Caught!
I didn't think anyone would be up .....of course, that's when I go....when my family is asleep....this way they don't know how long I'm gone...and what I've bought....I mean what I've really bought...I don't tell them the truth in the morning....in the harsh reality of daylight......I can't tell them about the speciality potato chips which are now hidden in cabinet (the one above the microwave) or about the cache of superfine roller ball pens.....or the peaceful donuts...which in all honesty ....I bought for them.
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I don't go very often....I usually don't even understand the trigger. It just happens....like it did last night. I was reading....got up to get a drink of water.....and then it started....this drumming in my brain:
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"You need to get superfine roller ball pens to work on your manuscript tomorrow.....You need to get....superfine roller ball pens....now.......Don't look at the clock....it's really important for you to have those superfine roller ball pens... you need ...right now...it's logical to make a trip at 12:15 am to Wal-Mart....you're up ...you're awake....this way you won't have to get up early tomorrow...you can do it now....go to Wal-Mart now...Gina ...right now ....right now."
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That's how it starts....and it seems logical....and oh.... it feels so good to slip into my trailer trash outfit.....to blend in with the night crowd at Wal-Mart.....tight tight black leggings....old black athletic shoes....my son's sweatshirt....my other son's extra large bulky hooded sweatshirt....no primping ...no make-up....a scarf over my hair...(in the ethnic 'hood I grew up in--- we would call it a babushka)...and the car keys.....it's like traveling incognito....tasting another life......and when a Backstreet Boys song begins on the radio station.....I don't switch to another station.....I sing along.
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And let me tell you something about Wal-Mart late at night...It becomes a fantasy land. It's never that interesting in the daylight. There are products in their aisles....you see only at night when you're not in a hurry and there's this vast wide open canyon feeling....and the night staff actually has an old YMCA song on the overhead....(It's fun to be at the YMCA>>>)
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I linger over the wonders of capitalism....a humidifier shaped like a basketball...faux silicone to fill "your unsightly wrinkles and laugh lines".....I walk slowly through the aisle of broken and 80% off Xmas items.. and stare slack-jawed at pots of live blooming daffodils and begonias..I stroke Teddy bear bellies in the Valentine aisle....and I buy weird food. Stuff that I would never buy in the daylight.
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Every bit of nutritional knowledge you have stored away in your brain fades away in Wal-mart after midnight. It's not your fault though....they have special subliminal messages slipped into that clever funky music that's blaring...they have machines ...ionizers they call them...supposedly cleaning the air....but they're not....they're blocking all the Heart Association warnings and every newspaper article that warned you about nitrates, fitrates, ritetraites and of course partraits...(or was that partridges?)
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I'm strong enough and smart enough to know I need decoys...should I be questioned in the morning as to why there are Wal-mart plastic bags in the garbage or on the counters....I have to be prepared.
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"I bought pens and fruit and milk and yogurt icecream."
What I told Them I Bought
I can look them in the eye and say that......I usually leave the grapes or the banana around to further cloud the trail.
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I don't tell them about the other stuff. The two cans of diet energy drink. The new "WEE-BIT" cheese which I bought because it looked exactly like the stuff I ate in AFrica...or the superman doll I bought on sale (way too kinky a story for this blog) or the butter cookies.....complete with a small tub of milk chocolate frosting....(it was a recipe suggestion on the back of the package...I was just following orders!)
What I didn't Tell Them About
And then....I must have gotten out of range of the ionizers and the music....because at the check-out counter....I started to QUESTION what I bought......was the frosting necessary? Did I really need to try goat-cheese sprinkled chips with sun dried tomatoes?.....and those donuts.....they started making me nervous.......but that's when Wal-mart pulls out its secret weapon....a sweet young cashier.....an innocent-looking blonde-haired blue eyed girl probably making her way through college or graduate school or beauty school.
" I don't need these donuts.....maybe I should put them back."
"Oh, don't worry about the donuts.....how can anyone resist?.....they look so peaceful." (Note: actual qoute from cashier...I wrote it down in the car so as not to forget it.)
"Peaceful?"
"Yes, they're peaceful."
In today's world ...could I really not afford to buy peaceful donutss?
Peaceful donutsSo I brought them home.....and just as I was hiding things.....and leaving out the nutrional decoys ....my son walked down the stairs....and that's how I was caught.
I'm so embarrassed.....what if people knew? I guess I would have to limit my trips to Wal-mart to daylight shopping hours only......when they turn off the ionizers and play suitable music ....and I wouldn't even see the diet energy drinks on the bottom shelf....(I'm wondering if this blog has been originated by the consumption of just that type of beverage.)
Now that I'm exposed...I guess I better behave.......I won't go to Wal-Mart after Midnight.....I'll reform.....I'll dress southern nice in my dockers and oh so cute sweaters.... with all my jewelry on......I won't wear trailer trash outfits accented by babouskas.....
but wait.....there's something I won't give up........... I can't give up.......Something I bought on one of those late night trips to Wal-Mart......
MY PINK PLASTIC FLAMINGO! ~~~~
What I didn't Tell Them About
Peaceful donuts
