tough peasant stock

I walked into my parent's room a few days ago and found my mother slumped in her chair. Her head hung down....saliva dripped from the corner of her mouth.....she didn't respond when I called her name.

I ran out into the hallway and yelled for a nurse.

Two aides came running towards the room to help... we placed my mother in her bed. I called my hub and simply said, "Please come."

I thought she had another stroke....the unresponsiveness...her loose jaw...the yellow-gray of her skin....all added up.

The nurse asked if I wanted to call the doctor ...an ambulance or did I just want to sit with her. She has a do not resuscitate order as per her living will......but I could override it.

"We'll stay with her," I said....my hand went over my heart to control the emotional pain....I imagined something would happen to my father first....not my mother.

My hub came and we sat around her bed. Her breathing rate dropped....her heart rate slowed.

There was a moment..... a very long minute ....when her chest didn't rise and she looked so pale.....I started crying.....after all the trouble of the last couple weeks I still wasn't ready for this.

My mother gasped and then gulped for air......which is not uncommon near death......she gasped again and one more time......and then started breathing ....regularly.

In a couple minutes......her eyes fluttered open....she tried to lift her head......then her lips trembled...she struggled to say something.

"I..... need......."

"I need......."

"What mom...what do you need?"

She took a few deep breaths.......she raised her head again and looked at me.

"I need.....a toothpick."

"What?"

She laid back and closed her eyes then put her finger to her mouth.

"I need a toothpick"

I felt like someone hit me with a wet sandbag.....my knees buckled....I sat down in the chair so I wouldn't fall over.

"Right here"......her finger pulled her lower lip down and she showed me her teeth. "Something's here....I need a toothpick."

"I don't have a toothpick Mom." I felt this crazy exasperation....I don't carry toothpicks....there's none in the room.....and who knew the need for a toothpick could bring a person back from the other side.

"I need a toothpick."

"Do you have one?" I asked Hub. He looked startled too and shook his head.

"I'll bring one tomorrow....maybe you can just brush your teeth now."

"Okay" she said......as if we had been sitting around the dinner table and the need for a toothpick just came up.

We sat for a while....she asked for juice and water.....a blanket.....finally the startled aides returned and said they would get her ready for bed.

I kissed her forehead.... said good night.....drew the curtain back which separated my parent's beds.

My father glanced at her....."She's fine dad...she just needed a toothpick"

He raised his hand up.....a kind of.....well of course she needs a toothpick ...gesture.

I left the room....and headed for the door. I was so shell-shocked I couldn't remember the electronic code to exit. I kept punching the key pad and getting my # and my * confused.

When I reached my convertible.....I was too weak to open the door and drapped myself over the hood.

Did this really happen?

Did I really just find my mother unresponsive and close to death ....and then she perks up and asks for a toothpick?

I shook my head....this whole event went into the "I can't believe this " column ...which is getting mighty long.

"I need...."

"I need a drink," I said to myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More.....

I am sitting here waiting for my phone to charge.

I will need it today.

I woke up....and for the first time in many weeks actually slept through the night. Although there is much stress with my parent's condition....I visit once or twice a day....my family visits also..... we have an eye on them in terms of their care and comfort. Everything is easier to handle when you are at home in your familiar surroundings.

I even had a chance to sit with my parent's cat for a while this morning...she is recovering in our bathroom. We had her spayed and declawed....she lived mostly in a cage by my mother's recliner in the den....a choice showing my mom's deteriorating mental status rather than true cruelty.

She doesn't know much about being a cat or getting lots of love and attention....so we decided to give her a chance in our household....I sat down on the plush carpet near the sink and she curled up on me and purred..... I felt happy and hopeful that there was a small part of the world coming together.

Then the phone rang....and the nurse from the nursing home called to talk to me. "We believe your mother had a slight stroke this morning."

"My mother?"

"Yes....it's mild but she is having difficulty using her right hand....and is wobbly on her feet. Her vitals are stable, we called the doctor."

I sat for about 5 minutes...trying to digest this....my mother had a small stroke.

I visited her late last night...she was already in bed and I tucked her in and kissed her....fully realizing our role reversal....me leaning over to kiss her good night....me tucking her in bed.

Her dementia may have been caused by multiple small strokes...this episode....might be a bigger manifestation of smaller events which have happened over the last couple years.

Still I am in awe at the slippery complicated slope we are on......

how everything is cascading....how there's no plateau yet....just new challenges to face.

A few more minutes.....a bit more charge in the cell.....and off I go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~