Farklempted

There was an old Saturday Night Live sketch where two Jewish ladies talk about things and one of them becomes overwhelmed with emotion and she says...."I'm farklempted.... talk amongst yourselves"

I only know a few words in Yiddish but I truly understand "farklempted" in my bones now.


I feel farklempted and I just haven't been able to speak....it's like my voice can't come out of my emotions and my life experiences these past two weeks.

The Silent Auction went very well.

There was a major snafu at the dinner when the executive director told everyone the aucton would be end at a different time than the time it was scheduled to end.....whooops....and my helpers picked up all the sheets from the tables instead of just the top sheet .....yikes.......but....by the time the dinner and auction was over.....I had smoothed most ruffled feathers and gotten the right sheet back on the tables.

I was so tired I could have laid down on the floor and not moved.....it was 11pm....and I had been at the hotel working non-stop since 830am. Unfortunatley, someone forgot to schedule much of a clean up crew.....so my hub and I dragged things bit by bit to the car (all the hotels luggage carts were in use).....and I made my way home at 145am. I do not remember driving home....I do not remember pulling into my driveway.....but I did find myself in bed....and promptly at 730am....had a very upset cat staring at my closed eyeballs and meowing.

Everyone over the next day or two congradulated me....but I felt bad two big items didn't have bids and I found the bids a little under what I expected.... I felt some of the items should have brought in a lot more money.

As I tallied things up, I wondered if there was a better way to make money for the organization. I wasn't sure the silent auction was cost effective....all the time that was put in it versus the rate of return. This weekend I'm going to send in my final report....and I'm going to suggest....thinking out of the box.....maybe all this work isn't the best way to do things. I'm not sure how that will go over....since the auction is a very old tradition at the dinner.

I was only home a day or two before I headed from the jaws of the silent auction to my daughter's wedding plans. Ouch/ugh/oy

Although I had given her a specific budget to work within.....she had mostly ignored it. She booked a way too expensive photographer.....and I'm suspicious that the venue was overpriced too. When I looked at her plans.....my stomach sank.....we had given her and her fiance a good chunk of money in order to buy a house and start some renovations and she seemed to still be planning a wedding out of Brides Magazine and out of my budget.

So after talking to my husband.....I had to tell her that things were straying off course.

I found this very hard to do...and developed a lot of angst/anxiety/unhappiness.

Was I being cheap or realistic? She is my only daughter but I have two other children.....all who could marry too. In this case, her fiance's parents are going traditional....they are paying for a rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon but nothing else....so everything falls on our shoulders.

But my son could get married to a modern woman whose family says lets' split this wedding 50/50 or some other combination. In addition, the marriage business is a business and one geared to making princesses and there is so so much stuff way out of line. Like the cake.....the way she was heading....the cake could cost us 800.00. I thought this was just crazy.

So there I was......being the giant pin to her balloon fantasies. I told her she will have a qaulity wedding but we were not going to get crazy. She wanted to send "save the date" magnets to people which would have cost 200.00 for 40 magnets. In the end....she is going to send out custom postcards we designed for about 50.00. Am I being nuts? Shrewed or a shrew?


Plus my daughter's style and my style of decision making clashed......she must look at everything....think of all the alternatives ....think some more.....think just a bit longer....and then make a decision. I'm more action oriented....let's decide what we want... find it and pay for it amen.

The postcards took us almost a complete day to design and decide upon.....I went numb.

I finally had to tell her we needed a break....I wanted to scream....a fricking postcard shouldn't take a whole day....but I bit my tongue....I love her and this is important to her....so I simply retreated to the guest room and covered my head and my body for a while with a gigantic fluffy comforter.

After a couple of long talks with my husband....I realized I'm going to have to be reality for them. No an open bar does not mean.....thousands of dollars on liquor....it means something appropriate for a couple hour party....this is not a frat party. And no....we are not spending 800.00 dollars for the cake.....yes...you can have a spiffy bridal cake but the cake that is cut out of site and is served to guests can be a good quality cake that doesn't cost 6.00 a slice. We went over to a gourmet bakery....taste tested some terrific cakes and cupcakes and discovered by not mentioning the word wedding ....we could find wonderful baked goods with a much better price point.

I left Ohio exhuasted and confused. Why weren't these kids sticking to a budget? Why weren't they thinking these things through....it's like I said here's the budget and they said....that's nice...but of course you'll pay for anything we want.

I drove in a daze to Chicago. When I arrived, I climbed into the hotel bed at 730pm and just hid under the blankets not moving. If there was something called shell shocked wedding .....I was experiencing it.

Today I got up and visited my parents grave, cried and then had a nice visit with my mom's good friend. But I was nervous and anxious all day.....because for the first time since my high school days....I was going to visit my Aunt and her daughter.


My father and his sister had some kind of disagreement way back then and never talked to each other again. My Aunt did not attend my wedding and I didn't even know if she was alive to know about my parents' deaths. But through the power of Facebook, her daughter discovered me shortly after I buried my parents last year. So yes, my Aunt was alive, she had a slow growing lung cancer, and still lived in my grandparent's house. Would I come see her next time I was in town.


So I drove back to the old neighborhood.....opened a heavy glass door I knew as a kid.....and walked into my Aunt's apartment. She looked very good and was still fiesty. We sat at the old kitchen table and she began asking me a million questions. But suddenly, she stopped.


"It's Ash Wednesday...do you want to go to church for ashes?"

"No," I said.

She narrowed her gaze on me and said, "Why not?"

"Because I converted and am Jewish now."


Man....you could have heard a pin drop. My Aunt, her daughter and husband and two children just stared at me.


So...somebody had to break the silence....because it had gone on forever.

"What church do you go to now that St. George's has been torn down?" There was a flurry of answers and observations about local churches and the impasse was broken....but I bet it will be the topic of conversation some other time in their household.

There was a little eating.....a little drinking......and I confessed I had to hit the road.

"I am so glad you have returned into our lives" my Aunt said.....but I actually felt too confused to answer.....they were all so different than I remembered and there education and lives were so different too living in the old neighborhood that I was just rather all.....farklempted again....and just hugged everyone and said nothing.

And so here I am still a little farklempted....there's been so much to deal with....to think about....and to just live through these past two weeks.....it's been overwhelming....

Tomorrow....I will hop in a car and head home....hoping the long drive home will give me some time to rearrange my thoughts and just think....

Of course there is one final dilemna waiting for me at home.....my wild kitty came back ....she had been chased away and gone for a day or so.....but right before I left.....her belly felt big.....so she either has something wrong with her belly OR she is pregnant.

I looked it up before I left home...a wild kitty can become pregnant at 4 months old. Kittens. What the hell am I going to do with kittens? If there is a word that describes uber-farklempted....I am there even considering this.

Hitting the Wall.....

7:59 am

My stomach tightened.

I had less than 60 seconds.

Sometimes you have a small choice.

Really not a big choice....but a choice big enough to make it worth your while.

.
I had been wide awake since 4 am thanks to my cat.

She was mad that I had disappeared for a few days. She didn't care whether my absence was due to driving my son to college or if I had camped out in the back yard.

So as soon as I feel asleep, she made her way to my side of the bed every hour and meowed.

Once.

Not Twice.

Meow.

Every hour....as if someone stole the cuckoo out of the clock and put her in as a substitute.


At 4am.....my pillow flew towards her.......

then I had to get up and retrieve it.......

and when I did....and laid back down...all of a sudden I felt like I was......

sinking......

my little Gina world... spinning.....

too much loss in too short of a time...

right from the beginning of the year.....

a friend moved....another moved on....my parents health status changed....the family pet died.....and now the baby of the family....off to find his own life...

there didn't seem to be anything to grab onto.....

I tried to think of positive things.....like how tentative Tom had first looked when he sat down at the desk in his dorm room...and how excited he looked 24 hours later....after he shook a few hands....got his lap top revved up and..his TV and game equipment hooked up

I even thought how lucky I was to be working full time.....so I didn't have time to think...but the hours ticked by.......

and so did the sinking........



I told myself to get up at 6am....and head off to work.....

but I didn't......

then I told myself to get up at 7am and head off to
work......

but I didn't do that either.....

and now at..... 7:59 am

I told myself....here's the window Gina.... the two paths in the road....you can lay here in bed....for hours....postpone going to work and start down the dysfunctional path......

or you can get your ass out of bed......

even though it doesn't look like the yellow brick road is painted on the carpet.....

just do what needs to be done today.... and that will be enough........

the clock rolled to 8:00 am.....

and before it could flip to 8:01 am...

I literally pulled myself out of bed and stumbled to the shower.....

as the warm water pelted me .....

I knew I escaped.....perhaps not in the best of shape.....for I was clueless and without a plan....

but I was not in bed.......

because if the dial read 8:01am..... and I was in bed.......

it would have been over......

~~~~~~~