I don't know how people make funeral arrangements in the grip of grief....even save....I have found it frustrating and difficult too make all the necessary phone calls and jump through all the hoops one must go through to bury a person--Christian burial permits, memorial service arrangements, purchasing vaults and urns that meet the specifications of two different cemeteries.
A couple days ago I remembered how much my mother liked Holy Cards and decided to make arrangements for a card for them. Holy cards, now called Prayer cards, are part of the Catholic burial ceremony. They are miniature portraits or scenes with Jesus, Mary or the Saints printed on a small card. The portrait/scene is on front of the card whereas the back listed the name, birthday and death of the person plus a prayer. They are handed out by family members either at mass or the funeral home or tucked into a card for friends and relatives who can not attend the service.
As a child, I was fascinated with these small intricate artistic cards.
The scenes could be delightful....St. Frances walking through a forest with little furry animals gazing up at him....Disney-gone-Catholic.......or Mary, young and sweet, listening to a tall winged angel whispering her fate.
But many of the cards were gory....saints burning at the stake, pierced by arrows, or bleeding from stigmata....replicas of the crucifixion wounds of Jesus. These cards turned me into a detective searching the faces and the bodies of these saints ... looking for signs of humaneness... a hint of pain or doubt or worry. I never found any...their small hands always rested with grace and satisfaction on their wounds....their glazed eyes always gazed unwavering towards heaven.
Apparently, you can now go online and print a sheet of holy cards and then cut or tear them apart for distribution. I saw a few of these cards in the office of the funeral home and disliked them. The poor picture quality and the rough edges from imperfect perforation made some of them look cheap. So I decided to go online and purchase professionally printed cards.
I flipped from one website to another....searching searching for a picture but after scanning hundreds of cards....I felt uneasy and anxious. The beatific faces without emotions now bothered me....anything with blood or swords or wounds made me cringe. I wanted welcoming faces not dispassionate faces....I wanted peace from suffering not bleeding hearts....I was looking for a saint or angel or a god who smiled...who seemed welcoming of my parents ... not indifferent.
Ozzie the Wonder Dog came into my study and poked his scabby nose at me....I didn't know if he wanted to go out or he was just being "emo" and sensing my feelings. We headed out to the back porch and I rocked in the humid heat for a while. I recently added a mezuzah on to the door frame of my backdoor....the little capsule that contains the "Shema" the central prayer of the Jewish faith. I absentmindedly stared at the mezuzah for awhile....when I realized that since this is where my heart and identity is now....perhaps I would find some guidance here.
I took out my prayerbook and read over the prayers until I found one that I really liked....peaceful......respectful......I tinkered with it ...added.... subtracted...and finally created something I felt my parent's would like and be proud of.
I went back to the computer and now tried to match the prayer to an image.
I found a sturdy broad shouldered Jesus. He looked like he might smile. He had a small lamb slung around his shoulders...a sign of gentleness and protectiveness....and although he had two wounds in his hands....I did not feel the wounds...the suffering...was the central theme of this image.....but a nod to reality.
My parent died peacefully.... but they had their wounds too....my dad's paralyzed leg and arm....my mom's body swollen from her failing heart.
I hit the "order button" and felt satisfied.
A day or two ago I would have never ever considered posting this Holy Card on my blog.....but I woke up today....and realized it was a prayer....and it is truly from my heart.....and reflects my hopes for my parents......and in the land of blogs and face book and a zillion words on the net....maybe being brave and posting something personal and honest is not something to be afraid of....
