My daughter is getting married next fall and decided to tone down the wedding and the glitz....and use a good chunk of the wedding budget as a down payment on a sweet little house in Columbus, Ohio.
I was thrilled she was being so practical.....the house is neat and tidy and had been well loved by the previous owners. It is a little dated....there's pink tile in the kitchen and a very funky orangey pink bathtub and toilet on the first floor.... but all that can be changed with time. Structurally it was sound.....and had a functional and comfortable layout.
This week....after my trip to Chicago....I drove to Columbus to meet up with my hub and son to work on the house for a week after the loan closed..... buying a few new fixtures.....caulking.....washing windows....and of course...putting up new curtain rods and drapes.
I had seen pictures of the home...but when I arrived late in the evening....I stopped the car in the driveway and just smiled at how cute and almost gingerbread-like the house was...with it's awnings and detached garage and funky awnings.
The first day went well....my hub put up a new ceiling fan and fixture in the kitchen...and I attacked some dusty windows on the second floor. The second day we still had a busy chore list but now there was a problem.....I had tossed and turned all night ....and realized that my daughter was building her first permanent nest in a city 750 miles away from where I live.
My heart went into a full blown ouch.
Of course she had gone to college in Ohio.....and of course she had a job in Ohio after school....but somehow it still felt like she was living with us... just gone off for a while. Hauling her furniture....her yearbooks.....her mementos up here....meant that she was leaving our house for good.
Leaving our house for good.
There's a lot written about Kindergarten blues...when you drop your child off for the first day of school....and then there's going-off-to-college blues.....but why was I so unprepared for the first-nest-away-from home blues?
It caught me totally off-guard....especially since I had known about and followed the purchase of this house for a couple of months.
Yet the ouch was big....and although I kept working I was in a total funk. So much of a funk...I neglected some work I had to do on two volunteer projects and must now shame-faced send out a bunch of data to a whole committee of people almost two weeks late.
But I just couldn't get moving.....my mind was stuck....my willpower felt wimpy....and all I could do is feel the pain of yet another life stage upon me. Oh yes...of course....this is a happy moment...and I smiled and laughed and hugged her a lot.....but inside....inside I just felt this sense of loss....this sense that she has parted from me permanently....that she is a young woman with her own life now.
My mom harped on me to come home after college and I remember how crazy I thought she was....wanting me to live in Chicago and pass up a job in Seattle.....now....I understand.
When your children move far away.....there are no Sunday suppers....or quick shopping trips together....or a dash over to borrow something. Of course we will see her....and now Columbus, Ohio is on my calender for spring...for summer to plan the wedding....and probably for the holidays.
But despite all the entries on the calender.....I still feel a the empty spot in my heart.
To counter this feeling which I'm still struggling with now that we are home ....I remember the image of my daughter I saw while sitting on her front steps.
She didn't realize I was there because of the tall thick bushes which line the front of her house......she bent over and brushed some mulch back into place...then stood up....cocked her head...and smiled at her house. Her eyes sparkled....I could sense her excitement....her pleasure....her determination to make this first little house a warm and loving nest.
And this she will do....
and this is what I must do....let go....and be supportive and happy for her.
But ouch.....ouch ouch ouch....
and I'm now envious of families who live close to each other.....and have the chance to drop by and say hello....and do something together....it's a complete reversal of what I felt like when I was her age...when my only thoughts were of independence and living someplace interesting and far away from my parents.
Oh...wisdom has such a heavy price.
