Fortunately, my mischief rod was dormant the day I did my recording for NPR (perhaps the fizzy red wine dampened it) because I can honestly say everything seemed to go well. I was less nervous than last year....and I had a wonderful producer. He seemed genuinely into my story. He made me repeat lines and monitored the "energy level" in my voice...as well as my mispronunciations. He let a few of my Chicago dropped th's and s pass..."for color".....but he absolutely disliked the way I said "perfume".....so much so....that at the end of the session...he made me practice saying "perfume" and then recorded me saying it 5 times...so he could replace good perfumes with my bad perfumes in the essay.
But if the mischief rod was dormant yesterday......it was on full power today as I made my way back home.
I knew something was up when I hit security at the airport. I had placed my bag and my purse on the conveyor belt....went through the metal detector and looked for my bag.....the security person waved a manager over to peer at the screen.
"Oh shit," I thought,"what could I have put in my overnight bag? " Too much shampoo? A suspicious hairbrush? The manager nodded to the security guard and off we went to the stainless steel operating room table at the end of the line for an inspection. The woman looked very serious....and was headed for something specific.
She pulled out my little silky nightgown with the cute dancing bears..... my black panties...and my black lacy bra.....and my small bag of cosmetics.... everything spread out and on display so all the other passengers could walk by and smile.........and then she found what she was looking for a green plastic bag....I could see her eyes sparkle....
"You're looking for my cheese?"
Her eyes narrowed......yes apparently my speciality hunk of cheese I had bought at the gourmet deli....was the offending item.
"It can look deceptive." That's all she said....she returned my underwear and my nightgown and my cheese back to my bag. Who knew cheese could be dangerous....or even deceptive? Perhaps they were afraid my Holland Gouda was pretending to be Swiss?
For this surprise I was grateful....it made up for the last surprise of my day.
The doorbell rang. It was the new woman postal carrier. She looked like she had seen a ghost.....but it was worse than that....."You've got a snake in your mailbox." I was going to ask her if she was kidding but I could see by her face she was not.
"What kind?" She didn't know. I'll save my snake stories for some other day....but let's just say they still make me scream....and for self-defense I have learned about local snakes....because we have Copperheads....aggressive beautiful venomous snakes that will bite you.
We gathered at the mailbox and looked........sure enough under the flap...there was a snake inside. She pulled the flashlight out of her car....we could see its eyes....and I wasn't happy to see a triangular-shaped snout...which is common with Copperheads....my son brought over the hose and we tried to flush it out....no success.
I waved the postal lady on....and stood there pissed ....looking at my snake.....oh I wasn't angry the snake was there....it was actually a clever hiding place....but I was angry because from now till winter.....every time I go check the mail....I'll wonder if a snake is going to jump out of the mailbox!
Hub came to the rescue and put foamy insulation in the gap.....the snake might still be able to get in that space.....but he was not going to be able to stick his head out....at least I hope he can't....
Where a Snake Can Hide in Your Mail box.
So now I'm going to have a snack of deceptive cheese and probably head off to the post office because I have some bills to mail....and if you think I'm sticking my hand in the mailbox at night......uh huh....because if my universal mischief rod is working....who knows what will happen.
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