Naked again

I exited the shower this morning and sighed. My hub used the last towel.

I grabbed a hand towel for modesty, held it to my breasts, and headed down the hallway towards the kid's bathroom and the supply of clean dry towels.

Midway down the hall....I stopped....there was no one home....and my little hand towel was unnecessary.

This is not the first time I've been home alone in the morning.....but it was different today.

Today....all my children are gone.


My daughter.....graduated from Ohio State and is still working and living in Ohio.

My middle son moved in with a friend last month.

The baby of the family....changed colleges and headed off last weekend.

In dealing with the death of my parents....I've been so overwhelmed by the legal matters of their estate and the emotional pain of losing both of them.....empty nest syndrome wasn't on the radar especially since my middle son has always struggled with special needs. I wasn't sure when and if my son could live independently....so his departure....was a fuzzy concept to be worked on in a couple of years.

But last month, he announced that his friend needed a roommate. The rent was affordable and the place close to his job. He's not known for moving quickly....but he was packed and ready to go in hours.

He texts us.....calls us to ask questions.....and comes over for Sunday dinner. He's proud to be on his own....and I am proud of him.

Just the other day.....I relived the poker hot memory of a California school official pointing to a trailer for mentally retarded kids and saying, "This is where Peter should start school."

I am not sure if I said, "Fuck you" or "Fuck this school system.....he's not retarded."

He tisked at me.......and he followed through by writing me up in Pete's records as a "a delusional mother who would not accept her son's disabilities."

We yanked Peter out of his school and patched together schools and services for the next 12 years.

Sometimes I wish I could find that bastard...and a whole handful of other folks and say.....look.....he's working...he's driving....he manages his checking account....he has friends....and he's a success in his own way.

And now.....the greatest sign of his success......is an empty room in our house and a chance to fashion a life.

But who knew all of this would arrive this week.... in this month of August.....on this day.......while I am ping ponging between Chicago and home....and trying to settle my parents estate......while I am jobless....and sometimes lost....and my own house looks like it was hit by an internal hurricane.

I dropped the hand towel....stepped over the dog....and headed for the bathroom and the towels........naked......in my very big ...very empty house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hitting the Wall.....

7:59 am

My stomach tightened.

I had less than 60 seconds.

Sometimes you have a small choice.

Really not a big choice....but a choice big enough to make it worth your while.

.
I had been wide awake since 4 am thanks to my cat.

She was mad that I had disappeared for a few days. She didn't care whether my absence was due to driving my son to college or if I had camped out in the back yard.

So as soon as I feel asleep, she made her way to my side of the bed every hour and meowed.

Once.

Not Twice.

Meow.

Every hour....as if someone stole the cuckoo out of the clock and put her in as a substitute.


At 4am.....my pillow flew towards her.......

then I had to get up and retrieve it.......

and when I did....and laid back down...all of a sudden I felt like I was......

sinking......

my little Gina world... spinning.....

too much loss in too short of a time...

right from the beginning of the year.....

a friend moved....another moved on....my parents health status changed....the family pet died.....and now the baby of the family....off to find his own life...

there didn't seem to be anything to grab onto.....

I tried to think of positive things.....like how tentative Tom had first looked when he sat down at the desk in his dorm room...and how excited he looked 24 hours later....after he shook a few hands....got his lap top revved up and..his TV and game equipment hooked up

I even thought how lucky I was to be working full time.....so I didn't have time to think...but the hours ticked by.......

and so did the sinking........



I told myself to get up at 6am....and head off to work.....

but I didn't......

then I told myself to get up at 7am and head off to
work......

but I didn't do that either.....

and now at..... 7:59 am

I told myself....here's the window Gina.... the two paths in the road....you can lay here in bed....for hours....postpone going to work and start down the dysfunctional path......

or you can get your ass out of bed......

even though it doesn't look like the yellow brick road is painted on the carpet.....

just do what needs to be done today.... and that will be enough........

the clock rolled to 8:00 am.....

and before it could flip to 8:01 am...

I literally pulled myself out of bed and stumbled to the shower.....

as the warm water pelted me .....

I knew I escaped.....perhaps not in the best of shape.....for I was clueless and without a plan....

but I was not in bed.......

because if the dial read 8:01am..... and I was in bed.......

it would have been over......

~~~~~~~