On Sunday, I twirled the spinner and found Leopard woman.
As soon as I touched the card, memories flooded back to me.
My mom had a thing for leopard skin. I vaguely remember a lamp, a glass leopard (much like the one in this picture) and of course....her leopard coat.
I remember sitting in church next to her when I was in grammar school and stroking the coat during services. The fur was airy soft and smooth and the lining underneath was brown silk. I'd grab the very edge of the coat, flap it over.....and swirl my fingers into the fur and then onto the silk. I was too old for a binky....but the hypnotic feel and texture kept me quiet throughout mass.
Just before I headed off to college, I discovered the coat in an attic storage box. The fur was just as soft and smooth as the time my little hands petted it.
"Can I have this coat?"
"Why would you want that old thing?"
"Because its.....beautiful."
And it was.
The coat had square shoulders and a high mandarin-type neck... just like this coat....but without noticeable pockets. It weighed nothing.....yet the icy winter winds in Omaha couldn't penetrate it.
I loved it. I absolutely adored it....I felt like a movie star in it.....sexy and glamorous.....even though I was wearing a lumberjack flannel shirt and jeans under it.
Of course in a year or two.....consciousness about killing exotic creatures like leopards for their pelts became a public issue. So I didn't bring it back to college...but I asked my mom to save if for me, I'd do something with it....even if the only something...was to treasure it.
She didn't save it; she gave it away when I went to back to school. My mom is the type of woman who makes decisions for you regardless of your desires or wishes. The coat was old...she didn't see any possible use for it...therefore I couldn't have any possible use for it.....so it ended up in a bag destined for Good Will.
I actually grieved for the coat...the small grief you carry inside you when you lose something you treasure. I thought about it each winter for a couple years....wishing it was still in my closet....not to wear...but just to admire and touch....and appreciate the beauty of a long gone animal.
I have one other leopard memory....and this one too....is partially lost.
I'm the toddler in the leopard jammies. My mom sent me this photo when my first baby arrived....she told me the photographer, who routinely took my holiday pictures at a neighborhood studio, recommended me for a magazine shoot. The pic appeared in one of the Chicago newspapers accompanied by an article which she thought might have been about....cute Halloween costumes.
I called my parents this evening....and asked them if they could remember more details about the pic...what newspaper had it been in? Where was it taken...a studio? or home? Was it about Halloween costumes? Was this my only photo shoot? Did I do others?
But my mom said she couldn't remember anything....and why do I want to know......it was an old picture and a long time ago.
Perhaps she doesn't remember.... perhaps she doesn't think it's important for me to know....and I feel that little grief inside me again.....another sadness .....yet another treasure lost today....and sometimes.....we do so want and need to hold onto things.....for whatever reason.....even if it's just because it cold and winter and rainy and dark outside.
~~~~~~
