will occupy me for about 6-8 hours.....adjust the rear view mirror....buckle the seat belt....and go.

My trusty dog Ozzie, who has accompanied me for several of these trips....also jumps in the car without hesitation ....he knows mid-trip an Arby's plain roast beef sandwich appears in a paper bag to gulp down.....a couple of exciting rest stops with the smells of hundreds of dogs are waiting for him ...and finally....when we're almost home...he knows if he stares at me licking my vanilla ice cream cone from McDonald's so hard ....I'll give in and give him half... What more could a dog ask for?

I feel like I'm turning into rubber band.....flex....change positions...cry...laugh....sleep here ....sleep there.....rethink this ...rethink that.....get rid of those thoughts....soak in new thoughts..... assess..... prioritize....what needs to be done right now?

And apparently what needs to be done right now....is hop in a car...and drive back home.

Okay...where's the car keys?

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